Virgin State of Mind
by Lost in New York
Summary: Getting rid of the past isn't always so easy. Mac and Stella. AU story.
1. The prologue

Many thanks to **Chrysalis escapist** for helping with the grammar. If there are mistakes, they are mine.

If there are similarities with someone else's stories, it certainly hasn't been my purpose.

Mac and Stella.

I don't own them.

Prologue.

When life sometimes seems to veer so painfully it feels almost like trains of endless nightmares. Only it is the real life, not dreams. Living in a nightmare or should it be called the most darkest haze where you are able to wake up to notice again that the reality hasn't changed a bit. Not knowing how to run away from it, you are drowning in it, deeper and deeper. When it feels almost too unbearable, trying to rise and grab a drop of hope given, you fall and the shadows of the darkness will win you over.

xxx

Detective Mac Taylor stared at the view from his office without really seeing it. It was a hot summer day in New York City, one busy day of July and he desperately wanted to have a vacation. It had been a mistake to dress in a black shirt and trousers considering the time of the year. Working all morning on a crime scene, he had collected all the evidence they had found, he had felt for the first time how the muscles of his back ached. He had also a low hammering in his head. Mac had given the lead to Det. Danny Messer. His job as the superior included more and more meetings with the chief of detectives, Sinclair. And lately, there had been lots of them.

Trying to ease the pain in his back and his head, he sat down on his chair, leaned back and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh. His mind was overloaded and it rambled from one thing to another, back and forth. It wasn't his habit to do so. His thinking was rational. Now his mind had its own directions. Few pictures on his desk, one important one, and the person in the picture he missed the most. Claire. The last vacation had been with his wife. Two long years he had stared at the empty view. Two long years without vacation, without Claire. She had vanished from his life, not from his heart. The pain had loosened its grip, but he missed her.

He swallowed hard and opened his blue eyes, trying to focus on what was next. There was something he needed to think. It was the woman from his past, long before he had even met Claire. He reached over to his desk and took the file in his hands, opened it and read the information he knew so well already. The dark haired man picked up the attached photo among the papers, staring at the woman in the photo with a pensive look on his face. Mac had always been fascinated by her green sparkling eyes.

Macs life had changed directions a few times and the pain in his chest silently wrung his heart in its invisible grasp. He had tried to control it all once, a long time ago, his life, not succeeding. Fate, the inevitable sequence of events. He had to flow with it, for the first time he felt fear. He had no control. He remembered so well the one sentence, which he had said so many times, following him now with every breath and lived moment of his darkened life. Everything was connected.

--

Waking up in the new apartment when the sun rose, a curly haired woman kicked the blanket at her side, stood up and strolled into the kitchen to make coffee. Having an oversized t-shirt and pajamas on her, she waited for the caffeine-filled drink to be ready. One cup of it, black and hot, and she had collected her thoughts after sleeping, not seeing any dreams. After she had drunk the last drop of coffee, she headed to the balcony to see what the weather was like. Through the blinds it seemed promising. She loved summers as she felt to be almost twined together with the warmth which welcomed her home. After so many years she felt she was finally home. A bright smile spread over her tanned face and she stretched, with her hands up in the air she reached out to the bright blue sky. It was so blue she was on the edge of tears. Blinking, she quickly changed her clothes back in the bedroom, and was out of the apartment waving hello to the doorman of the building. He smiled politely.

She walked down slowly to the park and breathed deeply. With every inhale she absorbed the energy of the city, feeling the strength rising inside, giving her the power she was going to need. She heard noises of hasty traffic, smiling she saw the yellow cabs among the other cars as they filled the streets. She tied her curly hair at the back of her head, remembering how the nuns had hated it, because of the curls. It had always been tangled and almost devilish, they had said. Just to be rebellious she had always kept her hair open as an adult, hoping that one day the nuns could see her hair, so open and curly, a bit tangled. To show them she didn't have to obey anyone. One tough girl from the land of ancient gods, raised by the catholic nuns of the orphanage she had lived in until she was eighteen and ready to leave for good. She wanted to have her hair in control now, like her life. But her life wasn't just as easy as her hair. It needed more than just a tight hold.

The air was warm, almost hot when the sun gave its pressuring heat over the never sleeping city. July, the hottest month, but for her it felt familiar. She had been used to the warmth, a memory from her childhood and the time she had spent in Greece. Now as a New Yorker, the Greek-American goddess stood still before she took the first running step in the park. Somewhere he was. She kept staring right in front on her, as she made her way among the other pedestrians. She was unnoticed, she was one of them. She put on the iPod, fitting her steps along with the music which gave her the perfect opportunity to get free from all that haunted her.

Her breathing deepened as she ran, her every step bounded on the gritty path. Her heart beat wildly, blood ran through her veins and sweat ran down her back, a few curls had loosened onto her forehead. If only the nuns could see her hair now. A bit exhausted from the run, she stopped. She enjoyed the feeling, how the gleams of the sun played on her skin as her body lightened because of the exertion. Trying to catch her breath she continued her slower jogging down to the lake in the park. Admiring the view over the lake, water almost as blue as the sky, she smiled. She was home. In the city he protected.

* * *

Hope you enjoy reading this. Let me know what you think about it. Thanks for reading it:)


	2. When he fell in love

**A/N:** I have imagined that there is a police academy in New York City. I know, there is the police academy which is situated on the 400-acre State Office Campus in Albany, New York. I have used some details of it. I hope you find out the information you want to know from the Internet. It isn't my purpose to give any wrong facts. I don't know exactly what kind of books they have to study in police academy. I didn't find any titles of the books so I have used my imagination again.

**chrysalis escapist, **thank you so much for the messages about the education system in the US and your help with the grammar.

I was really happy about those reviews and alerts! Okay, I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and let me know whether you like it or not. If there are mistakes, they are all mine. I don't own them. Yes, this story is AU…

2. When he fell in love

New York City. At the police academy. September, 1989.

Stella was on her way to the library of the police academy. She lived in a three-story dormitory with her roommate. She was a bit riled and faced the truth of disliking her roommate, though they had shared the room for three months. God, she was annoying, Stella thought as she walked out of the dormitory. Never would Stella understand the fact why some people thought they were better than others. As soon as Stella could, she sure wanted to have a one-room flat. She definitely felt that her roommate thought she was better than others and how in hell she had got into police academy was something that seemed really wrong. Stella's roommate wasn't like Stella. Her roommate had it all and she had nothing, though that wasn't quite correct. Stella knew exactly what she had been through and that was more than others could cope with.

As Stella walked through the park area toward the main building where the library was in, she was excited about her dream that one day she would be a law enforcement officer. To serve, protect and defend. First of all, she wanted to do her best to cut the injustice. Wearing an academy's hoodie and sweatpants and comfy sneakers, her curly hair tied up, she found herself inside the main building and opened the heavy dark wooden door of the library and stepped in.

Only a few students sat there. It was getting late, and there weren't many who wanted to spend their Friday night at the library. Stella wasn't like the others and she never really cared about partying, though she sometimes felt bored and alone. For other students she was shy, and a bit a too enthusiastic cadet who had few friends and they all lived far away from her after they had graduated from college. Stella had a degree in science. The time they had spent together in the orphanage was the bond they had forever.

She didn't care what others thought about her. She knew who she was, was so aware of why she wanted to be a cop. That really mattered and that drove her. If only the others would know about her and her childhood with the nuns, maybe then they could understand her. Maybe her roommate would understand, though that spoiled bitch could never understand that not everyone had rich parents. If she had parents, she would never care about whether they were rich or poor. If she only had parents…

--

Stella found her favorite seat in the back part of the library, trying to concentrate on her studies and putting her notebook on the table she headed back to search for the book she wanted. She observed there was another person on the other side of the high book shelf as she slowly walked among the shelves. She heard it from the steps and sometimes she saw the young dark haired man with a black shirt and black sweatpants through the small gap between the books and the shelf above. He seemed to be in good shape.

Reading the names of the books, she finally found it though she came across staring at the man who had discovered the same book as she had, apparently. She reached out for the book, which was the only copy left, at the same time he did, her green eyes meeting his blue ones. _No way, that cocky looking guy would get it_. She narrowed her green eyes as she grabbed the book out of his reach, almost grinning victoriously. The look on the man's face made her day, as she turned around the book in her hand, heading for her seat.

Stella frowned soon and noticed that someone sat next to her. There were many other seats in the library and yet someone came that close to her, almost crossing her barriers. She lifted her gaze to meet the dark haired man again, staring into his blue eyes.

"What?" She snorted, wiping away a few curls from her forehead and leaning against the back of the chair. It wasn't so comfortable.

"You took my book." He said simply, tilting his head a bit.

"Have you written this?" She chuckled, reading the name of the author and seeing a small picture of the author on the back of the book cover. He frowned. The young woman seemed to be irritating and he was tired and really wanted to read the small part of the subject he needed for his degree work.

"No I haven't." He reached for the book but she was faster than he was. He crossed her barriers.

"No way are you getting this!" Stella raised her voice and grabbed the book in her hands, standing up from her seat. That was such a ridiculous thought that he could just take the item without her permission, she would never give him anything. She had no idea why she'd be so passionate about the book. It contained only hundreds of pages about forensic sampling and the DNA databases in criminal investigations and there were many chapters about crime types and investigation techniques. It surely wasn't the best seller of the year.

He stood up, too.

"You know I'm right." He stretched his hand out and waited for her to give him the book, demanding. That man seemed to be very determined.

"No." She could be, too.

"No?"

Stella wasn't able to give an answer for they both faced the angry looking librarian who had heard their argument and had walked towards them.

"Get out!" She hissed. "Get out. Now."

"But--" He started but couldn't end his sentence while they heard another get out hissing.

It felt like a déjà-vu for her, when she didn't obey the nuns. She had lost count of how often she had heard get outs. Feeling like a disobedient child again, the grown up Stella obeyed, grabbing her items and heading out. It was a lost battle with the strict librarian.

She heard the man following her. She stopped outside the main building, facing the man again. She was about to say a few words - not very nice ones - but seeing the hidden laughter in his eyes, she burst out laughing. She had laughed with her friends after running away from the nuns though they had given their lessons in very cruel ways. Now she laughed with him, a bit surprisingly.

He laughed, noticing how the woman in front of him was quite attractive, seeing her bright smile, though her nature was blazing for him to handle. They shared a moment of laughing at the librarian but again they needed to solve the problem with the book.

"Look, I really need that." The blue eyed man said, a hint of begging in his voice, looking at what she held. He was annoyed about that she wasn't ready to obey his order to give him the book. He didn't always remember that not everyone was a marine. He was. He obeyed orders and he was excellent in giving ones. But it wasn't his intention to get into an argument about the textbook. He needed to finish his degree work but arguing with that fire cracker was his lost battle. He had headed into the library right after his practical training day in NYPD. He had quickly changed his clothes in his room. On his way to the main building, he had seen the curly haired woman entering it.

He hadn't been aware that it was her who had walked on the other side of the book shelf while he had tried to find the book, he had been so lost in his thoughts. When he had finally found it, he faced the woman who reached for the same item as he, only the book shelf between them. It was the moment when he lost his thoughts again as he saw her green diamond eyes and how they had a flaming turmoil inside them. She had the opportunity to grab the book out of his reach. It was too late to get it when he was able to think. It didn't help him to recover when he noticed the grin on her self-satisfied face.

--

Stella stared at the darkening sky and shuddered, it was getting colder.

"I need it too." Stella stated only. The look on his face made her feel a bit sad.

Then she found herself saying: "I think I could share it."

A small curve on his lips, the man asked: "Share it?" _Well, was that very generous._

"Yes, we could share it." Stella said impatiently, changing her weight from one foot to the other.

"Can I have it now?" He asked.

"No. I need it." Stella said simply. That was a lie, actually, but she wanted to see how far she could push the man. He frowned again. She succeeded hiding her smile quite well, though her green eyes sparkled dangerously. The man in black clothes thought for a moment.

"How about if I treat you to a cup of coffee?" It was his best offer. Stella wasn't expecting that.

"But I don't even know you." Stella told him. He smiled now.

"I'm Mac Taylor."

"Well Mac Taylor, if you try something on--" Stella hesitated, alerted. She knew way too well the ways of getting into trouble in situations like this, few guys in the college had understood what no meant.

"I just want to read the damn book." Mac said his voice tensed up, meeting her green eyes. Stella couldn't hide her laughter anymore as she accepted his offer. She read the truth from his eyes. She could trust him; it could be seen in his eyes.

The mirror of a soul, and eyes never lied.

There had been many moments like this when she had needed to rely on people. She had learned to be careful with people. It wasn't up to her, it was the circumstances. She had been out there always alone, always ready to defend herself. She could have been mean to him and not give him the chance to look at the information he needed, but there was something that told her not to do so.

Mac felt relieved. He didn't want to waste any more time arguing about the book and she had made it clear she wouldn't give it to him. Something needed to be done, and if that was the only way of getting the book, sure he could make coffee for her. It couldn't be that bad; if she would wait a moment in his flat while he studied. It wasn't his intention to make a move on her. Just the coffee and the book, then she would be out of his life.

They walked towards his place in silence. Only chilling whispers in the trees told them about the closing days of summer, the new season was on its way. The sky had darkened fully and the air was crisp with the breath of the coming fall.

"I didn't get your name." Mac realized when they stood in front of the door of his apartment. He held the key to his flat in his hand. The woman turned to face him.

She leaned against the doorframe, studying his expression as she said: "It's Stella. Stella Bonasera."

* * *

Thanks for reading it!:)


	3. Corners of the hearts

Finally an update. Thanks for the reviews and alerts!:) If there are mistakes, they are mine.

Special thanks to **chrysalis escapist** for the help with the grammar (so much needed;D) and also discussions. Thank you **Lily Moonlight**, you know the reason:)

I don't own them.

3. Corners of the hearts

New York City.

16-07-2003. 07:45. Email from Sinclair, Brigham to Taylor, Mac.

Det. Taylor,

This is a brief information I think you already know if you have read the file. Your second-in-command is Stella Bonasera. She is coming to meet you and the team today. She is a first class detective investigator. She had applied for the position in your crime lab and I have accepted her after her job interview. She has quite a record in this field. She is the best we can get and you didn't have any objection against employing her. Tell the others. For your information, there needs to be a psychological evaluation. It is the procedure nowadays after the Messer incident. I don't want to face any more problems with your employees.

Chief Sinclair.

--

The curly haired detective of the New York Finest Stella Bonasera was outside her apartment just behind the front door when she heard the sound of her answering machine switching on. She heard a low mumbling through the door. The woman hesitated, she could have turned back to pick up the call, but she headed to the elevator for it was her first work day with the CSI team and she wanted to be on time. The doorman greeted her as he opened the main door for her. She smiled, hailing a cab. When the yellow cab stopped at the side of the street, Stella gave the address of the CSI department, sitting in the back seat of the cab. They travelled slowly among the traffic, giving her time to fall back to memories.

Stella had been surprised to find out that Mac Taylor ran the lab. She had seen him becoming a police officer and he had been in the streets of New York while he continued his studies in Physics. His desire to serve the country had been fulfilled completely. Stella didn't know if Mac hadn't had any other choice but accepting her after the chief of detectives, Sinclair, had interviewed her. She hadn't heard of Mac since they had last met and that was many years ago. It still hurt, but it was his friendship and comfort she missed the most. She didn't know what to think, what she would see in his eyes. What he would see in her eyes. There were unresolved things between the two superiors of the CSI team. Her feelings had never really died; they were hidden in the corners of her heart.

The cab stopped in front of the CSI department. Stella paid for the ride and got out of the car. The warm air of the new day glued her shirt against her back and she had to take off her jacket as she walked into the building. It felt nice to have the air conditioned breeze around her. The CSI department, the heart of New York City, she felt proud to be one of them. She headed for the reception desk, asking where she could find Detective Taylor. No emotions on her face, she kept them inside. She needed to show her ID. After a few moments of waiting she got a visitor pass and she was ready to head to the elevator.

--

It was another hot day, in the middle of July. The sun shone from a cloudless sky, giving its warmth. No rain, no release. The head of the CSI team, Mac Taylor was a bit afraid if Chief Sinclair had made the right choice with the new detective for the team. Of course he could have said something, in the meetings with Sinclair. He had asked twice if he had heard her name correctly. Stella Bonasera. Sinclair had repeated her name, loud and clear, very frustrated with Mac because he had thought the head of the crime lab didn't pay any attention to what he told him.

He hadn't heard of her since she left and that was many years ago. Bitterness in his heart almost took the place of the longing. He had moved on with Claire. But there Stella was again, in his life just like that. His heart hadn't avoided the impact of another back then. It had been such an impressive moment of his life. Somehow he had managed to pull himself up from the misery of losing Stella. When the towers had fallen and he had lost the second love of his life, he had just fallen apart. He couldn't collect the remains of his life; never could he fill the corners of his heart.

Mac couldn't deny the fact that she'd be a damn good detective for his team. He had to think about the team, think about the crimes and he couldn't say no. Mac's thoughts weren't relevant. New York City needed her. The team needed her and he… He didn't want to control the events of his life any more. He hadn't controlled them ever, how could he now.

The other detectives on the other hand were keen to know who the one to join the team was. Det. Danny Messer sat on the sofa with Detective Lindsay Monroe. Mac had called them to a meeting in his office. They talked about the evidence of the case they had got in that morning. There was a sharp knock on the door. They all turned their heads towards the door, waiting to see the new detective. No one had seen him, Detective Don Flack, walking to the door.

"Come in." Mac said in a loud voice from his position. He tried to be cool and made his way into the middle of the room. He was the boss, the head of the team. His heart beat fast, almost skipping a beat.

A dark haired man, Detective Don Flack strolled in, a coffee cup in his hand. He was a bit stunned because all three kept staring at him.

"What?" Don sipped his coffee, frowning, and wondering what the point was of having glass walls.

"Nothing, we are just waiting for the new detective." Danny answered, disappointed. Lindsay nodded her greetings to the young detective.

"Oh, I saw her."

"Her?" Danny asked, stunned. "I thought-" he was interrupted by Don.

"Detective Stella Bonasera." Don said slowly, tasting every syllable in his mouth. "The new detective is a she, all right." He smirked, but became serious when he saw Mac's blank face.

"No time for jokes, I presume." Don muttered, sitting next to Lindsay. Happy with the air-conditioning, the hot coffee was all the heat that he needed. It was getting too hot outside, he had thought when he had run into the curly haired woman at the reception. He had seen her file and her picture on Mac's desk one week ago and knew she had been chosen to be Mac's right hand. He liked her already, favored her looks. He was always pleased to meet beautiful ladies and she was a stunning one. Chuckling inside, he sipped his coffee and waited like the others.

Mac became truly aware of the situation. Silence was pressuring, and he was lost in his thoughts, his memories, again when there was another knock on the door, a different, a gentle one.

"Come in." Mac said again and held his breath. The tanned, curly haired woman wearing blue jeans, a white shirt, a light brown colored jacket over her arm, walked into the room, closing the door behind her. She glanced at them all, smiling. She made her way to Mac. The room was suffused with a golden light, spreading among the others. She hadn't changed a bit.

"Hi." She smiled warmly. Her eyes told nothing, all hidden inside her barriers.

"Welcome to the team." Mac forced a smile on his face, shaking hands with his new employee. It had to be official. He took a short glance at Stella's hand when he felt her warm and soft hand in his, feeling the edges of the small diamond in the wedding ring against his fingers. The edges of the small rock he felt inside his heart. She turned to face her new colleagues. They all stood up, knowing that the woman in front of them was their second superior, Mac's right hand.

After the other detectives had introduced themselves they walked out of the room and the two superiors were the only ones in Mac's office. The air-conditioning continued its silent humming, chilling the room. Mac stared at the woman who he had known from the police academy.

"Good to see you." Stella said simply, smiling and standing before him in her high heel shoes. Her eyes were on the same level as his. She seemed to be relaxed, confident facing him. Mac wondered if he should talk about it, to hear some kind of explanation. He waited for her to say something, but she viewed the room.

"Shall I show this floor to you?" Mac cleared his throat as the silence was too much to bear, not responding to Stella's comment. Not wanting to show her effect on him.

"Sure, so is this your office or mine?" Stella asked dead seriously as they started to make their way out of the office. They stopped in front of the door, still inside his office. She laughed when she saw Mac's expression. Mac opened his mouth to give his response, but wasn't fast enough and he heard Stella's whisper in his ear as she leaned closer to him.

"You know, we could share it."

Her green eyes sparkled, such a familiar look on her face he remembered. No hurt in her eyes.

_They stood in front of the police academy's library. She had the book. He saw her smile. He heard her laugh._

Mac led his partner out of his office, distracted and unaware of his familiar habit, holding his hand on her lower back. Her laugh pealed in his mind. She was in his life again.

--

A phone in his hand. His words in his mind, repeated, filling the overloaded feeling and taking control of him. The room felt so cold without her. He sat on the chair in the darkened kitchen, an almost empty bottle of vodka in front of him. That liquid really kicked in. Her picture was torn in his other hand. He didn't need her pictures. He could see her smiling, hear her laugh. Haunted. Her being was just so overwhelming and she wasn't there. She was gone, gone away from him.

"_It's over."_

"_Never."_

He had seen the determination in her eyes. He had seen the hurt and the fear, how sudden pain had reached her after his fist had hit against her cheek. How she had yelped because of the pain. No. It wasn't over. Never. She had promised to love him, in better and worse.

The anger rose inside him, releasing a burning flame. He needed her, it was meant to be. She had said so before God and him.

His acts of violence. Her desperate whimpers and cries.

"_No_."

"_You don't ever leave me."_

The pain he had caused. The blood she had bled. Fear and pain. Her low intermittent sobs.

"_Please, don't."_

He had tried to break her. He had tried to love her. The dead silence.

Bruises all over her body.

He could never touch her again. The one time had been enough.

A one-way flight ticket to New York City. The city she felt safe in. The city Mac Taylor protected.


	4. μητέρα

**A/N: So, who remembers this story? :D Thanks for the reviews and alerts, I truly appreciate them. Lily, you read this chapter like a year ago, so thanks for your help. Errors are so mine. This chapter gives away something about Stella's past. I know, I have all the details wrong, but hey this is fanfiction, so deal with it;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own them.**

4. μητέρα

New York City. At the police academy. September 1989.

Mac kicked his sneakers in the corner of the stand and headed to load the coffee machine right away. He tossed his keys onto the living room table. He was still irritated by Stella's stubbornness. The curly haired woman set her items, except the book, on the floor next to her shoes and followed Mac. She leaned against the door frame and viewed the room. There were only a few pieces of furniture in the room, a neatly made bed and a charcoal, medium sized sofa and in the middle of the room was a small living room table. A small table and few chairs were in the kitchen. His studio wasn't too spacious, but it was more comfortable than her shared room with her roommate.

"Nice place." Stella handed the book to Mac. The room was filled with the familiar aroma of coffee.

"I have to find another flat soon. I'm out of the academy in few months." He browsed the pages through as he stepped closer to his bed and sat down on the edge of it.

Stella noticed other books on the floor. They were piled up in order next to the sofa.

"Oh, are you moving?" Stella asked, crouching down on the floor. She read the names of the books.

"I have to. Few things need to be done, and then I'm ready to serve this city and this country." Mac told her and held the book in his hand. "And with this-" Stella peeked over her shoulder to see what he showed her. She saw the book and grinned. Mac continued: "It's much easier to finish _the degree work."_

She felt embarrassed. The blush rose on her cheeks.

"You know, you can keep the book." She muttered and stood up all of sudden and made her way to the door. She picked up her items off the floor and tried to slip her feet into the sneakers.

Suddenly she heard Mac saying: "The coffee is ready."

She turned around, almost colliding with him. Stella tried to collect her thoughts.

"I promised you a cup of coffee, so here." Smiling, he handed a steaming drink to Stella.

"Thanks." She murmured. "I didn't... I mean... Your degree work... I'm sorry. "

"It's okay, really. No harm done." Mac smirked, slightly enjoying the situation and Stella's embarrassment over the book and the argument. She hadn't really wanted to cause any difficulties for Mac.

"Okay." Stella smiled shyly.

Mac led Stella back to the room. The woman set her notes on the sofa and scanned the room intently. There was only one picture on a wall. Stella stepped closer to see it. There were four men who stood side by side in front of a battle tank. The men wore their Marine Corps combat utility uniforms. She glanced at Mac over her shoulder.

_A marine, I should have guessed it._

Otherwise the room didn't give away any details of the dark haired man.

"Where are you from?" Stella cut the silence, sitting down on the sofa. Mac wrote down something in a notebook.

"From Chicago. I attended a college in there. Then I was recruited for the Marine Corps." Mac nodded towards the picture. He had noticed how Stella had looked at it. "And after the military service I attended the police academy."

"What's in Chicago?" She needed more information.

"My family." He furrowed, sipping his coffee. He tried to concentrate on the book.

"Does the long distance relationship work?" Stella wanted to know, sensing slightly some kind of twist in her heart. She wondered why she was so keen to know the details about his private life. She wasn't interested in him, at least not much. Mac lifted his head, giving her a confused gaze. Stella tilted her head a bit and smiled widely, her green eyes sparkling.

"What? No…" He started, but fell to looking into her eyes.

She really knew how to smile.

"It's my parents and my older sister in Chicago. I used to live there." He managed to say.

"I see." She had no idea why she was really pleased with his answer.

_So, no girlfriend? Huh._

Stella leaned against the soft back of the sofa. It was more comfortable than the chairs in the library. She yawned.

"You don't have to stay awake." Mac was aware of her tiredness. He remembered the days of being completely exhausted because of the training and the amount of studying. She clearly needed sleep and rest. Maybe the argument of the book had drained all her energy, too, he chuckled.

"We'll see." Stella took her notes and started to read them but the training of the day had an effect. She felt really tired. She drank the last drops of her coffee, hoping it would keep her awake. She lay down on the sofa and tried to read more but when she had read the same sentence countless times without realizing the meaning of it she gave in. It was useless to study when she felt so sleepy. Maybe she could rest for a while... Although she didn't know him well enough she had that inner instinct telling her he was a good, decent guy. Maybe it was his blue eyes… The thought formed a smile on her face. Her eyelids felt heavy and she let her notes slip on the floor.

xxx

Mac lifted his gaze from the book after a while. He noticed Stella's notes on the floor. He smiled as he saw her sleeping. _Yeah, we'll see._ Mac couldn't remember how many times he had dozed off on the sofa. He had time to study her appearance and admitted she was beautiful. It wasn't just her eyes which were mesmerizing. It was her hair, her tanned skin and her body, too. She had tried to cover it with the over-sized clothing of the police academy. It was always hard for women to enter the men's world. Though Mac didn't doubt Stella's skills to live in it for she had a really blazing attitude. He chuckled. She seemed to be a bit short-tempered but she would be an excellent cop. But Stella's stunning looks could cause troubles for her, not to mention her fiery state of mind. He didn't even want to think about the things she would hear from the perps, maybe even from her future male colleagues, too.

He hated that already, but there would always be rotten minds in the police force, and for some reason he felt suddenly the need to protect her. He didn't know where the feeling came from. He wondered it for a moment and glanced at the clock on the wall. Hell, it was almost half two in the morning. No wonder he couldn't think coherently. He put the book and his notes aside and stood up, seeking for a blanket. He pulled it over Stella. He turned the lights off and found his bed. He felt tired. For a moment he stared at the ceiling. Few stripes of light from the street lamps came through the blinds, otherwise it was dark. Mac closed his blue eyes, a small smile on his lips. It didn't take long time before he was asleep, too.

xxx

The waves of Stella's dream tried to carry her through the night, but the waves weren't always the calm ones. They held the signs of upcoming tempest. The nightmare drew Stella back to her memories. It was like a dark ocean, the black water held something eerie beneath the surface. The fear she had felt for such a long time, never fully abandoned her. She was afraid. She always felt the hideous fear. It always came seeking for her.

Though Stella had fallen asleep quite quickly on the sofa, she felt the hidden horrors again. She saw the nightmare that would not leave her and that was always the same.

She sat in the backseat of a car.

The sudden noise of metallic collision.

Someone pulled her out of the car.

A woman's cry which lingered in the air.

The waves of the ocean surged against the cliff.

The swell of the sea.

The suffocating silence.

The ghost rattled in her mind…

Mac woke up suddenly when he heard Stella's sobbing and the few words she whispered in a foreign language. He didn't understand it, but the tone in her voice was full of sorrow and fear. Clearly, there was something wrong. He observed, seeing how the nightmare had reached her. He tried to clear his throat, hoping it would have woken her. Eventually he slipped out off the bed and stood up. He made his way to Stella and kneeled down next to the sofa.

One word ran from Stella's lips, a desperate whisper: "μητέρα.."

Mac had no idea what that word meant.

"Hey." Mac said and touched her shoulder, shaking her gently. He saw how the tears rolled down her cheeks.

Stella blinked her moist, darkened eyes and opened them slowly, sensing Mac's hand on her shoulder. She tried to focus on her surroundings. She needed to know where she was.

"Umm... I think you had a nightmare." Mac said and backed away when Stella saw him. She hauled herself up into a sitting position on the sofa and wiped away her tears, avoiding looking into his eyes.

"Are you all right?" Mac asked concerned. Stella nodded, only because she couldn't say anything. He could tell from her expression that she wasn't okay at all, and he felt stupid for asking. He touched her hand carefully, giving her time to pull away. She didn't. Mac felt he wasn't good at giving comfort, but realized that she needed it. In a way he would have wanted to hug her. Instead of wrapping his arms around her he gave her hand a soft squeeze. Stella lifted her gaze from their entwined fingers to meet his eyes. She took all the comfort he offered.

"I'm fine. Thanks…" She muttered.

"You said something- I didn't understand it." Mac stated.

"Must be the dream…" Stella's voice carried away as she tried to remember what she had said. Somehow the air felt suffocating as she felt the darkness around her. She closed her eyes. The ghost rattled in her mind again. She needed to get away.

"I think I should leave." Stella stood up suddenly. Mac lost his hold on her hand.

The room spun too fast, and she still heard how the waves surged against the cliff. The nausea swelled in her stomach. She managed to walk to the door and slip her feet into her sneakers. Then she rushed out of his flat, holding back the sick feeling inside her.

xxx

Mac leaned against the window frame. He hadn't imagined the night would end so strangely. There was something about Stella. He felt sorry for her. The way the nightmare had reached her made chills run down his spine. It had been so real for her. He tried to pronounce the foreign word, but laughed at his lame try. He made a mental note to search for a translation of the word. But as he thought about the meaning of it, he kept staring outside. It was dark, but because of the street lights he saw it all. He witnessed how the curly haired woman emptied the contents of her stomach on the ground. He hurried out of his apartment.

xxx

Stella wiped her mouth with the back of her right hand and let out a deep breath. Those nightmares always got under her skin. She hated having her mind so vulnerable. For her it was a sign of weakness, and she wasn't weak. But as tough as she wanted to be she knew better. When feeling physically sick after the nightmares, it was time to get help.

Still, she couldn't stop shuddering, and her heart was in her throat at the moment she felt a touch on her shoulder. She whirled around so quickly it made her head spin.

"Get your hands off—" She raised her voice but stopped abruptly.

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Mac mumbled, leaving some distance between them. He didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.

"I really should kick your ass for scaring me like that." She cursed under her breath trying to calm her rapid heartbeats.

"I called your name few times." Mac said truthfully. "You seemed to be lost in your thoughts…"

"Oh." Stella furrowed. "I guess I was."

"Yeah." He replied studying her expression. "Uh…are you okay?"

"I'm fine." She lied at him, hoping that maybe those words would be true someday. "I'm fine."

He didn't quite believe her, but nodded his agreement. He saw her turning around and walking away from him. "Go to sleep, Marine."

He called after her a small smile playing on his face. "How did you know?"

She peeked over her shoulder. "I saw _the picture_ on your wall. Good night, Mac."

He hesitated for a moment, but then he accompanied her. The faint breath of air whispered in the trees, and he breathed deeply the crisp air of the night. They walked across the park area. Now and then he looked at her. He suddenly encouraged suggesting. "You know, I could teach you some self defense techniques."

"Why?" She asked.

"Well—" He was about to reply, but didn't have a chance when her gaze blazed with annoyance, and she interrupted him. "I can take care of myself. "

"I just thought…" He swallowed nervously, and his heart began to beat faster. He was sure that she was able to hear his heart hammering in his chest, but she just waited for his reply. He cleared his throat and shrugged his shoulders like his suggestion was no big deal. "I just thought you could find the techniques useful."

"You want to teach me self defense techniques just because of those skills are useful?" She was a bit amused. "Really? We are at the police academy. We have all the training here…"

Silence fell between them as their gazes met.

_Oh…_

She studied his look for a moment, finding it oddly adoring how shy he really was. Her expression softened, and she smiled tentatively.

"Are you asking me out?"

His head was bowed and he chewed his lower lip. "Yeah."

She mumbled something in the foreign language, and he frowned.

"You know, you can say no _in English_, too."

Their gazes locked again. "I didn't say no."

"It's a date, then?" He didn't know where he absurd the courage.

Her smile was suddenly shy as she sealed their future. "Yeah, it's a date, Marine."

**TBC**

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Thanks for reading! The next chapter will be in present time. Feedback is always welcome.  
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	5. Nobody's Wife

**A/N: Thanks for the support! Lily, thanks for reading this piece. Mistakes are so mine. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

5. Nobody's Wife

The 16-17th of July, 2003, New York.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have started our descent. In preparation for landing, please make sure your seat backs and tray tables are in their full and upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage are stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Please turn off all electronic devices until we are safely parked at the gate. The flight attendants are currently passing around the cabin to pick up any remaining cups and glasses…"

He ran his fingers through his short cut hair, the style he had used since the days of being a soldier.

"Hope you enjoyed the flight…"The flight attendant said.

He walked in line to get out of the plane. A sly smile played on his face as he thought about her._ Honey, I'm home. _

xxx

"So, Danny. How are things at work?"

The psychologist, Carol Spencer, asked from her position behind the dark wooden desk. She sat on a leather chair and tilted her head a bit. Her practice was located in Manhattan. She liked the decoration as the walls were painted with soft colors and she had picked the furniture. She watched the young crime scene investigator, and her smile was soft, comforting. She brushed a few strands of her brown medium length hair to the back of her ear. Her gaze was warm, and few wrinkles sat round her eyes.

Danny had known from the moment they had met for the first time that it was no use lying. It depressed him a bit for he wanted to tell the woman that Taylor had got it all wrong, but as he spoke with the psychologist he began to understand the severe consequences of his actions. He had run after the suspect and ignored Taylor's order to stay at the crime scene. He thought he did the right thing, trying to catch the suspect of a murder, but the aftermath hadn't been pretty when all hell had broken loose in the metro station. He tried to talk it through with Taylor, but he didn't leave any options for him. Taylor didn't stand any obedient behavior from his team, and that was why Danny sat in the wide room in the psychological evaluation. There was only a time after this session.

"Danny?"

He was snapped back from his thoughts by the psychologist's concerned voice. Christ, he needed to concentrate. He had difficulties finding the right words. He couldn't mess things up.

"Great." He said finally. "Just great."

Carol gave a look that told him that she needed to hear more. He cleared his throat as the woman kept staring at him. He didn't know if she had talked about him with Taylor. Bet she had, but he couldn't swear. It made him nervous.

"I've done what I've been told to." He offered. "I don't think my boss has any negative words about my actions."

That was true. Whatever Taylor had told him to do, he had done it. He had pushed himself over his own limits even though he wanted to give up. He was tired, exhausted, but enjoyed every single second of his job.

"What about other colleagues?" She asked.

"I don't have any problems with them." He said truthfully, thinking about his colleagues and friends.

"But with Detective Taylor you have?"

"No. Not anymore." He tried to convince the psychologist. "I made mistakes, stupid ones, okay. I lost my chances to be second grade detective." He felt the remorse hitting him, and it was seen from his face.

"Everybody makes mistakes, Danny."

He met her gaze. "Even you?"

She laughed and admitted. "Even me. I'm not perfect."

"Good to know." He smirked.

She gave him a small smile before continuing. "But what I would like to know is how— " She started, but the sound of Danny's phone interrupted their session. He quickly took his phone out the pocket of his jeans and saw the name of the caller from the display of his phone. He could always call back to her, he thought. This was more important than a date. He deleted the call and turned off his phone.

"Sorry." He apologized.

"It's okay. You could have answered it." Carol smiled. "You have a life, I know." She took a pause. "Was it your girl friend?"

He felt as if he was under a microscope and changed the subject. "No. It wasn't."

Then, he cleared his throat. "What was your question?"

xxx

It was late when Stella got home from work. She felt more than exhausted. There were days when she didn't feel the pain, but at that moment when she opened the door of her apartment every bone in her body ached and sweat pearled on her forehead. She walked into the bathroom, put on lights and stared at her own reflection from the mirror. All the bruises and cuts were healed, she studied her face. She did that time to time. She needed to see that she was okay. But through the haze, she saw them; the purple bruises on her body. She felt hurt, but the feeling turned into anger in seconds. Her gaze landed on her wedding ring. _For better for worse._ The golden band had meant so much, but now it represented the chain that didn't seem to break_._ Restraining order was a useless piece of paper which didn't cut out the threat of violence. _Until death us do us part._ She repeated the sentence in her head. It had been so close…

She didn't hesitate at all when she tossed the ring into the sink. She let the water flow and witnessed how the ring vanished into the drain. If it only could be so simple to erase the past, she sighed. She took a shower and wrapped herself into a soft, cotton robe. On her way into to the bedroom she noticed the blinking red light of the answering machine. She pushed a button to release the voice.

She sat down on the sofa in the living room, listening to the voice which caused a smile on her face. Then the silence reached the apartment. She tried not to cry, but hot tears streamed along her cheeks. She covered her face with her palms and sobbed. The truth was safe, and only that mattered. She sat in the same position, crying, as the night fell. She thought about him and the decision she had made. She didn't know if she had made the right decision hiding the truth from him. She didn't know that at all.

xxx

Mac had been awake all night. He stared at the white ceiling, seeing how the gleams of the sun tried to brighten up the room through the blinds. The fall was on its way, though it was still summer, but the days of autumn would reach him inevitably. He lived in the apartment where he had lived with Claire. He had been happy with her. Life had been good. But, during the years, he had thought about another woman, Stella, time to time. How different their lives would have been if she had stayed? She vanished from his life, and it felt like the earth swallowed her. Where had she been? Why had she left him? Had he done something? Now, as if nothing had ever happened, she was in his life again.

He stood up from his bed and frowned. He didn't know what to think and yet he thought too much. There was so much he wanted to ask her. Had she been happy? Her wedding ring haunted him more than he realized. Why hadn't he been good enough for her? So many years he had lived not knowing the truth. Soon, he decided. Soon, he would find out everything.

xxx

Stella shot up in the sofa, sweat covering her body. Her heart hammered in her chest. She hadn't had a nightmare for so long. She moved into a sitting position and buried her face into her palms as it hurt to see the sun peeking through the blinds. She had a low hammering in her head and felt more than tired. The apartment was too silent. She rose up and made her way into the kitchen. She made coffee and tried to wake up for the new day. She took a deep breath and listened to the message. Then, she grabbed her phone and dialed numbers. She waited a moment, and then the call was answered.

"Hi, it's me, Stella."

"Hello darling. How are you?"

Stella smiled at hearing the woman's voice. She could never forget the place where they had met. She had sat on a bench in a cemetery, crying and watching her mother's grave, really not seeing anything. The woman who had lost her husband had walked past her but returned. She had sat beside her and handed a tissue—

"Stella. Are you all right?" The woman's voice cut into her thoughts.

Tears watered her eyes again, and she needed to clear her throat.

"Yes." Stella took a breath." I'm just great."

"That's good to hear." The woman said. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued. "You have been missed."

"Oh yeah?" Tears fell along Stella's cheeks, and the woman heard her muffled sobs.

"I'm sorry." The woman spoke softly. "I didn't mean to upset you. I know you try to build up a new life, and I'll give you my all support and love. You are a tough woman, Stella Bonasera."

"No, it's all right. I feel so silly." She explained. "I haven't slept at all and…and…" She rambled. "And I know you are the only person I can rely on in this world, but I can't help but think that—"

"That everything is fine here?" The woman suggested.

"Yeah." She breathed.

"Would you like to hear it yourself?"

Before Stella said anything, she heard another voice, the one that had left her a message.

"Mommy?"

TBC

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If you have time to R & R that would be great! Thanks!**


	6. Healing Scars

**A/N: It has taken a long time to update – again. Sorry. That's the word I'll repeat. Thank you for those who read and reviewed the latest chapter. It's always really nice to get some support. Lily. Thank you again. If I ever get this story completed it's because of your help and support. Mistakes are all mine. I own nothing.**

6. Healing Scars

March, 1990. New York City, at the police academy.

There was an amused smile on Mac Taylor's face as he stood at the corner of the park area watching the woman. She carried a moving box out of the dormitory and stepped down the stairs. She stopped where the stairs ended and grimaced. Clearly, the box was heavy for she lowered the box on the frozen ground. He checked the time on his watch and smirked. She just couldn't wait for him even though they had agreed that he would help her to move into a studio in the new dormitory. The months they had known each other had passed quickly. He had moved out of the dormitory into the city once he got a job after graduation. And yes, there had been the first date, he smiled. He couldn't believe how everything had changed. He tucked his palms into the pockets of his jacket as the chilly wind whirled around the area. He headed across the park toward his girlfriend. It was an early Saturday morning, and the sky was heavy with a blanket of clouds, and the air was crispy with a cold breath of air. They headed for spring, but he guessed they would face a few storms before the calmness.

xxx

"I think we agreed something," Mac said as he met Stella at the end of the stairs. He took a moving box from her and gave her a stern look, but a smile curved his lips.

"Oh, hi." She flashed a wide smile and blushed a bit. "I just thought I that I'd spare you."

Spare me? He thought. She was the one who had had rough months of studying and practicing. It should have been enough to cope with but she still got nightmares, though they had decreased since she had gone into therapy. She had told him that she needed to solve some things from her past, but that was all he knew. She seemed to do okay, was probably the best cadet in her class: he wasn't so worried about her becoming a police officer though his troubles involved her being hurt in the line of duty. Sometimes at nights when he was awake and watched her restless sleeping, he knew her journey had just begun. Whatever it was, he hoped she would share her troubles with him. He had learnt during the months they had dated that she was used to doing everything alone. Hopefully, she would understand soon that she wasn't alone anymore.

He nodded. "But I'm here, Stell. Show me the way."

They started to carry the moving boxes in comfortable silence toward the second dormitory in line. Sometimes he smirked at her, making jokes. It didn't take long as they carried all her items into her new home.

"Nice flat." Mac looked around the room while they sat on the floor and enjoyed coffee.

"It's a mess." Stella frowned looking at the moving boxes on the floor. It was going to take some time to put everything in order though she didn't have much stuff. Mac tasted his coffee, and it sure was good. He was used to drinking black coffee, but this time the flavor was very sweet.

"What you put in here?" he asked keen to know. Stella smirked at him.

"It's a secret."

"You wanna share it?" Mac sipped again.

Stella laughed. "No." Her green eyes sparkled, but seeing him acting as he was hurt, she gave in. "Well, maybe someday."

"I'll take that as a yes." An amused smile appeared on his face, and he rose up from the floor. "Thanks for the coffee."

She rose up from the floor herself too and took the cup from his hand, putting the cups into the sink in the kitchenette. Mac watched her as she turned around and made her way toward him.

Thanks for helping me." She kissed him and snaked her arms around his neck.

"My pleasure." He murmured against her hair and caressed her back. She's so slender, he thought. His fingers reached the nape of her neck, and he massaged the sore muscles at the base. She pressed her forehead against his shoulder surrendering to his touch.

"Oohh…" A weak moan escaped from her lips. The sound was shuddering, and the breath she took sent a sort of pleasure through him. Then, the thick silence fell around them as they stood in each other's arms.

"Mac?" she whispered as he pressed his lips against her neck.

"Yes?"

"Do you have plans tonight?" she asked breathlessly.

"Not right now…"

"Good..." Her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. "That's good."

xxx

"So, what are your plans tonight?" Stella stepped out from the shower and wrapped a towel around her. Her moist hair dripped water along her shoulders. Mac enjoyed the view resting on the bed.

"I'll meet my friend later on this evening."

"Have I met him?" She sat on the edge of the bed, thought a moment and looked at Mac. She rested her hand on his chest, her fingertips caressing the scar. She was lost in her thoughts. "Or her?"

"Jealous?" Mac grinned.

"No." She huffed and was about to leave, but Mac got a hold on her and pulled her next to him on the narrow bed.

"Not even a bit?" he teased her, tickling her.

"No!" She laughed and tried to wiggle out from his embrace. "Mac, don't!"

He continued her gentle torture so long as she admitted she was jealous – at least a bit. Of course, he knew how deeply her feelings were, but as coy as she sometimes was, it felt good to hear her admitting something so primitive.

"God, Mac!" Stella rested beside the widely grinning man. "You are such a dork."

"Hah, but I'm your dork." He kissed her gently and turned on his side.

"Fine, fine." She couldn't help but smile at his smugness. "Now that I have admitted that I'm a jealous type of woman, you can tell me about your friend."

"Jace is my army pal. You probably saw him in the picture I had on the wall." He reminded her. "He's a marine from Chicago, the—"

"The windy city, I know," Stella continued and said thoughtfully. "I've never visited the city."

"I'll take you there someday."

"Really?" she asked. "To see what?"

"Well, my parents live there," Mac replied watching her reaction. "I'd like you to meet them."

Stella swallowed nervously. She hadn't seen any parents of her dates. No man would take a girlfriend to home if he wasn't serious about her, she realized.

"That— That would be nice," she said honestly, meeting his gaze. "Someday."

"That's a deal, but in case you don't have anything to do tonight…" Mac looked at the moving boxes and grinned. "Well, I'm meeting my friend in a bar. We haven't seen each other for a while. Join us, if you get tired of unpacking. "

"In what bar?" Stella asked right away. "Unpacking can wait."

xxx

The man smoked in front of the bar. He smoked when he was nervous. He tossed the butt away as he noticed a couple approaching him. His friend had called him and confirmed their meeting, and before they ended the call his friend mentioned that his girlfriend would come along as well. He coughed and decided to stop smoking, but he knew the reality of quitting. He had tried but always failed. He was a loser, or that was how his old man had thought about him – even in his sick bed – and he had started to believe in that himself. The poor old bastard had lost his battle with cancer. The only thing of his he had been proud of him was the army career he gained. It wasn't much considering the amount of troubles he coped with in his life but at least he had done everything for his country. It was half because of how impulsive and cold minded he had been and agreed to accomplish every assigned mission. He hadn't cared about his life, and that's why he ended up behind the enemy line and wounded badly. Lying on the ground, blood seeping through his clothes, he had stared at the night sky full of stars and listened to the voices of the battle. He had thought that that was it, that it was his time. But somewhere appeared his saviors. Mac Taylor was one of them; the other two had died saving his life. The dangerous journey behind the enemy line hadn't left Mac unwounded. Still, he wouldn't be here without Mac, the man who now walked with a saucy looking lady toward him. The scars still ached but he didn't care about the pain. It reminded him about the time when he mattered something.

He nodded at Mac but his gaze lingered a long time on the woman beside the dark haired marine.

"Jace!" He heard Mac's voice and forced himself not to stare at the curly haired woman. Her eyes shone and her cheeks were red because of the coldness. She smiled beautifully.

"Mac!" He looked at him. "Long time no see. How are you?" He asked, shaking his commander's hand.

"Good. I'm good." Mac smiled and introduced Stella to his friend.

"Nice to meet you." Stella said and studied the man's face. Above the left eyebrow was a faint scar. She shared the same eye color with the man. His chopped army styled hair was sand brown and when he smiled he looked like a boy who had been caught doing bad things. She didn't know yet what to think about him. It took time for her to trust people.

"I'm Jace." He replied with a smirk. "Good to see Mac's woman."

Stella hemmed at his words.

"Why don't we continue inside the bar, so we don't freeze to death?" Mac guided them inside the crowded bar.

xxx

Stella really enjoyed her time with the marines. Mac seemed to be a very good friend with Jace. They shared more than bond of the friendship. She thought it was because of Mac saving his life. She couldn't imagine how awful it all must have been. She listened to the men as they recalled the time when they were in the field hospital. During the conversation she found out that Mac had been wounded as well. The scar, she thought and shivered. The men were in a deep conversation, but that didn't bother her. She excused herself and made her way into the ladies' room.

xxx

"So where did you two meet?" Jace asked, after he saw Stella disappearing into the ladies' room back in the bar.

"It's a long story." Mac drank a few sips of his beer, leaning back in his seat. The bar was crowded, but they were lucky to find empty seats at the back of the bar.

"She seems to be a nice girl, Mackie."

"Stop calling me that." Mac laughed. Jace laughed, too.

"So, tell me. Where did you find such a catch?"

"Believe me or not but we kind of met accidentally." Mac remembered the certain evening in the library. "In the library of the police academy."

"She's a cop?" Jace blurted as if he couldn't believe what the other man said.

"Not yet. But will be." Mac corrected and wondered at his reaction. "Is that hard to believe?"

Jace ordered more beers before replying. He shrugged his shoulders. "No, it's just that… She… Well… She doesn't look like a cop."

"She's the best in her class." Mac said.

Jace smiled differently. "Bet she is."

Mac wished they could drop the subject. "So, do you have anything going on?"

Jace smirked. "There are ladies…"

"There are ladies… "Mac imitated. He knew exactly what he meant. He wasn't the type of man who would settle down with any woman.

You know, Jace." Mac started and took a sip of his fresh poured beer. "You should fall in love. That changes a man."

"Are you in love, then?" Jace inquired seriously.

Mac nodded and witnessed Stella making her way toward their seats. "Believe me or not, but when you find the right one…" He felt how the slight blush rose on his cheeks. Thank God it was dim in that bar. There was something in Stella that made his heart beat like a jungle drum. She was an attractive woman who definitely had her own will. Maybe it was the thing he felt drawn to. Maybe it was her eyes. Maybe it was the moment when she had reached the book just before him. Maybe it was how she had been in her barest state of mind.

Maybe it all was meant to be.

"I think I am." Mac directed his gaze to Stella. Their conversation died when Stella reached the men.

"You know, I think I'll head back to my apartment." Stella said, putting on her jacket, and smiled in apology. There was so much to do; now that she finally had her own room.

"I'll walk you home." Mac put money on the table.

"Mac, you don't have to." Stella smiled.

"Yeah, the evening is still young." Jace tried, watching his friend.

"I'm good." Mac replied. He had drunk enough beers tonight, and so had his friend, but he wouldn't leave the bar yet. "Let's catch up again, soldier."

"That's a promise, lieutenant?

"Of course. Semper fi." Mac promised. "I'll call you. Take it easy."

Stella looked questioningly at the men.

"It's Latin and means always faithful. It's our motto." Jace lifted his beer. "Cheers!"

xxx

It didn't snow after all. The pale moon lightened the dark night as the couple sat on the cold cement stairs. It was a chilly night, though Mac felt the warmth of Stella's body. She kept staring at her hands which rested on her lap. He had no idea why she guided them to that place, where they were and what they waited for. Finally, she lifted her gaze. Her eyes were filled with tears.

"I used to live there," Stella said quietly. Her words were full of anger. She stared at the building across the street. Mac had seen the building sometimes as he had driven past it but never paid much attention to it. He had never thought about what kind of life the building held inside.

"I'm sorry, I don't know the place." Mac confessed.

"It's an orphanage." Stella's lower lip trembled.

Mac thought about his life, how much he appreciated his childhood and parents. Her past was different, so raw, and he had been blessed with a family and a home. He couldn't imagine the pain of losing a beloved one and living a life without the people who mattered the most. He had never felt so much pain for someone. "I'm sorry."

She nodded, not saying a word. She took a sharp intake of breath and turned to look at him and their gazes met.

"I have seen…"

_Nightmares?_

"Nightmares." She continued. "I don't know why. Guess you know already. I mean… You woke me up when I fell asleep on you couch. I have seen them other times, too."

"That's why you go for the therapy?" Mac guessed.

Stella nodded.

He reached for her hand, giving her the time she needed. When she spoke, her voice was small.

"I don't remember..."

"μητέρα." He recalled the word that troubled his mind. "What does that mean?" Mac asked.

She laughed, but tears kept falling. "It's Greek and means mother."

"I called after her when the car…" She shook her head in agony. She heard the sound of the waves. She heard the silence.

"I called after my mother, but I don't remember anything." She needed to say the reality that had been haunting her. "I can't remember my mother."

Mac breathed the cold air of the night. The sound of the cars distracted him and he realized that she must be frozen. He stood up, offering his hand to her. "You're cold."

"I don't mind."

"But I do."

His words affected her, and she smiled. They rose up and strolled along the street side by side, hand in hand. He didn't want to let her go. She peeked over her shoulder once before they turned around the corner.

"What happened to your father?" Mac asked.

Stella thought for a moment before answering. "I can't remember him either."

"Was he in the car?"

"I… I don't remember. I… I don't think he was." Stella closed her eyes and let Mac guide her. "I was so little when the accident happened. Or so I've been told."

When Mac looked at her a puzzled look on his face, Stella spoke. "The nuns told me so." Then she continued. "I remember hands pulling me out of the car, but I don't know who the person was. Somebody saved me and I don't know who…"

They walked along the street in silence. She stopped short, tugging his arm. He didn't go any further without her. There was a nervous laugh and she lowered her gaze: "This is absurd."

He tilted her head, lifting her chin so she met his gaze. "What is?"

"What I'm going to say." Tears glimmered in her eyes.

"Whatever makes you happy, Stell." His heart hammered in his chest as he didn't know what to expect.

Her breath caressed the side of his face. "I'm happy with you, Mac. I'm falling in love with you."

He turned his head, and it was just inches away from hers. He was relieved what she said about them. He felt the same way. He looked at her green eyes and whispered. "This is real, Stell." And his lips skimmed over hers. "We are real."

"Good." She smiled and continued her walking watching the man beside her. "Because I don't want to wake up from this amazing dream and face another nightmare."

TBC

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Thanks for reading. Feedback - as always - is very welcome. Happy 2011!


	7. Kingdom of Dragonflies

**A/N: Thank youuuuu for your feedback! I'm truly happyyyy!:) Lily, thank you for your help! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**No, wait. The dog is mine.**

**Oh, and mistakes. **

**Hmm, that's all.**

**7. Kingdom of Dragonflies**

The 19th of July, 2003.

A narrow, gritty road led to the cottage which was shadowed by trees. The trees gave enough shelter and hid the cottage and the garden almost completely from the prying eyes of summer visitors to the other cottages. This was a two-layered cottage with timber walls. It had a kitchen with breakfast bar, two small bedrooms and a bathroom on the first floor. The living room area was comfy with a large fireplace that warmed the entire room in winter time. The staircase led to the second floor where the two bedrooms with bathrooms and a screened balcony were located.

In the kitchen, where the heart of the house was, Doctor Jill Cameron stood looking out through the kitchen window down to the small lake shore. Mosquitoes danced in the air, trying to escape the dragonflies. Water glimmered, and the sky was cloudless. A mild wind now and then whispered in the trees. The joyful screams of the children splashing water on each other filled the air.

The gray haired woman wasn't worried about the noises. Some might have enjoyed the peacefulness of nature that the place offered, but she had always found the happy voices of the children delightful. The silence reminded her of her loss. Her husband had lost his battle with cancer years ago and she missed him every day. They had bought the summer place when their children were small. Now, as the years had gone, and wrinkles surrounded her eyes, she found the place her true home. She didn't miss living in a big city for she had had enough of urban life. Smiling, she saw her grandchildren through the kitchen window and glanced at her best friend.

"You would like to join the party, wouldn't you?" She tapped softly her dog. The icy eyed Siberian husky howled, waving its tail. The dog ran toward the door which led in the back yard of the cottage. She laughed and followed the dog, turning on the alarm system and making sure she had her phone with her. She grabbed a couple of towels along on the counter by the doorway. They both vanished outside and soon she was surrounded by her grandchildren.

"Grandma!"

"How is the water, my dears?"

"It's so warm, come to swim grandma!" An eight year old, sand brown haired boy begged as water drops sparkled on his tanned skin.

"Maybe later." Jill wrapped a towel around the small boy and tousled his hair. She looked around, looking for the one who was hidden.

The children, except the boy, ran back to the small shore. One red-winged dragonfly fled just above his head making him jump.

"I hate those damn bugs." He muttered.

"Young man, watch your language." She gave him a stern look.

"Still, I hate them. They always fly toward me." He kept whining.

"They don't attack you. Remember what Vera has told you?"

"She's a nerdy, grandma."

"Oh Eli, you're just jealous how good she is in biology."

"Duh, I'll bet there aren't so many dragonflies in the big apple." Eli shrugged his shoulders. It caught her attention and felt a sudden twist in her heart.

"And what do you know about the big apple, young man?"

"That's going to be her new home, isn't it?"

"Is that what she told you?" She asked sadly, knowing the truth already.

He didn't reply, but nodded toward the garden. There she was, sitting on the ground and leaning against the biggest oak which offered the best sun block. She had her legs crossed, a book in her lap, black curls falling over her shoulders reaching all the way down to her small waist.

The boy bit his lower lip and glanced at the girl. "Maybe she doesn't want to go there." And then he looked at Jill right in the eyes. "Make her stay here with us."

Jill tried to look as if his words didn't affect her. Instead of giving en explanation of how things aren't always so simple, she placed a soft kiss on the boy's cheek. This caused a slight protest.

"Grandma, no kissing! I'm not a baby anymore." The boy wiggled out of her embrace.

"Oh Eli, you are always a baby in my eyes." She laughed softly.

"Duh, I'm not." He seemed to be truly irritated by his grandmother's affection, but before he ran off to play with the other children he looked at the older woman and bit his lower lip, hesitating.

"What is it?" She asked.

He didn't answer to her, but glanced at the girl and it gave an answer to her what bothered his mind. She tapped his back gently and suggested: "Why don't you go play for a while?"

The boy sprang into a run. She witnessed how Eli hopped into the lake, giving a good splash of water all over the others who protested by screaming and laughing. Then, she headed toward the small girl.

"Vera?" She asked tentatively as she was a few feet away from her.

Her eyes flickered open. She glanced up at the older woman. She stood up slowly, and Jill ran her fingers through her hair. "Is everything all right, dear?"

She snaked her arms around Jill's waist and looked for comfort.

"Oh honey…" She placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "Why don't you come with us to the shore?"

"I want my mom, Aunt Jill." The velvet sparkled in her eyes as she glanced up at the older woman, and the look on her face – the one she had seen once on her mother's face – broke her heart.

"Soon, sweetie." Jill's eyes watered. "Soon."

xxx

In New York City, Stella arrived at work. Her hair was pinned up at the back of her head and she wore a pair of faded jeans with a shirtless top. She thought about choosing flip flops but ended wearing a pair of high heels. After her morning run in the park, she had taken a shower and enjoyed a breakfast. She tried to form a pattern to keep her mind focused. Still, she missed her daughter with every breath. But it was best for Vera to stay with Aunt Jill, the woman Stella considered as her mother. She wanted to get things settled before Vera could move. She only needed to contact a school near their apartment, but that could be done later on the following autumn. Everything was pretty much ready as she had a work and chosen the kind of apartment that offered enough space for the two of them.

One thing was undone though. She stared at Mac's laptop on the desk and pondered about using it. Then, she quickly opened the laptop. She typed an email address and with a few clicks she booked a flight ticket. She sent a text message to Jill and asked her to check her email account. She had sent the booked flight ticket as an attachment to Jill's email. Her heart raced as she was sure that Mac would enter the room any time. But as she looked at the time it was nine o'clock in the morning and she stood in Mac's office alone.

Her gaze wondered around the room. It was the first time she had been able to study peacefully all the pictures on the walls. A picture, which she had seen so many times before, of the four Marines made her shiver. She wondered if Mac knew about what kind man one of them had been, would he still have kept the picture out. She stared at it a long time before letting her gaze wonder around the room, ending up staring a photo on Mac's desk. The woman with golden light hair smiled happily. _Claire_. The last time, years ago, her hair was longer. The last time—

_Knock knock._

Stella lifted her gaze and saw Detective Lindsay Monroe waiting by the door.

"Morning." Stella said as she met the gaze of the younger woman. "Come in."

"Good morning." Lindsay smiled, nervously. She was surprised to see Stella in Mac's office. She wondered if Mac agreed about Stella using his office.

"Have you had your coffee yet?" Stella asked.

"No."

"I hope we have time to drink." Stella transferred her attention to the picture again. Lindsay witnessed it. Smiling a bit sadly, she took few steps towards the desk.

"Claire."

_I know her name._

Stella looked as if she didn't know what Lindsay talked about.

Lindsay nodded, saying: "Mac's wife, but she—"

"Oh." She had prepared herself for that kind of information, but it still ached to hear it.

"But she died on 9/11." The younger woman continued.

"I didn't know..." Stella said after a moment of silence. She wondered if he had been happy with her.

"How could you have known?" Lindsay stated, capturing Stella's attention. "I mean, you and Mac. You hardly know each other."

Stella thought about that for a moment. Yes, they barely knew each other nowadays. But she couldn't help but wonder if they had ever known each other so well after all.

xxx

Mac was late from work and he was very aware of that. Insomnia, the howling dog at the next door when he finally fell asleep, the goddamn morning traffic and the heat. He cursed everything while walking toward his office. Finally, he sat down onto his chair and breathed deeply. Having no time to check his email, he witnessed his second-in-command entering the room without knocking.

"Good morning." Stella said holding a piece of paper in her hand.

He grunted his greetings, and pondered if he should tell her to knock first, but managed, barely, to shut his mouth.

If Stella noticed his bad mood, she didn't let it show.

Mac paid attention to the paper she held. "What's that?"

"Oh,here. Lindsay asked me to bring you this." She handed the paper. "It's the result of the gun powder test."

Mac read the text on the paper and put it on the desk. "No match." He added.

It was the knock on the door which interrupted him.

"Yes." They said and turned to look each other before witnessing a secretary stepping inside the room.

"Detective?" She asked.

"Yes, Julie?" Mac said.

"Uh.. Detective Bonasera?" The secretary corrected.

"What is it?" Stella replied and was given a yellow, post-it note. Julie exited the office. Stella looked at the note, and her face paled which didn't go unnoticed by Mac. As much as she tried to hide her hands trembling, Mac saw her trepidation. The mood changed in the room. It wasn't just tense, it was more that it was suddenly filled with floating and heart cribbing fear.

"Detective?"

She tucked the piece of paper into the pocket of her jeans and rose up. "So, do you think Danny could use some help with processing the evidences?"

Without waiting his response she walked toward the door.

He hesitated, but then he rose up from his chair.

"I know it isn't my business, but is everything all right?"

She peeked over her shoulder. "Yeah, I'm… I'm fine."

He watched through the glass walls which separated his office from the wide corridor as she vanished around the corner. He grabbed his phone and dialed numbers. He waited for a moment before the call was answered.

"It's Mac Taylor. Yeah, no need to apologize, Julie. Listen, about Stel.." He mentally cursed not being so formal. "About detective Bonasera." He cleared his throat. "Would you send her files into my office… Don't worry about Chief Sinclair. Just say that I needed to check few things. Just send the files. Thank you."

After the phone call, he tossed a pencil on his desk and scrubbed his face. He didn't know what bothered him more, the fact that she lied to him about being fine or the fact that she had no ring on her hand. Soon, he would find out.

xxx

Somewhere, beneath the darkened sky, Vera and Eli stared at the blinking stars. They lay on the dock, wrapped in their own blankets.

"When you are going to leave us?" Eli bit his lower lip. He didn't want to lose his best friend. He liked Vera: the other girls were dummies but she was different. She knew all the cool stuff he was interested in, too.

"I don't know."

"What's that?" Eli asked after another moment of silence, pointing the moving item on the sky.

"That's an airplane, Eli." Vera started to giggle.

That got Eli blushing, but thankfully it was so dark it hid his expression well. "I was just testing you."

"Yeah right, Eli." Vera snorted. "I'm going to miss this, you know."

The idea of not spending time with her made him sad. "I'll bet _there_ you won't see stars."

"I'll bet you'll be afraid of the dragonflies the next time we meet." She spoke sharply.

"I'm not scared of them!" Eli protested.

"Let's make a deal then."

"What kind of deal?" Eli asked.

Vera turned her head toward him "Next time we meet, I'll tell about the stars I saw in New York and you tell me about the dragonflies."

He thought about it a second. He could win his fear. "O- Okay."

The ripple of the lake cut the silence as they admired the beautiful sight above them.

xxx

A folder rested on Mac's desk as he came back from the lab. The late afternoon caressed the city with its heat and sun. The air condition hummed in the room. Mac took the folder in his hands and read the information.

Name: _Stella Elena Bonasera_.

Birth date and place: _12-4-1967, Greece_.

Relatives: _Mother_; _Elena Bonasera born 1942 died 1971. Father; unknown._

Address: _241 Chambers, apt 5G, New York City_.

The latest work history: _Narcotics in Seattle 1998-2002_.

Present job: _CSI in New York_.

Rank: _Detective 1__st__ Grade._

Position: _Crime scene investigator._

Next of kin: _Dr. Jill Cameron. 555 100797_.

Jill Cameron? It was a familiar name. Mac thought for a moment and wrote the information up. Otherwise there wasn't anything special that would give away something about the latest member of his team.

Marital Status: _Married 1994-2002_. With who? Mac wanted to know. _Divorced since 2002_. Why?

He put the folder on his desk and counted. A year after she disappeared from his life she got married? A year ago she got divorced? From 1998 to 2002 she lived in Seattle as she worked there. He decided to check the information. So, the missing years were 1994-1998? He wrote the years on a paper.

He kept reading. She had been on sick leaves often, but always returned into the field tasks. There were marks of the short hospital visits 1999-2001 which he assumed to be because of the job. There was also a longer hospital visit, two weeks in the end of 2001 and after that specific time the visits ended. Things got heavy in Narcotics, he assumed as he read that she had given her notice after January 2002. Then, there was only the information that she had been chosen to his team. He glanced through the rest of the papers and ended up in the last page of the folder. He was about to close it, but the red marked text caused his heart jump rapidly in his chest. A restraining order? That information changed everything.

xxx

Several hospital visits. Sick leaves. A longer hospital visit. A restraining order. A divorce. A disappearance.

All the pieces of the puzzle began to form together and he was determined to find out at least a part of the truth. He found out the number of the Narcotics office in Seattle she worked in and made a call.

"Narcotics." The man answered shortly. His voice was low and authoritative.

"Hello. This is Detective Mac Taylor calling from New York's crime lab." He began. "With whom I can speak about your former detective, Stella Bonasera?"

"I'm detective Cole Emerson." The man introduced himself. "How can I help you?"

Mac explained his business and the man confirmed that Stella had worked in Narcotics. She had been partners with him as well.

"Too bad she quit." The man said.

"Why is that?" Mac asked.

"Simply that she was one of the best detectives we had."

Mac glanced through the papers and stated: "If I have understood correctly, she was on sick leave often. She couldn't cope with the pressure of the job?"

There was a silence at the other end.

"Haloo?"

"Yeah, sorry." The man cleared his throat. "Look, we don't pay attention to others' sick leaves. I'm sure she had her reasons."

"I understand." Mac said shortly and understood that the man knew more than he told him.

"We, including her, didn't and still don't talk about our private live." The man continued. "We just want to protect our families."

_But she didn't have a family. Only a husband. _Mac wanted to add, but spoke anyway. "It says she's married."

"Yeah, that's correct. A decent guy, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Nah. I heard them fighting on the phone time to time." He explained. "Guess he didn't like how tough his wife was. He was hot tempered sometimes."

_Bet he was._ Mac thought how hot tempered he had been toward Stella. He kept the words unspoken. "Well, okay. Thanks for your time."

"Say hi for me. Anytime she wants to come back, she is welcome."

Mac promised to do so.

xxx

It was late when Mac headed toward the elevator. He was on his way to home. Mac heard the sound of water coming from the lockers as he passed the door. The moist and hot air in the locker room hit his face as he stepped further. He saw the pile of clothes on the bench, a phone on them and a yellow post-it note fallen on the floor. He picked it up. He didn't have time to read it completely, only catching the number of a flight, when he heard Stella's voice was voice raspy and upset: "What are you doing?"

"I…" He began, but couldn't end his sentence as he watched Stella wrapped in a towel walking toward him.

She snapped the note from his hand. "You have no right. "

"It was on the floor." He crossed his arms over his chest studying her look. His gaze fell along the water drops sliding from her hair along her shoulders. She snorted something in disbelief and turned her back toward him.

It was the scar over her shoulder blade which caught his attention. The word restraining order hammered in his mind. _What did he do to you?_ He really didn't think about it when he placed his hand over it because the last time he touched that part of her body it was unbroken.

"Stella..."

Her muscles trembled beneath his palm. It caused him swallowing his next word. As the scar vanished beneath the towel he tugged it gently downwards, making sure it didn't fall completely off her, to see how low it went. She didn't protest as she felt his fingers following the scar from her shoulder blade down onto her right hip. He rested his hand on her hip bone where the scar ended. He stood completely petrified by his discovery, suddenly timid of the knowledge of her bare skin and their close proximity.

He cleared his throat and was tempted to brush her moist hair over her shoulder. "What happened?"

"Some junkie got me off guard, that's all."

"Some junkie?" He asked in disbelief.

She tilted her head toward him, but didn't look at him. "That's the danger of our job, _detective_ Taylor."

"Is that who I am to you?"

"You're my boss now."

"I think we should talk." He didn't move away from her.

"Talk?" She shook her head, laughing. "You wanna talk now?"

How much longer would they avoid their past, he didn't know. He had so many questions in his head, and a one burst from his mouth.

"Where is your ring?"

He saw the same reaction in her as she read the post-it note in his office. She stepped away from him and told him to do his own conclusions.

"You… I…" He began to be exasperated. For why, he couldn't figure out. "You are my concern as a member of my team and—"

"Oh, is that I am to you?" She turned around and eyed him. He bit at his lower lip and started to say something but for some reason he couldn't form words.

"That's what I thought, _Detective _Taylor."

He knew there would be no talking with her. Still, he scrubbed his face with his hand. "Look, I have read your files, Stella. There were no marks on any junkie's assault."

"I worked in Narcotics." She wrapped the towel tighter around her as she realized how naked and exposed she was. "You should know it's classified information."

"I called in Seattle." The comment was given in a quiet voice. "You weren't in the hospital _several times_ because of the job."

She stared at Mac with no color on her face. If he knew… God, if he knew about the truth. "You have no right…"

He was right and saw it all in her features.

"What happened?"

She swallowed and blinked hard to keep the tears falling.

"What did he do?"

It was the sound of her cell phone that interrupted them, saving her. She grabbed it and stared at the display of the phone.

"I need to get this." She said her eyes glistening. "Please, leave. This is personal."

He stared at her for a long time and exited the room. He found himself leaning against the wall next to the door. He closed his eyes, praying for forgiveness because he was about to hear every word of her call. But he wasn't prepared for anything he was about to hear. When the words came out of her mouth, his eyes snapped open and his heart dropped below a zero point.

"_Hi baby girl… I love you..."_

**tbc**

* * *

Thank you for reading. Feedback is always welcome. I must say that the next chapter is still unfinished, so be patient, the update may take awhile. Sorry.


	8. The Frost Killing Hours Part I

**A/N: Hello and thank you for the feedback. This chapter will be posted in two parts for otherwise it would have been too long, I think. Sorry about the language. Hope you don't find this boring as this is an AU story and doesn't go hand in hand with the plot of the show. Slowly, chapter by chapter, we'll reach the very end. **

**Lily, thank you for the help. Mistakes are all mine.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**8. The Frost Killing Hours**

**Part I**

December 1990, Chicago

The street was eerie and quiet, fitting to the time of year and time of the day. It snowed heavily and the frost killing hours kept people inside their houses. Nobody wanted to enter to the mercy of the horrible weather. A taxi rolled slowly along the street as the high snow mounds hid most of the space of the sidewalks. There wasn't much room for cars.

"You can leave me here," Mac said to the driver. The taxi stopped when they reached the last house at the end of the street. It was a single story Ranch Style house built in the 1960s. Mac paid for the ride, and the driver helped get the suitcase out of the trunk. The snowflakes settled down. Standing at the street walk and admiring the Christmas decorated house, Mac began to carry his luggage through the snowy yard. On his way he could easily witness the warm lighting inside the house for the large windows with a sliding glass door disclosed the view. He knocked on the door but didn't wait for anybody to open the door as he unlocked the door with the key to his childhood home. The delicious aroma of fresh baked gingerbread lingered in the air. The soft hum of a Christmas song traveled all the way to the hallway. He lowered his luggage on the floor and hung his quilted jacket on the rack, listening to the voices coming from the kitchen. He made his way to the kitchen. Watching his mother all fussing and hustling, Mac stood at the doorway, still a bit amused by how his mother had the energy, and greeted the woman.

"Mac!" His mother, Millie Taylor, turned around. "Oh, you are early. Welcome home." He was given a light kiss on his cheek.

"Merry Christmas." he hugged her. "How are you?"

"Merry Christmas, my son." she smiled, tapping gently on his cheek. "Better now that you are here. How was the flight?" she asked and guided him to sit beside the table. "The weather is awful." she shook her head. "I haven't been able to do grocery shopping at all. The streets are covered with the snow and you know I'm not so good at driving in a bad weather. Your sister's family will be here in a week. And your father…" she sighed. "Well, he can't drive anymore and—"

"Mom." Mac interrupted her.

"Yes?"

"I can do it."

"Oh, that would be lovely but first you have to eat." she told him and continued. "Here." she placed a cup of coffee and a mayonnaise sandwich in front of him on the table. "Enjoy."

Mac dug in to the food. His stomach growled loudly. She kept asking about his work but as fast as he replied there was a new question to be answered.

"But for heaven's sake!" Millie rose up from her seat and looked at her son. "Where is she? Stella?" Before Mac was able to give his reply, his mother hurried into the hallway and came back a disappointed look on her face. "She's not here."

Mac placed his coffee cup on the table. "She will be."

"Oh." Millie smiled. "When?"

"S- oon." Mac mumbled his mouth full of food.

"Don't tease your mother, MacKenna."

Mac swallowed. "She's coming later on. I'm here because of dad. How is he?"

"He's tired and needs to rest more, but he has no pain. Yet." she shook her head sadly. "Oh Mac, he's waited for you. He wants to see your girl."

"What's up with seeing Stella?" Mac wanted to know. He waited his mother to reply to his question but she remained silent. When she wiped her moist eyes, he understood their anxious reasons to meet Stella. He walked by his mother and tapped gently on her shoulder. Then, he headed to greet MacKenna Senior.

xxx

Jace sat in his car at the parking area. He couldn't get out of the car. The big building rose up in front of him and somewhere, inside those walls, his mother walked or sat in the wheelchair. He needed to be in contact more with the staff took care of her. He would have preferred spending the holidays anywhere else but decided at least to see how she coped. After all she was his mother. Since his old man had died he had tried to help his mother as much as he could, but seeing his mother slipping into the darkness deeper and deeper he knew it wasn't much. He attended the army as soon as it was possible and was taken away from home. He felt safer close by the enemy lines than inside the walls of his childhood home which, as he had stayed there for a couple days and had noticed, needed reparation badly. He sighed and lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply. What the hell did he know about reparation of a house? Nothing. His old man had been nothing but a violent asshole until he couldn't even raise his hands. The tumor in his head had ended his life.

He didn't miss his old man as he had realized at a very young age that the role model his father offered wasn't worth much. He understood that he needed survive alone, but that didn't stop him feeling guilty of how he couldn't stop old man hitting his mother who, as the years went by, began to suffer from deep depression due to the violence. And because she was depressed, the vodka came into the game. She tried to forbid every hit and bruise that had been caused by her dear husband. Nothing happened, she said many times. So many times that she began to believe in her own words in the end. She denied the violence and lived in the fantasy world where everything was fine but after the old man died her behavior began to change. She ended up wandering the streets in the middle of nights and was returned to the house by cops or the ambulance staff. She became angry if somebody mentioned those accidents. She forgot things and couldn't take care of herself. That kept going on for too long, and it was seen all over from her feature that she wasn't fine. She almost burnt the house after forgetting the heat on in the oven, and that's when Jace decided that she needed help. After forcing his mother to a neurologist's consultation, she was diagnosed with Alzheimers. The specialist couldn't explain why a sixty years old woman suffered from the incurable and terminal decease. She tried to live at home with a help of home visiting nurse but after a year or two the nurse suggested that it would be best for his mother to live in a retirement home where she would be safe and taken care of. And that's where Jace ended up usually when it was holiday time.

With heavy steps he walked across the snowy parking area and stepped inside from the north side of the building. He knew where her room was. He hadn't brought any presents as he had witnessed by the look on his mother's face that seeing her child was the best gift for his mother. She still recognized him, but he had been warned about the cruelness of Alzheimer's disease. Some days he could be a completely stranger. Watching the emptiness in his mother's eyes he had become aware that he had lost his mother a long time ago, even though she still knew him.

The long hallway was empty and in the silence he would here everything. It was an afternoon and knowing the point of time it was a nappy time for the geriatric patients. A nurse walked with a hurry toward him.

"Excuse me." Jace stopped the nurse. The pager in her hand beeped. A patient waited somewhere, needing her help.

"Yes?"

"Jacelyn Tyler. Is her room still 315?" Jace asked.

"Yes. Are you a relative?" the nurse studied him.

"I'm her son. Jace Tyler."

"Okay. She's resting at the moment, but I think she'll be glad to see you." the nurse said and looked at her pager which beeped again. "I better go. But if you don't know the way—"

"I know the way. Thank you." Jace interrupted and continued his journey.

xxx

MacKenna Senior lay on the bed a newspaper fallen on the floor. The room was dim as the curtains were drawn down. He slept and the oxygen bottle helped him to breathe. Mac gently knocked on the door. MacKenna startled as he noticed a shadow by the doorway.

Hi dad." Mac said. "Did I wake you up?"

"Mac? Is that you?"

"Yeah. I came a little earlier. Had some time to take off." Mac walked further inside the room.

The older man tried to correct his position but needed help. "Son, would you help? I need to get up anyway." He sniffed the air as the scent of fresh baked gingerbread lingered in the air. A small smile appeared on his pale face. "Your mother is a charm."

Mac helped his father and waited a while as he started to cough.

"Goddamn." MacKenna breathed in heavily. His breathing rasped badly.

"Are you okay, dad?" Mac was concerned.

"Pneumonia." he replied. "This thing—" he pointed the oxygen bottle. "Follows me everywhere. The cancer…" he shook his head. "Can't go outside though. Mom's going nuts. Wants to go shop for the Christmas things."

"Yeah." Mac chuckled with his dad. "I promised to help her."

"Good, that's good." his father nodded and turned to look at Mac. "So, where's the girl who took your book in the library. A fire cracker you said she was?"

xxx

The times Jace visited her mother didn't stop him thinking of how much his poor childhood affected his life as a grown up. He had time to think a lot of things when serving the country. His relationships hadn't last long. In his twenties that hadn't really bothered him as he enjoyed being a bachelor. He only wanted a one thing from women and he felt dead when a chick or two would have wanted him to be more than a one night stand.

But some time ago, the time he had met his friend, Mac, and his girlfriend, Stella, he had begun to think about his life or the lack of it. He hadn't achieved anything what made him feel angry. He had watched the couple leaving as he had stayed in the bar. Nursing his beer and thinking of how poor his life was, he hadn't had to sit alone for a long time when a blonde, whose name he hadn't even bothered to ask, had offered her soused company and taken him to her place. He knew what she wanted, and boy did he give it to her. Both stumbling forward into the woman's studio, he didn't bother to undress her completely. After nailing the drunken blonde he had cleaned himself in the bathroom. Then, he had sneaked out of the flat and vanished into the night. The night had left him cold and empty; the familiar feelings after sleeping with drunken ladies. Love was somewhere, far away from his life. He was completely alone, and not even numbness what the vodka so easily offered helped. On the contrary, he sank further into his misery.

xxx

The days to the Christmas Eve were busy for Mac, and so was the day as well. He stopped his car at the parking area of the grocery store. He had spent the morning in the hospital with his dad as he had had the heath control. He had won the pneumonia – this time. MacKenna Senior had grinned like a winner in the lottery as he had been given permission to enjoy the Christmas time with his family. But the doctor had been concerned and advised that if he had any fever he needed to contact the emergency room as soon as possible.

He had helped his father home and left on the road as his mother had given him a list of the items she needed and hadn't left any room for Mac to complain about the list. The list was longer than he had imagined. He sighed, trying to remember everything as he didn't want another shopping trip. He watched the clock on the wall. In thirty minutes Stella's flight would arrive. Smiling, he kept walking with hurried steps, collecting the needed items. But his mind was elsewhere. He hadn't seen Stella for a long time, only talked with her on the phone. The days without her seemed to drag on forever and he couldn't deny how awfully lonely he felt in the bed at nights. The pleasure rippled in his spine as he thought about the upcoming nights with her. Her soft skin, the warmth of her body, the deep moaning when she—

"Mac!"

Mac startled and turned around rapidly hearing his own name. He watched his old friend, Jace, walking toward him.

"Jace!" Mac greeted. "I didn't know you were in town. How is it going?"

"Not bad." Jace replied. He had a terrible headache but didn't tell what had caused it. "Visiting Ma."

Mac knew about Jace's childhood and sickness of his mother. They had time to talk about everything in the army.

"How is she?"

Jace shrugged his shoulders. "The same old, I guess. She's taken care of there. A good place."

"She doesn't live home anymore?" Mac asked.

"She ain't able to." was Jace's reply. He wanted to change subject. "So, what about you? Spending the Christmas with your folks?"

Mac nodded and told him about the latest news about his father's condition and that Stella would arrive soon here as well.

"Better go." he showed the list in his hand. "Need to get this all. I should have done this yesterday but thanks to my mother she had organized my days very well…"

Jace noticed the slight annoyance in his friend's voice.

"… And I don't know if I'm going to be in time at the airport—"

"I can pick her up." Jace suggested. He didn't mind seeing Stella again and wanted to keep himself occupied. Vodka lured him to do bad things. Mac pondered about the situation and as much as he wanted to pick Stella up himself, he knew he couldn't make in time.

"Don't worry, Mac. She'll be safe." Jace comforted the pondering man. "I'm sure she understands."

Mac gave in as Jace told him that he would head right away toward O'Hare airport.

"See you at your folks' place." Jace waved his hand and left the store.

xxx

Stella stood outside the O'Hare airport. She was in Chicago for the first time and soon she was about to meet Mac's family. She was nervous, but not because of she was about to meet many new people who cared about Mac and vice versa. She was nervous about the timing. Mac had traveled to meet his family a week earlier. His father wasn't feeling well and what Mac had told about his father condition that the prognosis wasn't very good. She understood that he wanted to see him as soon as possible. She would have done the same thing if she had parents. She sighed lowering her luggage on the snowy ground. She had packed all her winter clothes. Mac hadn't been wrong in advising her to do so. The air was frozen and it had started to snow heavily. The white blanket covered the earth, lighting everything. The road would be slippery, she hunched.

While admiring the snowfall and waiting to see Mac, she heard a voice behind her.

"Hey, Stella."

She frowned. It took time for her to recognize the voice. She turned around and witnessed Jace watching her from few feet away. He tossed a butt away and walked toward her. She couldn't help but wonder if he was cold in his leather jacket and faded jeans. Beneath his boots the snow scrunched. She was dressed in a quilted jacket and a pair of winter trousers and didn't want to take off her woolly hat.

She greeted him by asking: "Don't you feel frozen to death?"

Nah, I'm used to this." Jace shrugged his shoulders, not wanting to reveal that the coldness reached into his bones. "But it's good you have yourself covered."

"Yeah, I guess I am." Stella stated simply.

"Come on, let's go." he said and without a warning lifted Stella's luggage from the ground.

"Hey!" Stella sprinted after him. "Let's go where?"

"Your boyfriend couldn't make it. But don't worry, gorgeous…" he peeked over his shoulder, grinning boyishly. "I'll play nice."

Stella rolled her eyes and muttered. "What a prince charming." Stella watched Jace sitting in the car and started the engine. "I just want to see Mac."

_You will. In time._

Then, she turned to look out from the car's window, and the minor conversation died. It was until he parked his car into an empty parking area and turned toward Stella.

"Come on, lets' go." he said only and stepped out from the vehicle. Stella was bewildered.

"Where the heck are we? You promised to—"

"Everything in time. Follow me."

"Jace!" she yelled after him. "This isn't funny!"

She had no idea where they were as she studied her surroundings. There was a huge building across the parking area, but there were no signs of suburban area. They were miles away from everything. She began to be a little worried, but she had no other choices than to follow the man. As she involuntary followed Jace she read the name of the building.

"Golden villa?" she said out loud. _A home of Mercy._

**tbc****

* * *

**Thank you for reading this part! Feedback is always welcome!:)


	9. The Frost Killing Hours Part II

**A/N: And here is the second part. Thanks for the reviews! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**9. The Frost Killing Hours**

**Part II**

December 1990. Chicago.

Jace didn't know why he acted the way he did. He could have easily driven Stella to Mac's childhood home, but he needed to visit his Ma so no harm was done as they took a little road trip to other side of the city. He barely managed hiding his smirk. The minor shock lingered on her face as she realized that they were far away from everything. Not wanting to wait in the cold car or outside the building, Stella followed him. The snow scrunched beneath their steps. They didn't walk in sync and the silence wasn't comfortable. But somehow he enjoyed every minute of her company. He easily heard her words about him being a jerk and much more, and she was right about him. He was a jerk and much more…

xxx

Jacelyn Tyler lay on the bed wearing a night dress. A blanket was on her feet, warming her. She had again changed her clothes but that didn't seem to bother her. The time and place were relevant to her. Her mind sailed in another time and place but sometimes she was drawn back to reality which caused a trouble in her thinking. On the table was a drawing. The letters were written with a shaky hand. It was a Christmas card to someone, to her son.

xxx

Stella felt dizzy because of the smell of disinfectant as they stepped inside the building. In the wide entrance was an information board of the sections. Stella watched as Jace headed toward the geriatric unit. The nurses walked with hurry steps by them. From somewhere Christmas songs played quietly. Jace stopped in front of room 315. Stella stood a few feet away from him. He knocked on the door and stepped in. Stella didn't know whether to follow him or not.

"It's okay. Come in, Stell." Jace guided her inside the room. Stella viewed the room. Her gaze stopped on the bed where an old woman slept. Jace sat beside the old woman and carefully woke the woman up. She startled a bit as she didn't recognize him.

"Hi mom." Jace greeted the woman. Her eyes were grey as was her hair as well. Her skin was soft as he touched gently her hand. "Mom. It's me. Jace."

"Jace." Jacelyn said. "Jace."

"How are you?"

"G- good." she laughed, tears falling down her cheeks. "Good. To home?"

With a sad twist in his heart, Jace lied. "Soon."

Jace noticed the card on the night table and reached out for it. "Wow, this is great. You made it yourself, mom?"

"Jacelyn touched the card and frowned. "I- I…"

"It's beautiful. Thank you. Actually, I have something you as well." Jace took a small picture from the pocket of his jacket and handed it to his mother. Jacelyn stared at the picture and the look on her face brightened up.

"Jace!"

"Yeah, that's me."

But Jacelyn didn't understand that the boy from the picture sat next to her. Jacelyn pointed the boy saying his name. Jace sighed. She didn't remember anymore who the grown up Jace was. He knew this would happen but it still ached. He was alone completely. He cleared his throat.

"You take care of little Jace, mom."

Jacelyn pressed the picture against her chest and smiled. Jace talked with his mother a few moment or so when Jace turned to look at Stella.

"I brought a friend to see you."

The woman looked at the younger woman and nodded to her.

"Hello, I'm Stella." The younger woman introduced herself. Somehow she understood that the older woman wasn't healthy.

"Jacelyn." Jace's mother said. "Hello."

She watched the empty side of her bed, and Stella made her way to the other side of the bed and sat down. "Nice to meet you."

Jacelyn handed the picture of the little boy to Stella.

"Wow, look at him!" Stella smiled, giving the picture back. "He's a cute little boy."

"That's me." Jace commented with cocky smile.

"Somehow I got it." Stella chuckled and met his gaze. "How old you were when the picture was taken?"

Jace thought. "Maybe three or four. It was taken at a small lake shore."

Stella fell into her own thoughts as Jace kept telling about the holiday time to his mother. She didn't have any pictures from her childhood. The only pictures were taken when she was in the orphanage. She hadn't watched them in a long time.

"…Stella?"

"Yeah."

"Let's go. Mom needs to rest."

Stella looked at woman who held the picture on her hands.

"O- Okay." Stella rose up. "Bye Jacelyn."

With a heavy pain in his heart Jace rose up and kissed gently the top his mother's head.

"Bye mom."

The older woman didn't look at the leaving people. Jace promised to visit soon but the woman didn't hear it. She was far away, somewhere lost in the picture. They left the room. As Jace walked past Stella she caught the glimpse of tears in the corners of Jace's eyes.

xxx

Stella didn't know what to say as they walked toward car, but she didn't have to as Jace began to talk.

"She has Alzheimers."

"I'm sorry."

Jace shrugged his shoulders and opened the doors of his car.

"Guess I am, too."

"Why?" Stella wanted to know. "It's not your fault."

"Maybe it is." Jace pondered. He told about the poor childhood he had, and Stella listened to his story.

"… I mean. If he would have been nicer to my mom and not beaten her every living minute, maybe I would have a mom who could take care of herself. She got sick because of the bastard."

"But she's alive, isn't she?" Stella commented quietly. Jace laughed coldly at her comment.

"Alive? Didn't you just see her?" If we went back right now and asked her who we are, she couldn't be able to tell our names. She can't remember her son. She doesn't remember me."

"She remembers the little boy." Stella tried.

"But I'm not a little boy anymore!" Jace started the engine. "It would be better if she—"

"You don't mean that." Stella looked out through the frosty window. "Don't say things you don't mean."

Jace drove to the main road and the air in the car began to warm but Stella felt cold.

"Tell me, Stell." Jace glanced at the woman and changed a bigger gear. "If one of your parents would be diagnosed with an incurable decease what would you think?"

"I think I would try to make them life as good as I could get." Stella swallowed. The frost on the window didn't melt.

"Yeah… What you parents do anyway?"

"My mother died when I was a kid and I have never met my dad." Stella said with a tone that killed the possible conversation. "I don't have any parents."

xxx

Mac had barely reached his childhood home and taken a shower when he saw Jace's car stopped by the pavement.

"Are they here?" Millie asked from the kitchen, putting the grocery items in the fridge. "You better ask Jace to spend the evening with us, Mac. He did a favor to you!"

In the living room, MacKenna Senior laughed quietly hearing the cursing of his son why _he_ hadn't had time to pick up his girlfriend.

xxx

"So, how was your trip?" Mac asked hugging Stella. Jace stood beside the car not really looking the hugging couple.

"Uh… It was fine." Stella replied in the crook Mac's neck. She didn't know whether to tell Mac about their little road trip the home of Mercy.

Jace kicked the ground. "I better go. It's really cold. I don't wanna catch a cold."

"Thanks Jace." Mac stated as he lifted Stella's luggage from the ground. "If you don't have any plans for tonight stop by."

Jace nodded to Mac's words and disappeared into his car.

Mac paid his attention to Stella who stood next to him very much frozen. He kissed her deeply and whispered against her lips: "I've missed you."

"So much you send your friend to pick me up?" Stella pulled away her green eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Blame it on my mother." Mac said half seriously and told her about the happenings earlier.

"But it's good that your dad is okay." Stella smiled, touching Mac's face. "I've missed you, too. Very much."

Their lips were lazy molding against each other, knowing how one felt against another.

"How much?" he groaned against her mouth.

"You'll find out."

Stella pulled away and left the yearning man standing in the snow fall.

xxx

Stella was bewildered about how warmly Mac's parents and his sister with her family welcomed her. They arrived soon after she and Mac had stepped inside his parents' house. Mac's sister, Melanie, was two years older than Mac and married with Thomas Keller, who worked as a defense attorney in Chicago. Their two toddlers, Mac's nephews, Rick and Ralph, kept their grandmother busy. MacKenna sat in an easy chair satisfied that they all were there. Now and then, Thomas ordered the boys to behave better as they were more keen running around the kitchen and living room area than sitting on a sofa.

"Sometimes they drive me crazy." Melanie muttered watching the chaos around her. She noticed how tired the boys began to be. She had learnt it was better for the toddlers to spend the afternoon sleeping few hours. MacKenna muttered something about her being very much alike her sons. Melanie rolled her eyes before closing Rick in her arms. Thomas took the other son in his arms.

"Sleepy time, kiddo." He said and vanished into Mel's old room. Melanie followed her husband carrying the slightly irritated boy in her arms.

"What about you, Mac?" Stella asked from Mac. "What kind of a child you were?"

Mac didn't have the opportunity to give his answer for Millie appeared from the kitchen. "If Mel liked spending the days outside running and getting into trouble, uh, perhaps more than often, I say, this young man" she placed her hand on Mac's shoulder "spent his days reading."

"Now that's partly true what you say, Millie." MacKenna spoke. "But he liked the fishing trips we took. Millie? Will you pass me the photo album about our trips?"

"Dad, thanks." Mac muttered with a slight embarrassment on his face. Stella thanked Millie and began to flip through the pages full of pictures of Mac's childhood.

xxx

"So, what about you, Stella?" Millie asked after Stella placed the photo album on the living room table. "Have you siblings?"

Mac felt how Stella tensed a bit beside him. "Uh, no. I'm the only one."

MacKenna noticed that and met the eyes of his son and began tentatively. "If I have understood, what Mac had told about you, that your parents died when you were a child?"

"My mother died when I was a little girl." Stella agreed. "But I… I actually don't know my father. Never met him."

"How did your mother passed away? If I may ask."

"She died in the car accident. I was saved, but…" Stella cleared her throat. She had been through this many times in the therapy. Those nightmares she had about the cliff were true. That really happened. As a child she had witnessed her mother dying, and it had left her suffering from the post traumatic stress disorder and at the age of teenager she had began to see the nightmares. Her mind tried to work the horror she had seen but as the shock had been too much for a small child she had locked the imagines somewhere deep, the therapist had said. No, she wasn't losing her mind about what she was relieved. "…they, I believe the paramedics, didn't have time to save my mother after they pulled me out of the car."

"Damn girl. "MacKenna breathed. "I'm sorry for what you've been through."

"The next thing I remembered was that I was in the orphanage." Stella ended. "I grew up there."

"Oh you poor child." Millie wiped her moist eyes.

Stella shook her head, not accepting any pity. "Please don't. I've accepted it, so there's no need to feel sorry for me. Everything happens for a reason, I want to believe that. I think we all have our pasts. The orphanage wasn't the best place for a child, but I think I've turned out okay."

"Okay?" Mac took her hand in his and said with a quiet voice."Better than okay."

"Ooh, my brother's a softy!" Melanie appeared at the threshold. "You have a good influence on him, Stella."

They all seemed to agree on that.

xxx

It was dark when Jace parked his car beside the pavement and ran across the street. The street was quiet. The families were spending the Christmas Eve together and it had felt good that Mac had invited him to spend the evening with his family. Otherwise he would have been tempted to nurse the vodka he had bought. Before he stepped into the garden area he lightened a cigarette and inhaled deeply. He tossed the putt away and made his way toward the main door of the house.

"Merry Christmas!" Mac opened the door before he knocked on the door.

"Thanks for inviting me." Jace shook hands with his friend. He stepped inside the house of Mac's parents and was welcomed with the delicious smell of Christmas. Mac's family, his parents and his sister with her family, sat in the living room chatting and laughing.

"Hello Jace." Mac's mother greeted the man. "Nice to see you."

"Good to be here." Jace smiled at the woman. She was always so nice. He sat among Mac's family.

"Hi Jace." Stella greeted as she walked beside Mac who was close to the fire place. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Stell." He smiled, studying her appearance. She didn't look so sad anymore. It had been a mistake to ask about her parents. If he had known… But the damage was done and he needed to say sorry. He hadn't wanted to hurt her.

"I think the dinner is ready." Millie informed.

The people rose up as the words had been said, the toddlers carried by their parents. As the group of hungry people made their way into the kitchen, Mac headed to help his father. Jace and Stella were left together. Jace stepped closer toward the fireplace unsure about what to say. Stella stood her arms crossed, staring dreamily at the flames. The room swam in the warm light. The Christmas tree stood in the corner of the room decorated by the Mac's nephews with a little help of them all. It was so warm and cozy. The fire cracked in the fire place.

"Look… I'm sorry about what I said. I didn't mean to be so harsh."

Stella interrupted him. "Don't be. How could you have known?"

"Are you good?" Jace studied her face.

"Yeah." Stella kept staring at the fireplace. "You don't need to have a blood relative to have a family. A family forms from so many things, I think."

"So you don't feel an outsider here?"

Jace wasn't sure if tears glimmered in her eyes.

The low conversation carried from the kitchen. The others had started already the Christmas dinner. The silence fell around the two as they listened to the conversation. She looked at the green eyed man, who stood at the other side of the fire place leaning against the brick wall, and was captured by the faint scar he had on his face.

"Does it hurt?"

"This?" Jace asked pointing the scar. Stella nodded. Jace traveled his finger back and worth along the scar and shook his head hesitatingly. "No."

Stella stepped closer.

"You wouldn't lie to me?"

He didn't miss the effect of how the words were said. Emotions coiled on his stomach. "Never."

She looked up at Jace as he was five inches taller than she. "It's nice that you came. It means a lot."

_To whom?_ He didn't dare to ask as he watched Stella's face and how the flames reflected on her skin and how her caramel curly hair fell along her shoulders. "He's like a brother to me."

The words hung between them.

"We better go." Stella took few steps away from him. "It's a _family_ dinner, after all."

xxx

The day had been exhausting. Mac's nephews had fallen asleep after the presents had been given. Soon, Mel's family said goodbyes and left the house. Jace followed them with the same door opening and helped the leaving family carrying all the presents into their car. Millie and MacKenna wished good night as well and vanished into their bedroom.

"You wanna take a walk or what?" Mac asked Stella as they watched the embers left in the fire place. Stella moved closer to Mac on the couch, placing her hand on his thigh.

"I would like to show how much I missed you."

She didn't need to say anything else as Mac reached for her hand and pulled her along with him toward his bedroom.

xxx

Stella rested her head on the pillow. A sheer blanket covered her body. The bed was narrow, but offered just enough space. In the darkness, Mac adjusted on the bed and the bed squeaked by his weight. Otherwise it was a silent night. He came next to her and put his open mouth by her ear and one hand slid on her waist.

"Merry Christmas."

She exhaled and turned to face him. The heat and pressure in the moment surrounded them. It crawled on their skins, making everything pulse. It had been a while.

"Merry Christmas."

She leaned in against him, kissed him. His mouth was a slow pleasure against her mouth. His erection poked against her thighs. She reached to touch him.

"Wait." Mac whispered between the kisses and pulled away a bit. "I have something for you."

"Really?" she murmured.

"Well, that too, but…" Mac laughed deeply against her collar bone before he turned around. He reached something from the bedside drawer. He clicked on the night table light.

"Mac?"

Her voice was uncertain as she felt the light weight of a jewelry box on her palm.

"It's for you." Mac said his voice low. "Open it."

Stella rose up into a sitting position. Her hands trembled, but she didn't have to ask him to help her when he put his hands over hers.

"Let me."

Stella witnessed as Mac opened the box.

"Oh, it's beautiful!" Stella admired the silver, rectangular pendant that read, simply, s'agapo.

He helped the slate necklace to rest around her neck and kissed the crook of her neck. "S'agapo."

From where he had learnt the meaning of the Greek word, she didn't know. But she knew that she felt the same way.

"S'agapo." Stella whispered and pushed the man into a lying position and fell along beside him. "I will always keep this, Mac. Close to my heart. I love you, too."

He put his knee between her legs, forcing them gently apart. He had his arms next to hers on the bed, capturing her. His erection brushed against her, and then slid inside of her. He breathed in and out, slowly, just being completely still. He slid deeper, stayed there, and moved against her, with her. She wrapped her arms around him. He thrust, never pulling out and she held on and pushed back, making him break and falter.

"Stell…"

The edge was so near. He panted, his heavy breathing hitting her skin. She was full and the weight of his body burnt her muscles. The light exploded behind her eyelids, and she made a wordless sound. He rocked them together and didn't stop until he began to see stars.

Or snowflakes.

He couldn't tell as the light flashed behind his eyelids as the shine behind them took a hold of him. He felt her muscles convulsed. He came right after her, his teeth scraping her skin. He held her against the mattress until their rapid heartbeats became steady.

She moved and he made a sound of protest, only letting her settle on her side. He came up behind her and snaked his arm around her after covering their bodies with a blanket. Beneath the warm, sleep reached them. Before his eyes closed he witnessed through his eyelids how the snowflakes slowly danced outside the window. Smiling, he snuggled closer to Stella even if that was possible and fell asleep himself, too.

**tbc**

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**Thanks for reading this part. Feedback is always welcome. **


	10. The Origin of The Turning Point

**A/N: Thank you again for the feedback! A bad language warning! Lily, thank you for reading this piece. Mistakes are all mine. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**10. The Origin of The Turning Point**

The 20th of July, NYC

Mac's mind was blurry and heavy, and he didn't know what had startled him awake. He groaned heavily trying to figure out what time it was, blinking, in the darkness of his bedroom. He hadn't slept so deeply in ages. Sheets tangled with his feet, he turned his head. The clock on the bedside table flashed that it was four o'clock in the morning. Too early to wake up, he thought satisfied. The room would suffuse in the darkness an hour or so as the city slowly turned toward a new dawn. He didn't mind the slowness of the time. Drifting between awareness and tranquility, his eyes were half closed.

Snowflakes in his dream were gone in the split of a second.

He could still recall though.

xxx

A green eyed man lay on the bed watching the woman collecting her things from the floor. She tried to avoid stepping over the empty beer bottles on the floor. She looked cheap in the musty room.

"Guess I'll go," she said with a raspy voice after somehow getting her clothes on.

The man didn't bother to reply. He smoked a cigarette and inhaled deeply, closing his eyes recalling the foggy night. He never had any difficulties hitting on women. The scar he had over his eyebrow was a chick magnet and he kept his body in a good shape. He was a good looking guy with army-style chopped hair. Many women didn't mind seeing the golden band in his left hand, and that chain hadn't stopped him either.

The low hammering in his head reminded him of the amount of alcohol he had consumed. The door closed after the woman sneaked out and the man was left alone in the room. He rose into a sitting position and stared at the narrow light that escaped between the curtains covering the dirty window. There was no view from the cheap and lousy room. The skyscrapers hid the petty hotel in shadows. No one knew he was in town. Sweat ran along his back, and he cursed the heat that swam over the city. He regretted for not paying for the air conditioning. He stumped the cigarette carefully in the ash tray, rose up and reached for his jeans. He pulled out the piece of paper he had kept over the years and read it.

He had imprinted the letters so well that he didn't need to see it really. The letter hadn't been for him, but he hadn't really cared about that as it had been the turning point in his life. He traveled his finger on the handwriting over and over again, memorizing the woman who had written the letter. He breathed through his nostrils as he felt the tight pressure inside his chest. She had no right leaving him. She had promised to love him for better and worse. She had promised to love _him_. Only _him_. But as he watched the letter in his hand he knew better. She had never truly loved him. He had felt how she flinched when he touched her, how she hid her gaze. He wasn't stupid. He would get his pay-back soon. He would teach her a lesson or two, he thought bitterly, and no one could catch him. He was good at hiding. He put the letter aside and viewed over the room. Seeing a pair of silky panties on the bed, he smirked. _Clever girl. He_ took them in his hand and walked to the door and opened it. The woman who had left the room a moment before waited in the hallway leaning against the wall.

"I thought you'd never notice them," she drawled and walked toward the man. She traveled her hand from his chest downwards. He shuddered as he felt the woman's fingers wrapped around him. She stroked him a few times.

"Fuck…" he hissed as the pleasure spread all over his body.

"Yeah…" The woman leaned closer pushing the man inside the room. "Let's."

xxx

The next time Mac woke up he felt anything but relaxed. All that he listened to the night earlier came right in his mind.

_Hi baby girl… I love you.. You anxious to get home? Yeah, a new home… Guess what? You get an own room… Just like in Seattle. I know you love it. It's really pretty… Soon, baby… No, it's just me and you. Mommy loves you. Say hi to Eli... Love you._

The words haunted Mac's mind. He recalled the softness and love in Stella's voice he had heard twelve hours earlier. The words were spoken to a little girl. Stella had a child. But why his inside burnt like hot fire flames, he couldn't tell. He felt restless. People had children, that wasn't anything new. At some level he had expected her to tell him about her child. But why? They were strangers to each other nowadays. Why would she have told him about the girl? After all, she hadn't been interested in leaving any messages when she left.

Now as the sun peeked through the blinds, Mac sipped the last drops of his coffee and headed to work. He had time to think while driving. He couldn't forget the scar on Stella's tanned skin. He didn't believe any words on the junkie theory. Someone, maybe her ex husband, must have hurt her badly. The bile rose up in his throat.

"_You weren't in the hospital several times because of the job."_

"_You have no right…"_

"_What happened?"_

_The silence._

"_What did he do?"_

He pondered about calling Stella but she was pretty shut down in the locker room and she wouldn't have spoken with him about her life. It didn't feel good to see her so vulnerable. After entering his office, Mac looked for the folder that held the needed information. He wrote down Jill's name and a phone number and alerted Detective Don Flack, who was in a crime scene with Danny Messer, to trace any address of hers.

"_Jill Cameron? Is she linked to a case?"_ The younger detective asked quietly.

"No," Mac replied and after a pause he continued. "This is personal, and I would prefer if you didn't say a word to anyone. Call me with any information you get. Thank you."

After ending the call with Don, Mac dialed Jill's number but no one answered. He didn't leave any message. He opened his laptop as he needed to check his email. As he clicked to open a new site online he accidentally entered the site that had been visited the day earlier. He frowned. He hadn't booked any flights. At that time of the day he had been stuck in the traffic. He witnessed Lindsay walking in the hallway and hurried after her.

"Hey Mac," she greeted him.

"I need to ask you something," Mac said as they walk into the lab.

"Sure." Lindsay put on the lab coat. "What can I do for you?"

"You worked yesterday."

Whether that was a statement or a question, Lindsay couldn't tell.

"Yeah, I started my shift about eight o'clock in the morning."

"Did you see anyone in my office?" Mac asked. Lindsay didn't need to say anything as the answer was clear in her face.

"Who was it?"

Lindsay bit her lower lip and hesitated; she didn't want rat on Stella but it was her boss asking.

"Uh… " she started. "Uh… When I got to work I saw Stella in your office. She watched all the photos—" she took a pause. "She kept staring the one you have on the desk."

Mac got a little paler, but recovered well. "Claire."

"Yeah…" Lindsay stated. Mac hadn't told Lindsay about Claire, but she knew who the person was. _Everyone knew,_ Lindsay thought quietly, _except Stella who seemed to be very—_

"Lindsay, did you see her doing anything?"

Lindsay thought. "No. She just watched the photos. That's all."

"You saw her using my laptop?"

"Uh… I can't say for sure what she did before I saw her but in my presence she didn't. We left together to have coffee. The next time I walked by your office you'd arrived there."

Mac thanked her and turned around.

"Am I in trouble?" Lindsay asked quietly. Mac peeked over his shoulder and gave a rare, comforting smile. "No, you aren't."

Mac made his way back to his office and stared at the site. Lost in his thoughts he was drawn back to the reality as he got a call from Flack. It hadn't taken long to trace Jill Cameron's address.

"In Oregon?" Mac said, puzzled. "Doesn't she have an address here in New York? I know she lived here. Some time ago."

"_She used to live here, you've got that correct."_

Mac didn't tell how he knew that.

"_But not anymore."_ The detective informed him. _"She moved to Portland some time ago. It's close to the National Park of Mt. Hood."_

"Okay, what else?" Mac wanted to know. "You have an address?"

The detective told him.

"Okay, thank you. Send it all to my phone." Mac ended the call. Then, he snatched up his car keys and left the office.

xxx

Danny walked toward the lab with a pile of papers in his arms. He had got back from the crime scene. While reaching for his cell phone that chirped he almost bumped into Mac who came into his vision around the corner of the office.

"Goddamn," escaped Danny's lips as the pile fell all over the floor, papers floating around him.

"Sorry." Mac avoided stepping in the papers as he continued his journey with hurried steps.

"No need to help." Danny cursed under his breath and kneeled to pick up the papers. While gathering the papers he hadn't paid attention that there was someone watching him.

"Need any help?" The words cut across his actions. He gazed up at Lindsay who chewed her lower lip.

"I'm covered." Danny continued being very aware of her presence.

He hadn't called her back after the session with the psychologist had ended. He didn't know what to say to her as she probably waited for some kind of explanation for why he hadn't been in touch with her. They had had a good time together.

"I haven't seen you around," she said quietly.

"Been busy."

Yeah?" Lindsay asked sharply.

Danny rose up from floor all papers gathered in his arms.

"Extremely."

Watching straight into his eyes, trying to figure out if he lied or not, Lindsay hummed at his words. "Got it."

Without saying anything Danny witnessed Lindsay walking into the lab back to her place. For a moment she stood at her place, sighing heavily, pushing few strands of her hair back to her ears, and continued her work. Danny followed her in the same room. He lowered the papers on a stand and pursed his lips.

"It isn't a busy day for a coffee though."

Lindsay stopped her doing, gazing the man across the board. Not knowing what went on his head she shook her head with a tormented frustration which turned into a shy smile.

"Depends. Are you buying?"

xxx

The chief of Detectives, Brigham Sinclair was about to enter a room where a meeting would be held. He heard loud voices that predicted a very heated conversation. He sighed heavily. Before he could enter the room, his cell phone rang. He hadn't remembered to turn it off.

"Sinclair." He replied before the phone rang for the third time.

"_It's Mac Taylor_." The man said. _"Can I have a word?"_

Sinclair heard the announcement of the departing flights in the background.

"Quickly. I'm on my way into a meeting." He made room for the passing group.

"_I'm taking a few days off,"_ Mac informed him. He didn't ask permission. _"Maybe three or four days. I'm not sure yet."_

"Is it work related?"

"_No."_

Sinclair didn't dare to ask if was because of Claire. Mac Taylor hadn't kept any vacation since his wife died. He sighed heavily for the second time and gave his permission to the head of the crime scene unit to be gone. Maybe three or four days.

"So, it's Detective Bonasera in charge during the time you're gone?"

"_I think so." _

"When are you leaving? Have you informed Detective Bonasera yet?"

"_My flight takes off soon, so I don't have time."_ Mac explained.

Sinclair agreed to call her. They ended the call very soon, and as he turned around and began his journey to the CSIs' department he realized that Mac hadn't replied to his question about his destination.

xxx

Stella watched the room that she had organized for Vera. Her mind was heavy because of the moment with Mac in the locker room. It ached to recall the moment when she felt his fingers following the scar. She didn't know why she froze in her place as it would have been really easy to step away from his presence. His touch was gentle just how she had recalled. She savored his touch, but couldn't be thinking about how the scar looked on her skin. It didn't ache though. She couldn't remember how she got it as the only thing she remembered was the terrible pain in her head before she fell on the floor in their apartment in Seattle. Shakily, she touched another one on her skull.

She heard the sound of her cell phone from the living room and turned around from the threshold. It rang few times and ended before she reached it. She looked at the caller and wondered about the person who wanted to talk with her. She had met Sinclair once or twice when she had applied for the job. She would call him after she had made another call across the country.

xxx

Cole Emerson sat in his living room watching the local news. He nursed a bottle of beer and felt a little relaxed after running. He was a satisfied man after eating a pizza with extra cheese. As he flipped through the channels after the news ended he heard the sound of his cell phone. It lay on the table beside the sofa and he only had to reach over the seat.

"Cole." he replied shortly.

"_Cole, it's Stella. How are you?"_

Cole wasn't surprised to hear her voice. He had expected her call after sending the information about her ex-husband.

"Good." He placed the beer bottle on the table. "Guess you got the information."

"_Thank you."_

"Hey, that's what ex partners are for." Cole said warmly. "Are you okay?"

"_Yeah, everything's okay. Vera moves here soon, so…"_

"… So that's good news, then." Cole replied and pondered about whether to say about the call he got from her boss, Mac Taylor. He didn't have to speak about it as Stella asked about him.

"_Guess you got a call from my boss."_

"He called and asked about you. I told him some stuff, but nothing about Vera."

_Good, that's good."_ He heard the woman's reply.

"He was really interested in knowing about your ex hubby."

"_Yeah?"_

"I kept my mouth shut. Ain't my business to speak about him."

"_Thank you. Again."_

"Like I said before, still watching your back, Stella. Give me a call if that son of a bitch causes trouble for you. I know some guys who could—"

"_Cole. Thank you, but I don't think that necessary. I haven't seen him so I hope he's understood to stay out of my life-" _she took a pause before continuing_ "-it's still a coincidence though that he is here in the city."_

"Just be careful, will you? I don't want anything bad happening to you."

She promised to take care of herself. _"So, tell me about your new partner?"_

xxx

Sinclair expression was stoic as he stepped in the elevator and pressed the 35th floor. His was annoyed his call wasn't replied as soon as possible. Once his ride reached the floor he stepped from the elevator and headed toward Mac's office. The door was closed but not locked. He stepped in and sat on the sofa and dialed the number of Stella Bonaseras's cell phone. But he didn't have time to make the call as his phone rang.

"Sinclair."

"_Hello this is Stella Bonasera."_ The woman introduced herself. _"You called me."_

"Yes." He said roughly and began to explain the situation. He walked across the room, viewing the city from the window. The woman went oddly quiet at the other end of the call.

"Hello?"

"_Uh… Yes. I'm on my way to the office. I'll see you there." _

Then, Sinclair heard the familiar click and the call was ended. Cursing, he sat down again.

xxx

Mac pressed his head against the soft cushion of his seat and tried to ignore the unpleasant sensation. Through the flying time they had faced turbulence and it began to be too much. The safety belt signs turned on. It had been a long day, felt even longer in the cabin. Sitting on the window seat, Mac turned his head to right and watched as the plane finally dived into the gray mass of the dark clouds. The landing had begun. The plane hit heavier turbulence and water drops shattered against the plane's surface. The lighting stroke, lighting all for a second and then it was dark again. As much as he tried to avoid it, the awful sensation whirled in his stomach. He felt uncomfortable as there would be nothing he could do if something happened. Absolutely nothing. He hated the feeling. His mind rambled from the possibilities of the lighting striking the plane to Claire. Sometimes, he was haunted by the darkness of the last moments of her life. Basically, he knew exactly what had happened, but he would never know her thoughts or prayers when the plane hit the tower. It had been a devastating day when he had realized that she had been on that plane and had no chances to survive.

Finally, the plane lowered from the heaviness of the clouds. The heavy rain whipped the plane and it was hard to see anything from the small window. He gave in and settled better in his seat. The crew searched their seats after the captain's information about the coming landing. The jumbo circled heavily to left, and the lights went off. He watched from the small display attached on the back rest of the next seat how the runway appeared in his vision. The plane sailed like the wind for the touchdown on the wet asphalt. It hit the ground and bumped a bit before the brakes slowed the velocity.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Portland. The weather here is…"

Mac listened to captain's talk about the weather. It promised heavy rain. After the safely belt signs died, the travelers rushed on the aisle. Waiting a moment or two, he rose up from his seat and took his small piece of luggage from the hand box above his seat. He had had just enough time to shop for a few clothes for his trip at JFK.

A little while later, driving the rented, black SUV in the pouring rain he headed toward Mt. Hood's national forest, instructed by the sat nav. The windshield wipers cleared the vision, but the wet asphalt sucked all the light in the downpour as the night began to fall. Gazing at the time on the dashboard, he knew he would arrive at Jill's cottage very late. He controlled his urge to speed up a bit. Instead, calmly, he kept his gaze on the road and headed toward the turning point.

**tbc **

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**Thank you for reading this chapter. Feedback is welcome!**


	11. Running Up The Hill

**A/N: Hello! I'm so sorry the delay, and I really mean it. This was difficult to write in many ways, but I'm so happy that it's completed. Future chapters are written, so that's something positive, I think. Thank you for the feedback. Lily, thank you for reading this piece. Mistakes are all mine.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**11. Running Up The Hill**

New York City

_19__th__ of November 1991_

_My Dear,_

_I said goodbye to you today. It has rained all day, and it's still raining. The drops hammer onto the roof with a steady bang. It's calming, yet uncomfortable. I should put myself into bed, but I know I can't sleep. I'm thinking about you. There are no words to describe what I have lost. A friend. A husband. The father of our children. You were the person who changed my life. You showed me the strength within me. You taught me to be a better woman and a mother. You were my guide, and I don't know how to go on, who will lead me. __It is hard to live without you. You are still in my heart, in my dreams. Every time I close my eyes, you are with me. You were taken away from me too soon._

_…_

_I prayed for God to save you, but I guess He didn't hear me for you are somewhere so far away. I hope there is someone with you. You were loved, Bill. Your spirit was with me today and I miss you. So much. And I love you even now you are gone. I love you. I will always love you. _

A woman put down the pen and sighed heavily before closing the covers of her notebook. She rose up and watched herself from the mirror. She didn't like what she saw.

A widow.

xxx

The heavy rain hammered the city with its cold breath of air from the north. Through the window of her small bedroom, Stella witnessed a couple walking with hurrying steps, at the mercy of the weather. She crossed her arms with a tired sigh. It looked like the couple was arguing – once again. She saw by the unsteady steps that the woman was drunk, followed by the man who shared the same condition. They were soaked by the freezing downpour but that didn't seem to bother them. They stopped in the middle of a street yelling at each other before walking in different directions. She had witnessed them acting so from the first day moved into the new suburban area from the dormitory of the police academy, and that was two months ago. Sometimes, very rarely, she had seen the couple walking with peace. They looked happy, content with their lives. But watching them arguing, intoxicated by alcohol, she knew better.

L'amour is a tricky thing.

xxx

On the other side of the town, in a white, large house with a garden withering away, a woman lay on the bed heaviness pressed along her features. She was another sleepless person in the city. If she had seen what Stella witnessed she would have been angry with the arguing couple. Spending hours beside her dear husband in the hospital, witnessing the sickness withering his body, giving in slowly until there were only the short breaths of him leaving this life, the woman couldn't understand why people spent so many moments hating and arguing. So many small things became golden and important when facing death.

_Dear beloved. We are gathered here to say farewell to a husband and father, Bill Cameron, and to commit him into hands of God. _

The house felt empty without him.

_In the Name of God, the merciful Father, we commit the body of Bill Cameron to the peace of the grave._

Listening to the steady rhythm of the rain, the woman rolled on her side watching the other side of the bed. She reached to touch the cold, cotton sheet, pressing her palm against the fabric. The times she was cold she sneaked closer to her husband, loving the warmth of his body. She slied her fingers down the sheet, praying to have him beside her breathing and living. She couldn't hold back the sob, tears rolling down her cheek. She missed him so much.

_The priest let three handfuls of earth fall onto the coffin, saying: "From dust you came, to dust you shall return. Jesus Christ, is the resurrection and the life._

He used to go downstairs, in the kitchen, to have a midnight snack, and she had the bad habit to nag about that. She laughed sadly, and tears continued falling. She didn't bother to wipe them away. Soon, her pillow felt moist against her skin. She tossed it on the floor. She moved on the other side of the bed and pressed her head against the pillow of her husband, trying to steady her breathing.

_Lord God, our Father in heaven, Lord God, the Son, and Saviour of the world, Lord God, the Holy Spirit, have mercy on us. At the moment of death, and on the last day, save us, merciful and gracious Lord God._

Sometimes it ached so badly she couldn't breathe. She felt like her heart was ripped away, the blood that ran in her veins was colder than snow. Her mind was darker than the ocean beneath the crumbling sky. Still, she needed to go on without him.

_Amen._

xxx

The street was empty again. The cars were parked, the trees half naked, the dead leaves fallen on the wet asphalt. It was a depressing, uncomfortable view. The steady sound of water played its epilogue. Her eyes were red because of crying and the headache didn't make her feel better. She coughed and the soreness in her throat told her that she should have been beneath the warm blanket, resting and sleeping.

But sleeping was overrated.

The pain in her heart was almost unbearable.

There was so much going on in her head. She didn't know whether to be thankful or not to the saviors who had pulled her out of the car at the accident where her mother had died. She burst into tears as she thought about it.

Had her mother suffered?

Had she seen how her child was saved just before the car fell of the cliff?

Why they saved her and not her mother?

Why she was left alone in the world?

Her mother had screamed, that was for sure or was it. She couldn't tell anymore what was true or her imagination.

Stella cursed the therapy sessions into the lowest place. The more she thought about the accident the more she felt confused and troubled; she would never find out the truth of what happened. She wanted to have peace.

She heard the sound of her phone. She didn't bother to move anywhere and let the phone ring. She pressed her forehead against the cold window and winced. It was so cold, she breathed. Watching how the raindrops fell along the window she traced them down with her slender fingers. The uncomfortable feeling of the coldness consumed her and she finally turned around and got back into bed.

She had done what the therapist had advised; looking for the place where her mother had buried. She wanted to face the truth.

Tomorrow would be the day.

Tomorrow…

From the distance, in the living room, her phone rang long. With a heavy sigh she thought about picking up the call, but the overwhelming exhaustion won her over. She pulled up the blanket and pressed her head against the pillow, hoping to be given some rest.

xxx

Mac put down the weights. His muscles screamed, adrenaline rushing in his veins as he wiped his forehead with a towel. He felt frustrated as the exhausting work out in the precinct's gym didn't help the uneasy feeling he had. Stella was on his mind almost all the time since she hadn't replied to his calls. The days she went to therapy made him uneasy because she had the bad habit of shutting down into her own thoughts. He knew the feeling. He wasn't a talker himself. Leaving the gym and heading into the shower Mac greeted a few police officers who stepped toward the gym area. They talked a moment before agreeing to meet in a bar in a few hours. It was close to Mac's place, so he had enough time to change clothes, grab some food and visit Stella.

xxx

It took way too long for Stella to open the door, Mac thought as he waited in the hallway after knocking the door. She was probably sleeping at the time of the night, but he was concerned about her.

"Hey."

Stella's voice was small as she opened the door. She looked miserable at the door frame.

"Hey."

Mac stepped inside the darkness. She hadn't bothered to open the curtains. He followed Stella into the bedroom where she curled herself up on the bed, a thick comforter drawn over her. She sneezed and coughed. He sat down beside her and touched her forehead.

"You're burning hot, Stella," he said with a concern voice.

"Hmm.. I just don't feel good, Mac."

"Have you eaten anything?"

"No."

"Drink?"

"No."

After hearing her admission that she was not taking care of herself, he stood up and headed for the kitchen. He poured a glass of water and reappeared into her bedroom.

"Here." he offered the glass to Stella and waited so long she had no other choice than to drink the liquid. "Drink it."

By the look on her face she protested but he didn't care. He should have come earlier and cursed under his breath.

"Don't get me wrong, baby, but—"

"I know I look awful." Stella whined falling into the bed right away after finishing the glass of water. Mac touched her cold hand and leaned to kiss her cheek.

"I wasn't going to say that."

"Oh."

"I called you." Mac said a little hurt. _Many times._

"I know," Stella said, muffled. Tears began to fall.

"Why don't you let me help you?

That was the question she had pondered a lot. She couldn't say any reasons why she had shut him out lately.

"Christ, Stella," Mac said frustrated. "Don't do this to us."

"Don't do what?" she said her mind spinning.

"Be so goddamn alone when we are together!" Mac rose up and ended up staring out of the window. "You don't answer when I call. You don't—"

"I can take care of myself, Mac. I don't need help. I never had…"

There again came the difference. She had used to do everything alone and he had always had a family that supported him. How could he have understood her?

"But I'm still here," Mac mumbled lying beside her on the bed.

The overwhelming tiredness won her over, and soon she was asleep. Mac watching, and thinking how slowly the night went, but the new day didn't bring any lightness as he noticed Stella's absence when he woke up, startled, and very late for work.

xxx

After the sky broke down with a heavy rain the woman placed the roses on the cold ground. She wiped away her tears, whispering how much she still missed and loved him. Her prayers didn't bring him back which was something she believed she couldn't ever accept. The downpour drowned her unsteady voice when she said goodbye to her late husband. She took an umbrella and began to walk down the path back to her car. Watching the rain she didn't see anybody, until a figure appeared into her vision as she stepped along the path. She had an umbrella so that offered some shelter, but the other didn't have a one. Walking the gritty path toward the woman, she spoke carefully not wanting to offend her.

"Don't get cold in this horrible weather."

It took time for the soaking woman to say anything. It was like she noticed the rain didn't hammer her body anymore when she glanced up the older woman who held an umbrella sheltering them. Her smile was small as she waited her to say something.

"I… " Stella started but didn't end her sentence as she began to cough badly. She was pale, too pale. The woman noticed right away that she didn't feel good.

"I think you have a cold already," the older woman muttered studying her appearance.

"It's just flu," she heard her saying as she rose up from the bench. Her soaked hair glued against her face and she swayed a little almost like she was about to faint. The older woman was beside her and prevented her falling just in time but dropped the umbrella on the ground. She didn't seem to care about the rain as she was concerned about her condition. She was a doctor and could tell that she didn't suffer from _just flu_. She put her palm against her forehead and her forehead was burning hot. She would bet her life savings that the younger woman had pneumonia. She glanced around her but didn't see any helpers, but that didn't stop her helping the other woman.

"My dear what's your name?"

"Stella." she said her voice raspy.

"Hi Stella. I'm Jill." the older woman stated and continued saying that she would help her.

Surprisingly, Stella didn't protest. Jill's hold was strong as she helped Stella to stand. When her knees almost buckled, she reached for her, steadying her until the ground stopped tilting. Slowly, they made their way toward Jill's car as Stella accepted the kindness of a stranger.

xxx

Stella couldn't remember when she had slept so well. Still very much ill and feverish she slowly opened her eyes carefully yet trying to recall how on earth she ended up beneath the warm and heavy blanket. She blinked in the dim room and understood that she wasn't home. Coughing, she hauled herself into a sitting position and regretted her actions right away. She felt cold and pulled the blanket around her with heavy breathing. She didn't have time to do anything else as she heard a gentle knock on the door.

"I thought you might be awake," she noticed the smile of an older woman who came closer to the bed.

Stella listened to the explanations of who she was and where they were.

"Here." Jill handed her few pills.

"What are those?" Stella rasped not taking the given medicine.

"A painkiller and antibiotics."

"I'm not taking those," Stella protested, but Jill was ready.

"Here's my doctor license and identification card. I'm not trying to poison you. Any allergies?"

Stella shook her head.

"Then take these."

As Stella didn't do anything, Jill stated simply that there was always the chance for her to call ambulance and send her to a hospital.

Frustrated, Stella took the bills with a sip of water. She wasn't good at trusting the people she didn't know.

"Good." Jill nodded.

"Are you always so kind toward strangers?" Stella asked putting the glass of water on the bedside table.

"Only when they sit in the downpour freezing and are suffering a severe sickness," Jill said the words a little too harshly and realized when she softened her voice, continuing, "I listened to the condition of your lungs and young lady I have to say that if you weren't in such good health otherwise… Not all are so lucky as you were."

Stella swallowed. "I'm sorry. I just thought I had flu."

"You probably _had_ flu but because you haven't taken care of yourself the sickness has developed into pneumonia, not helped by that exposure to the coldness…"

Tears formed in the eyes of the younger woman as she shook her head her hair falling along her shoulders. She couldn't tell why she had acted the way she had. All she had felt was the heavy tiredness reaching into her every bone and cell.

"I'm sorry for all the trouble."

Jill watched the fight of the younger woman and sat beside her on the bed, tapping gently her hand which was cold. Somehow she needed to reassure her that she wasn't trouble for anyhow even though she knew very little about the curly haired woman.

"May I ask what you were doing at the cemetery in such horrible weather?"

Stella was silent for a while and her eyes closed as she replied. "My mother."

She ached for the loss of the younger woman as it reminded her of the pain she felt.

"I'm sorry my dear."

As Stella recalled the place where she had met Jill she guessed that people didn't walk in cemetery without any reasons. She had lost someone close, too. By watching Jill's tearful eyes, she was right. She gently touched the older woman's hand and said: "I'm sorry, too."

xxx

A few days later, Mac still hadn't got any calls from Stella. He was worried sick about her as she was clearly sick. She had been gone before he had woken up and left no messages about where she had gone. He had come back later that day to find out that she wasn't home. He repeated his gesture but no one had opened the door and watching from the street up at the windows of her apartment, he saw it remained dark.

Mac was on his way home and to his surprise he saw from a distance that there was the person who he missed the most. Mixed feelings swelled inside him as he approached Stella.

xxx

It hadn't bothered Stella spending hours outside Mac's apartment. She wore a good layer of clothes, including a woolen hat, gloves and scarf. The medicines Jill prescribed had a good affect. Spending two days at Jill's place resting and sleeping, being almost completely nursed by the older woman, Stella had decided it was time to leave because she just couldn't handle the kindness the strange woman offered. That was something she kept to herself as she had no intention of hurting Jill. She was truly thankful for the help Jill offered. Otherwise she would have been in serious danger of neglecting her sick condition. During the days she got to know Jill better. She had shared her life story with her, listening to Jill's as well. Smiling, she was pretty sure they were on their way to be friends. She had promised to be checked later on, but there was something that needed to be done as soon as possible, which was why she had waited for Mac by the doorstep for as long as it took.

xxx

"Hey," Stella said with a shy smile as she witnessed Mac coming closer. Not sure what was going on in his mind, his smile was comforting. Maybe she hadn't messed things up completely, she thought.

"Hey. It's freezing out here. How long have you waited?"

She didn't mind waiting in the crispy air, watching how the leaves danced in the breeze of air. It felt good to breathe normally.

"Not long", she replied watching him stepping toward the main door. As he had reached the top level of the stair he turned around. "Are you coming in?"

Following Mac, she agreed.

xxx

There wasn't much talk as they headed toward Mac's apartment. It was dim and she walked behind him not aware of how his lips were pressed together. He opened the door and entered leaving the door open for Stella.

Stella watched Mac vanishing into the kitchen. She waited by the door frame until he got things settled.

"I'm sorry," she said simply, then.

First, there was nothing, only the silence fallen around them. She hid her trembling hands in the pockets of her jacket. She could only wait, and the seconds felt too long for her. She repeated her words her eyes watering until her voice became so strangled she needed to pause.

Mac turned around and faced her.

"I am too," he said quietly.

"Oh." Stella released a short of breath. She placed her palm against his chest, stepping closer into his warmth. "You shouldn't be—" she shook her head. "_I am_ sorry. I hurt you."

He couldn't ignore the affect her voice caused in him. Immediately, he closed her in his arms.

"You've been through a lot, haven't you?"

His voice was quiet, but she heard his question. His head fell as she walked past him, continuing her way into the kitchen. She released a slow exhale. No one else could have done such an assumption. But as she tried to find some words, facing a counter, there was nothing to stop tears falling, and Mac noticed the small nod which was her simple answer. He wondered how much that plain act held beyond it. Her back was toward Mac and he realized she was crying by the way her back spasmed because of her sudden burst of emotions.

"Stell."

She shuddered and gasped as Mac's hand grasped her biceps. Her tough barriers broke and she knew she should look into his blue eyes. There would be compassion, concern. So she broke down even further. He said her name again, his voice revealing the pain he felt for her. In one swift turn, she was pressed against his chest as he gently kissed her temple, his lips lingering on her skin. She sank into his embrace. Minutes passed as he held her, letting the woman shed her tears in his arms.

Slowly, she let out a shaky breath. She felt ridiculous for letting him see in that kind of state.

"I'm such a mess." She shook her head.

"No. You're not," he said softly, wiping away her tears. "And if you are, you are _mine_ mess."

"You're in trouble, then." with the small smile on her lips, she pulled him closer, allowing him to have more than anyone could image, allowing herself to have access to heal. His lips skimmed against hers. The sensation was nothing she had ever experienced before. It was so pure, so tender, and she wanted it to last eons. The way he caressed her with his hands, his mouth, she took a memory of it, printed the touch of his lips in her mind, and heart. The kiss was a hopeful promise of the future, the reflection of their possible path together. It represented everything between them. The kiss exhaled them.

Somehow, unconsciously, she knew there would be time to recall it. She just didn't know when. The worry what might happen between them, danced around them. It didn't show its face, but it was there, looming, in the shadows, and waiting the moment of solace.

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading. Feedback is always welcome!:)**


	12. The Hidden Truth

**A/N: Thank you for the feedback! I'm truly happy for the kind words! Pay attention the truth. That sums up everything. Lily, thanks for reading this piece! Mistakes are mine. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**12. The Hidden Truth**

The 21st of July, 2003, New York

The early morning sunshine was reflected in the office of the psychologist, Carol Spencer. She had come to her office very early, wanting to study the papers of the female detective who had reserved time for the evaluation the job required. She thought about another detective from Mac Taylor's team. Danny Messer. It was interesting to know how different people were chosen to work in the crime lab. She had met almost all of them and understood how loyal and dedicated the detectives were, but they all seemed to have a history that caused troubles in a way or another. Her thoughts traveled from Aiden Burn to Danny Messer not to mention the head of the crime lab himself, Mac Taylor. But with a frown on her face, Carol Spencer read through the papers and watched the attached photos. She closed the folder and thought a moment before rising up from her seat. It was time to meet detective Stella Bonasera.

xxx

Stella waited outside the therapy room, not so happy at the thought of sharing anything personal. She had done it all back then, at the police academy when the nightmares had almost consumed her. She had faced her fears, those terrible memories of her mother dying. It had been a rough path, considering that awfully bad shape those sessions put her into before she was on her way to recovery. She had got balance and her dreams were whispering with the tenderness nowadays. Still, she felt uneasy. She had nothing to be ashamed about, but she didn't like sharing the most terrible happening in her life with some stranger who would evaluate her ability to do her job. She was upset because she knew exactly how much this meeting could affect her life, and not only hers. She kept thinking about her daughter to whom she had promised to see soon.

Stella's thoughts were cut by the voice of the psychologist, Carol Spencer.

"Good morning, Detective Bonasera."

Stella stood up, made her way to the older woman and shook hands with her.

"Morning."

"I think this won't take so long. It's only a procedure." Stella heard the woman saying as she guided them into the softly decorated room.

"Oh, that's good." Stella smiled at her, but couldn't ignore the uneasy feeling.

"So, you've moved here recently?" Carol started their conversation. The folder rested on the desk.

"A month ago." Stella replied holding her hands in her lap.

"Was there any reason?"

_Well, I got the job, s_he had wanted to say, but went straight to business. "Look, it's not what you think" she chose the words. "You can read it. I don't have to tell you."

The older woman glanced down at the pictures lying over the folder and lifted her gaze to meet Stella's.

"What I want is to you to tell me. From what I've seen of your hospital records, you've got through some pretty bad things. You think you're ready to work?"

She didn't know how they had got her hospital records, but she didn't like the idea of anybody seeing them.

"Nothing influences my work. Nothing. It has nothing to do with-"

"I would like you to see these." The therapist Carol Spencer picked up few photos and set them in front of Stella, observing how Stella stared out of the window. There was something beyond her green eyes, beneath the surface, hidden. Stella turned her gaze to meet the older woman. Stella took the photos in her hands.

"So I got beat up." Stella inhaled deeply, trying to hold her voice stern. She flipped through the photos, setting them back on the desk. She had to swallow the lump in her throat. She could taste the blood in her mouth, whether it was a hazy memory or the sick feeling inside her, she couldn't tell. They were silent one brief moment.

"It was your husband who did this to you." The words sank into her. "After your neighbors called 911-"

Stella stood up forcefully. "I don't need this, okay? I have a vivid memory of what happened, so don't tell me what happened back then. I don't need anyone else to tell me what happened. "

There had been some noises she could remember. They came from above her, trying to bring her back to reality. Drifting into the darkness, the next thing she remembered was the smell of a hospital and the cops asking if she wanted to file a crime report. Her husband had vanished beneath the earth after the assault that almost took Stella's life. The only thing she had been grateful was that Vera had never seen it happening as she had been with Jill spending a sleep over with Jill's grandchildren.

"I'm not here to judge you." Carol said calmly. "This is only a protocol, Detective Bonasera. Would you please sit down?"

Stella hesitated for a moment before she sat down.

"Now, can you tell me how you coped with the trauma of being assaulted? You left Narcotics after what happened to you."

The turmoil inside her told her to run. "I left only because I couldn't live in the same city with him anymore. The restraining order didn't stop him following him us."

"Us?" Carol asked.

"Yes, my daughter, Vera. And no. She didn't witness anything what happened to me," Stella said before the psychologist asked, and she replied with a nod.

Stella continued. "The thing that bothered me after the separation was the feeling of somebody following me. The feeling of being watched made me feel uneasy. The fear came often at work as well, and I couldn't do my job well as I had the feeling of uneasiness. For times I thought if it was the job, but it wasn't. It was like he... uh, never mind. It's a stupid thought."

"There are no such things as stupid thoughts." Carol stated, comforting.

"I know this is crazy but it felt from the beginning of our relationship that he was always a step ahead of me. As if he knew something. As if he controlled my life. I didn't realize that then, but now as I have thought about it, I fell into his every suggestion. Not against my own will though. He even wanted me to stay as a home wife, but that was something I didn't want to. We argued about that many times. It was hard to listen to so cruel things."

"What did he say?"

Stella hummed: "He pondered if I was suitable for being a detective. He said that my colleagues didn't trust my ability to do my work. He asked me why I didn't think about Vera and so on. You get the picture?"

Carol nodded and asked: "Did your colleagues at Narcotics think you weren't able to do your job, then?"

"I hope not. I told my partner in Narcotics about the messy situation. He understood pretty well and didn't say a word, but I couldn't help but think that if I was being followed by my ex husband, that maybe Cole, my partner, was in danger too. I couldn't risk his life."

"Risk his life?" Carol stated.

"Yes. My ex was jealous and couldn't believe that I only worked with Cole and not slept with him. Cole got some nasty calls, but the calls were untraceable. He never saw anyone following him, but I knew better. I had to move somewhere I felt safe."

"And here you're safe?"

The silence fell in the room as Carol waited to hear Stella's answer. Clearly she needed to think about it before replying.

"Uh… I haven't gotten the same feeling here I had in Seattle. It's a horrible sensation when you realize that you hear the footsteps far behind you in the dark. You don't see anyone anywhere. It happens before and after work, when you go to gym or to pick up your daughter from school. The fear follows you. Then, months go by and you just think that your mind is playing tricks because of the trauma of being assaulted. I know what post traumatic stress disorder is. You get calls in the middle of the night after changing your phone number endless times…" with a heavy sigh, her voice trailed off weakly until Carol couldn't hear the rest of what she said.

"Didn't you make a report?"

"Believe me I did, but it was useless." Stella shrugged her shoulders. "I knew he was following me and I got calls, the tires of my car were slashed with a knife from time to time…"

"Okay." Carol took the conversation back to the present. "How has your life been different here in New York?"

"I can live in peace and so will my daughter."

"Did you daughter suffers from this?"

Stella had to think about that. "I think the worst thing for both of us is the separation. She has asked about her dad and where he is, and I have explained the situation to her as well as I could. I think in some part she misses him, but once we talked about why mommy and daddy are divorcing she said that maybe daddy's not so mad when we aren't with him."

"The separation? Isn't your daughter here?"

Stella shook her head sadly. "No. She's spending this summer with my close friend. I wanted her to be safe and get things settled before she moves here. It's hard for her to leave all her friends though."

"Has her father harmed her?"

"Never." Stella said truthfully. "He was a good father until he stopped trying."

"Why did you think that happened?"

Stella could only guess, so she did. "He stopped pretending. I think I stopped pretending as well."

"Would you like to be more specific?"

"Well, I was in pretty bad shape when we got married. We knew each other as friends, but I never considered him as my lover or husband, but life didn't go as planned and I left everything that valued me the most. He saw my pain and saved me from drowning in misery and helped me to take care of myself and the baby even though it wasn't his obligation."

"You mean that—"

"He isn't the father of my child." Stella stated the hidden truth. "But he was a good father from the moment Vera was born."

"But not so good as a husband?" Carol asked.

"I think we both tried to do our best. I cared for him, I really did, but the relationship needs more than caring from both sides, and there weren't enough flames to keep our marriage in fire." Stella said smiling sadly.

"You didn't love him?"

A little bit hesitant, Stella answered: "I grew to love him, but after I noticed the signs and got evidence that I wasn't the only woman in his life, I stopped. I couldn't understand why he wanted to be with me, when he slept with other women. I said many times go, you are free, but he always stayed and got angry when I said that I'd leave him then."

"Did he get violent after that or was he abusive from the beginning?"

Stella laughed sadly, glancing out through the window. "First I didn't even get him being violent as he hid his behavior so well."

The words left them in silence as Carol waited Stella to continue. But she didn't.

"What do you mean?" Carol asked and watched Stella rising up from her seat and walking to view the city from the window.

"I think it got something to do with the drinking, when he…" Stella's voice trailed off, leaving her breathing shallowly, before she continued her voice small. "The first time he hurt me happened after we got home from a Christmas party. I was heading to bed when he followed me. He kept pressuring and pushing about me acting too friendly towards some men in the party. That was an absurd thought, but he wouldn't even listen to me. He lost his temper and pushed me against the wall. He couldn't remember anything the next morning and got angry when I claimed he'd been rough."

"What did he say to your accusation?"

"That it was my fault." Stella said wryly. "He kept accusing me but I wasn't the one who broke the wedding vows. Usually he lost his temper and grabbed me, pushed me against walls until I had enough."

"It sounds like he does have problems with his ability to feel emotions and self esteem I know you can't reply on his behalf, but do you think he loved you?"

"I think that's the saddest part. I don't think he loved me at all. He just wanted to control me. His childhood was poor as his father was drunk and violent. His mother put up his husband and got sick mentally until she was diagnosed Alzheimer. She died a year after our wedding. He didn't have a childhood. He wasn't loved or taken care of by the most important people. I can't blame him for acting the only way he has adapted from his childhood to the day he left in army."

"But that doesn't justify behaving violently." Carol stated, and Stella agreed.

"Okay." Carol breathed. "What about you? Can you tell me about your childhood? If I have understood correctly, your mother died in a car accident leaving you as an orphan—"

"I was four."

"— As there are no mentions about your father."

"I don't know who my father is." Stella glanced at the other woman. "I grew up in an orphanage raised by the nuns."

"You share a terrible childhood with your ex husband."

"But I never learnt to act violently." Stella spoke and was a little surprised by the question of why she wanted to be a police officer. That got Stella reserved.

"What that supposed to mean?"

"Do you think that your life has guided you to choose a police officer's career?"

Stella frowned, thinking about her reasons why she wanted to be a cop. "I really don't know. I never considered any other career possibilities."

"Yet you are so much more."

Carol's words captured Stella attention, but she couldn't figure out what the other woman meant.

"You are a mother."

Affected of the thought of having a child, she replied with deep affection clear in her voice. "Yes, that I am the most."

xxx

He noticed her right away. Standing in the heat, he watched her hurrying across the street. He spat on the street and was given annoyed looks by the fellow pedestrians. He didn't care as his focus was on the curly haired woman walking toward the building holding the endless line of police cars in front of the entrance. It was his lucky day as he had witnessed her right away by hanging around the police department building. His clean outfit didn't stand out anyhow. Sometimes he imagined being invisible, moving so close to her to smell her perfume.

He held a camera in his hand, like a tourist memorizing the heart of New York. They could never know his purpose. He walked over a street as the lights had gone green and stopped at the corner of the other building. Holding his camera, he zoomed in and zoomed out, wanting to have the perfect picture. He put his other hand in the pocket of his jeans, his fingers meeting the cold blade of his small pocket knife. Feeling the mounting fire of anger in his heart, he breathed deeply and tried to calm down. It wasn't time yet to show what he was capable. He stood there, staring at his target. He smiled. It wasn't time indeed yet.

xxx

Detective Don Flack walked outside the CSI building. He had gone to meet Mac but had discovered that he had taken few days off. He wondered if it had something to do with Jill Cameron, but didn't talk to anyone else about it as that had been Mac's wish. It was another, scalding day, he thought squeezing his eyes before putting on his police sun glasses. Casual Friday, he thanked as he was pleased to wear a pair of jeans and sleeveless top. He watched the street, admiring the blue ocean of the police cars radiating in the heat, and felt a little sorry for the uniformed police officers who spent their work days in the car patrolling the streets. Work colleagues greeted him, some joking about his bad cop look before they vanished inside the air conditioned building. Bad cop look or not he enjoyed the break from work. Waiting the lights turning to green he noticed the curly haired woman standing across the street. _Detective Bonasera._ She looked like she was cold as she had her hands wrapped round her while she waited amongst the other pedestrians. The red light turned into green and she began her journey toward Don. He didn't move from his position as he waited for her.

xxx

Stella was exhausted after the evaluation. It had gone better than she expected, but talking about something she wanted to leave in the past had left her tired, so tired. Still, she decided to walk to work as if that could ease her state. She didn't bother to view her surrounding waiting at the lights as she got chills. From where, she couldn't tell as the city swam beneath the sun. Sweat pearled along her back beneath her silken blouse but she shivered. She moved her hands on her hip, making sure she had her gun in the holster and badge resting on her hip. She followed the crowd over the street and was about the step over the pavement when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She yanked herself from the grip, was faced with the dark haired man and reached for her gun.

"Whooa! Don't shoot!" The man held his hands in the air. It took time for her to recognize the man who looked like he was ripped from the fashion show.

"Detective Flack." Stella said with a stern look being a little annoyed by the man's behavior. "What do you want?"

"First of all, I'm sorry for scaring you. I said your name many times, but clearly you didn't hear me." Don said and continued hastily as the female detective didn't say a word, taking off his sun glasses. "I just wanted to ask if you'd like to have a coffee. It's my break time which I usually spend in your break room but no one's there."

Stella watched the detective and shook her head, causing her curly hair to bounce. "First of all, don't ever scare me so. I don't hesitate to use my gun, but your apologies are accepted. Detective Taylor is out of town, taking some leave so I'm taking his position at the moment."

"You've had the pleasure of meeting Sinclair, then?"

Stella nodded. "He's too serious a man. He should take it easy before having a stroke."

Don smiled at her, agreeing that she was right. He asked again about the coffee.

"I guess I have time. The detectives will call me if they need to."

As they began to walk toward the nearest coffee shop, Stella peeked over her shoulder, viewing the street and the pedestrians behind her, hardly listening at all to Don's reassurance that the team was very able to take care of things.

xxx

He stopped following the detectives after he saw them going into a small coffee shop. She sat there near the window seat, face to face with the male detective who looked more like a male model than a cop. He sneered before taking a picture and another. One after other, he captured his obsession. Stella. His wife. In the crowded street, blending in with other citizens, he had his goal of the day. He was pleased with his work, but one piece of information he needed. Knowing that by the end of the day she would eventually leave home, and that was what he waited for.

xxx

"So, have you enjoyed being here in New York? I heard you moved from Seattle, right?" Don sipped his coffee and leaned back in his seat. Stella sat across the table, holding the coffee cup between her hands, the steam rising delicately from the cup.

"Yeah." Stella nodded slowly tasting her coffee with milk. "The job is different, but I like it. So far. The city is familiar to me as I lived here some time ago."

"Really?" Don asked. "I didn't know about that."

"How could you have?" Stella said. "Or are there already rumors about me?"

Don grinned. "You can't blame us."

Stella hummed at his words. "Yeah, I haven't really been very social at work, just trying to get things settled before my daughter moves here."

"You have a kid?"

"Yeah. " She replied shortly.

"So what does your hubby do?"

He had seen her wearing a wedding ring but as he glanced down at her hands she didn't have one anymore. He regretted his question right away.

Stella smiled at him. "Actually, I'm not married. Anymore."

"Sorry."

"I'm not." Stella said truthfully, sipped her coffee and leaned against the soft cushion of her seat. She didn't want to speak about her life anymore. The evaluation had been enough for her.

"So, what about you?"

"What about me?" Don smiled widely.

"Kids?"

"No."

"A girlfriend?"

"No."

"A wife?"

"No."

"A boyfriend?"

"NO!" Don burst into a deep laugh, realizing how much he enjoyed being teased by the other superior. "God no."

"I thought so, just had to make sure." Stella grinned, finishing her drink. "How long have you been a detective?"

"Sometimes too long, but five years. I followed in my father's steps. He patrolled the streets, but that wasn't for me. Man needs some action. Every day is different, but that's not anything new to you."

"Well, I saw pretty bad things at Narcotics. I don't expect this city to have fewer crimes, but I assume that working at the crime scene unit is less stressful." Stella spoke recalling her job and how it was different than her latest job.

"Depends."

"On what?"

Don shrugged his shoulders, pondering how to form the right words. "Things have been pretty intense since Mac's wife, Claire, died. I mean, he was a different man after that. I think we've all changed after what happened, but Mac…" Don shook his head sadly. "He can be pretty shut down."

"Noted." Stella said simply. If he could have only known how well she knew him being shut down…

"Did they have kids?" Stella continued the conversation, realizing that she lacked the information about Mac's life.

"No. I guess they talked about it but…" Don muttered, tapping the edge of the table with his fingers, watching outside through the window. The flash outside had captured his attention. There was a man holding a camera across the street, staring at the coffee shop.

"Hey?" Stella called him. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes, some tourist taking pictures." Don explained, blinking.

"Where?" Stella looked at the same direction where Don pointed.

"I don't see her."

"It was just some guy taking pics."

Stella watched the street and the passing pedestrians.

"There's no one holding a camera."

Don laughed stating that there must be more interesting places in the city than the small coffee shop. Pondering the odds, Stella agreed with him.

xxx

"Stop right here." the man guided the cab driver. He tossed the money to the driver and stepped out of the vehicle. He slowed his pace watching the woman walking toward the building where the door man greeted her. He opened the door to her and she thanked him. He looked up at the rising building but could only guess where her apartment located. The building was new, very modern with a parking lot in the ground floor and a small parking area in front of the building as well. He wondered about where she had got all the money until he realized that she must have sold _their_ house in Seattle and used _their_ money to buy the fancy apartment. Hot anger flashed inside him as he imagined her inviting other men to her, no, _their_ apartment. He had seen this happening in his nightmares, picturing her beneath other men moaning in pure lust. _Bitch._ She didn't care about him anymore and as he hadn't seen Vera in ages he was pretty sure she didn't care about her bastard child either.

"…Sir?"

He was drawn back to reality from his dangerous thoughts about giving her the lesson that kind of woman deserved. The doorman looked straight to his direction and had moved closer. _Shit_, he thought as he couldn't hold his thoughts together as the need to revenge was so untamed.

"Sir? Are you lost?" The older man asked again.

Without replying to the question he turned around rapidly and walked further away. Around the corner he leaned against the wall and breathed deeply trying to ease the tension. _Goddamn_, he cursed. His blood boiling, he was pretty sure that the amount of eliminated persons had just risen.

**tbc**

* * *

**Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome!**


	13. So Many Ways To Tell That I Love You

**A/N: Thank you for the feedback! Lily, thank you for reading this and your comments were really helpful. Mistakes are all mine as always! I love angst, so prepare for it! I'm not sure about the rating. I'll let this go as (high) T, but I might change the rating to M (depends on the feedback). **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**13. So Many Ways To Tell That I Love You**

**Part I Whose Heart Is Bulletproof?**

Autumn, 1993, New York City

"Bonasera, are you all right?"

She heard the question while the paramedic checked her wound. She sat in the back of the ambulance. Even though she had closed her eyes, she could still see the view. The clear lights of sirens, red and blue screaming in turn. The body lay on the ground, covered with a black bag. Detectives spoke with her partner, Mickey Roose. It had all happened so fast, too fast. They had chased after the suspect of a robbery and ended up running behind him. All three of them had ended up in the dead end alley.

"_Put your gun down!"_

Stella had seen from his eyes that he wasn't going to give in. Her heart had hammered in her chest and her palms were sweaty as she understood that this chase wasn't going to end well. This kind of situation was her first and she had no goddamn idea if it would cost her life. The fear had flashed her mind, but she had forced it away. Calm down, she had said to herself, her gaze fixed on the suspect. Mickey had stood next to her, aiming at the suspect as well. From the background she had heard their back-up coming.

"_Don't be stupid, son. Put down your gun." _It was her partner speaking to the suspect.

The gun had been aimed somewhere between the police officers.

"_Pigs!" _he had yelled._ "I'll kill you. I'll kill you!"_

Then, everything had happened in seconds. After the loud bang, she felt the awful pain, fell over the garbage cans and saw only the dark sky above her. For a moment she had thought that this was it, that she was dead and headed for the darkness. But soon she understood that her heart still beat wildly, it had showed no signs of giving in. She had breathed in heavily, feeling like she had been kicked in a stomach; her hands flew over her chest. Her bulletproof vest was unbroken, but moving her arm told her that she had been hit.

"_Hey, rookie! Rookie, you're all right, rookie?"_ she heard Mickey yelling at her. Guess he saw her tapping her bulletproof vest.

She could only nod, lying on the ground all the garbage cans spread around her.

"_We have an officer down. I repeat. We have an officer down!"_

_An officer down…_

_An officer down…_

Her boss repeated his concern. "Bonasera, are you all right?"

She nodded, sighing: "I'm fine."

The next question was aimed at the paramedic. "Is she all right?"

"It's just a wound on her shoulder. She was lucky. It only scratched her skin." he replied watching the wounded police officer in front of him and lowered his voice. "She'll be fine. At least physically."

xxx

After being checked and having giving her report of what had happened, Mickey insisted on driving her home. She didn't talk much as she listened to Mickey's stories about his grandchildren. She knew he was trying to make her feel good, trying to make her think of something else.

"How did it feel?" Stella asked as he parked the car. She stared at her own hands. "The shooting?"

Mickey was silent for a while before replying: "I just did what I had to, kid."

"He wasn't going to give in?"

Mickey shook his head sadly, tapping the wheel with his fingers. "Nope. You saw it, too." he changed his position in his seat and cleared his throat. "Look. This was a tough call, and sometimes things don't go as planned."

She gave a weak smile and agreed.

"You just go up there and take it easy for a few days." He guided her as she rose up from the vehicle. She stood in the street so long, watching Mickey turning around the corner and disappearing from her vision that it began to blur.

xxx

She had a headache, and her arm hurt like hell. All she wanted was to curl up next to Mac and be held by him. The amount of shifts she had done lately had taken a toll. She suddenly felt the overwhelming exhaustion in her every cell and bone. She stumbled up the stairs up after noticing that the lift was once again broken and could not be used. She felt breathless after climbing to the fourth floor. Finally I'm home, she thought and opened the door. She wasn't prepared for the sounds coming from the living room. Closing the door she made her way in the kitchen. She closed her eyes, tears burning behind her eyelids after seeing the mess spread all over.

xxx

The good thing about living together was that you didn't need to do everything alone. At least that was Stella's way of thinking. Keeping the household clean and neat was absolutely fine – when it was _them both_ doing basic stuff like vacuuming and washing dishes. It had gone well the first six months. After that the honeymoon of moving in together was over, Stella realized. Now seeing the pile of unwashed dishes in the sink and the empty pizza boxes resting on the kitchen table not to mention the empty beer cans, Stella could only grimace at the sight. It had taken _a day_ to clean the whole apartment.

She really didn't have the energy to clean up the mess in the kitchen. She felt so tired and exhausted, lacking of the warmth of a hot bath, still not understanding how close she had been to losing her life in the line of duty. Her partner wanted her to have called Mac but she promised to tell him as soon as she was home. It was just a scratch on her shoulder, but had pierced her uniform jacket.

The noise from the living room told her that there was some game on TV and there was not only Mac protesting the penalty the hockey player was given but a group of his work mates. She didn't have time to call Mac's name when she was greeted by Jace.

"Hi rookie," the green eyed man passed her. "Good game on TV."

"Hi..." Stella was slightly confused. "What are you doing here?"

"Here? At your apartment? Uh, watching the game, of course."

Stella shook her head. "I didn't know you were in the city," she corrected, "Mac didn't say anything…"

With a grin over his face, Jace stated simply that he liked to surprise people.

"Is that so?" Stella said watching him disappearing into the living room where she made her way after a heavy sigh.

Hi Stella!" the group of men greeted her not taking their eyes off from the TV screen.

"Hi baby. You're home already." Mac said trying to focus on the game at the same time which irritated Stella very much.

"Yeah, I worked overtime the last weeks and…uh…I…something… happened…the…chase…." Stella's explanations were drowned by the loud shouts of another protest.

"What?" Mac turned to Stella.

She shook her head. "Nothing.. I just-" she nodded toward the kitchen and exited the room. Jace appeared in the same room as she dialed the number of her friend before he headed to the small balcony and started to smoke a cigarette. He narrowed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

"You should say if we're bothering you."

"You should quit." Stella replied watching the smoking man.

"Some day." Jace shrugged.

"Seriously. Could you close the door? I can't stand the smell."

She couldn't understand why the smell made her feel really nauseous. Stella tried to ignore his presence while speaking with her friend. After the phone call, she left Jace alone, hoping that the smoke that hovered inside the flat would vanish soon, and made her way into the bedroom.

xxx

Mac peeked over his shoulder towards the kitchen. He frowned. Something wasn't right as he recalled seeing Stella at the door frame. He hadn't heard her words correctly, and she hadn't repeated them either. Mac took a sip of his beer and put the can on the table and was about to rise up from his seat when the loud shout of his friends stopped him.

"Oh, man!" The man beside him yelled. "That's got to hurt!"

The men grimaced watching the replay of the checking.

"Did you see it, Mac?"

"Damn it, I miss it." Mac muttered, his gaze fixed on the TV screen.

"It will be replayed many times so pay attention to the game." Mac's friend comforted and offered another beer can to Mac.

xxx

Jace tossed the butt away watching Stella going to the bedroom. He noticed the bloody spot on her shoulder and that she still had her bulletproof vest on. He witnessed the men in the living room still sitting at their places. All though Mac had risen up from his seat he had been pulled back to sit on the couch. Moron, Jace thought about him. If Mac had paid more attention to the state of his girlfriend he wouldn't be watching the game at the moment. Something had probably happened at work, and he was pretty sure that she would have wanted to talk about it to someone. Probably to Mac but he seemed to be busy. His grin was sly as he imagined a moment of solace with Stella.

xxx

Stella's clothes were spread on the floor. Her gun and her badge were on the bedside table, in front of a book pile of Chemistry and Biology. Standing in her underwear, she placed her bulletproof vest on the back of a chair. She wasn't aware of the man watching her. The door was nearly closed but left the perfect view for Jace to admire her. He was bold doing that because he could have been spotted by Mac any time, but peeking time to time behind his shoulder, there wasn't anyone interrupting him. He had the time of his life. She was in good shape as he gazed at her from head to toe. He took in the curve of her waist and couldn't fight against the arousal. The heat flashed inside his body as he played with her in his mind. He peeked once over his shoulder, and as the other men where in the living room, he took the opportunity.

xxx

"Bet that hurts."

Stella recognized the voice right away. She turned around and witnessed Jace's dark figure only a few inches away. She had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn't heard him knocking on the door. Or had he even knocked?

"Jace." she breathed and reached for the robe to cover her body.

"Relax. You have nothing I haven't seen before." he grinned.

"Funny."

"Lemme see it." he said with the voice that caused goose bumps to spread all over her body.

"Jace…" she tried.

"Lemme see it. I know how badly they can hurt."

She lowered her robe so the wound was visible. Jace glanced down at Stella and she needed to lower her gaze as she couldn't bare his stare. She felt suddenly breathless for their narrow proximity.

Jace was satisfied to hear her small gasp when he touched her. He grabbed her arm, so gently that it surprised himself. He didn't pay much attention to the wound as it was clear that it was just a scratch. It had bled, but changing the plaster would do it. He covered well his fake interest toward the gunshot wound. He noticed that she had tensed at his presence.

"You don't need to be afraid of me."

"I'm not." she breathed too soon.

His gaze traveled from her profile down to her neck and the amount of bare skin the cleavage revealed.

"Then why you are trembling?" he left the question to hover in the air.

"I… I'm not." Stella glanced up at Jace whose palm rested on her shoulder. Her chest heaved as she saw how dark his eyes were. She inhaled sharply as she felt his hand soothing her neck muscles.

Jace's heart rarely fluttered in his chest. This feeling was new to him as he began to understand that it wasn't just desire he felt for her. Tears pooled in her eyes as their gazes held. She yearned to be touched, he figured, and as she tilted her head a very little toward his touch, it was enough for him.

"Stella…" Jace didn't break their eye contact and was about to lean closer but just in time stepped backwards.

"What's going on?"

xxx

Mac pushed the door of the bedroom open and witnessed Stella half naked in front of Jace. Stella pulled up the robe, covering herself.

"Nothing," was their unison reply.

As Mac kept staring at them, Jace continued lifting his hands up. "Seriously, man. Nothing is going on…" But his mind told the truth.

_I would have kissed her if you hadn't come to interrupt us. I would have touched her. Here. In your bedroom where she sleep with you. I would have slid my hand inside her robe and felt her skin. Everywhere. If it would have been just the two of us and you jerks had gone to watch the game at the bar, I would have nailed her good in the mean time. Oops, I forgot something at your place, Mac. I'll go and get it. Hi, Stella. Guess who's back? Don't be so modest, woman. I know you want it. Come on now, just relax. I would have done things to her you can only dream about, Mackie. Bet she's a wild one. Too much for you, coward. You don't know anything about taming a woman. Screw you, Mac.._

"…Nothing you should worry about."

Mac's expression was stoic as he watched the two. They looked like he had caught them doing something inappropriate.

"Can you leave us alone, Jace?" Mac didn't watch him.

"Sure can do, Mackie. He exited the room. He grabbed his jacket and decided that it was his time to leave. _Let the heat cool down._ Mac didn't see anything. He didn't see how his woman had leaned into another man's touch. She wants me! She wants me! He smiled, stepping down the steps.

xxx

Jace made his way toward the nearest bar. He tossed down two tequila shots and felt the alcohol warming his body. It all tasted bitter afterwards. He cursed his friend. He should have played his cards better. He should have done like he dreamt about, asking the guys out to watch the game in some bar and accidentally forgetting something at Mac and Stella's place so he could have gone there again.

He hardened and felt the twist of want in his gut as he recalled the moment a few minutes ago. The first opportunity to do her things was when he took her to see his mother after he picked her up at the airport in Chicago. It would have been just too easy to park the car somewhere in the forest and take her, but she would have probably made a report, so he gave up the plan. He wasn't going to prison for that. No meant yes every time. It wasn't until the Christmas dinner that gave him the hope. Getting to know her poor family history he decided that playing a good guy was the best way to win her trust. Even Mac didn't have a hunch about his wicked plan. Telling stories about the ladies he spent the nights with gave his friend the image that he was just a wild bachelor not willing to settle down. Little did he know about the obsession he felt for Stella.

Goddamn for not asking the men at the bar, he cursed. He could be having fun with her, making her scream, and Mac would be unaware of it all. Falling into his fantasy, he continued drinking. After getting enough, he viewed the room. He made eye contact with a brunette who's long, curly haired reminded him about her. She would do, he rose up from his seat and joined her.

xxx

"What was that about?" Mac closed the door of bedroom with a loud bang and stepped closer.

"Nothing, Mac. Absolutely nothing."

He was given a cold shoulder as she took some distance. She didn't like him smelling of beer.

"So you just happen to stand half naked in front of my friend because of nothing? Well, be ready to step in the living room and show the best of you, Stella. I'm sure the guys want a peep show, too!"

"Jesus, Mac. Don't be stupid." She felt slightly irritated by his behavior.

"Well, what's wrong? You so willingly showed it all to _him_." Mac mocked.

"You have no idea what you are talking about." she tossed the robe on the bed, but he didn't notice the wound on her shoulder as he seemed to be more interested in what kind of underwear she had on. "Go watch the stupid game on the stupid TV with your…" she almost said it out loud. _Stupid._ "…pals. Let me dress."

"Ain't happening." Mac sat on the edge of the bed and tried to pull her closer, but she swerved.

"Are you kidding with me?"

"Are _you_ kidding with me? What's wrong, huh? I can't look at you? I can't touch you?"

Stella remained silent, but her inside burnt with anger. He was so annoying that she couldn't take it. She was ready to explode.

Mac pointed toward the direction where his friends were. "That was a surprise call by the way. I didn't ask them—"

"And you didn't stop them either, Mac," Stella shouted suddenly. "I thought I was living with _a man_, not five. For your information one of them smoked at the doorway of the kitchen and the balcony so two rooms will stink. And I'm so not going to clean up your mess, Mac. I spent a day cleaning our home, but not so you could mess everything up. Look at the kitchen!" she pointed toward the area as if it could be seen through the wall, "This is like a déjà-vu from last week. I worked overtime the last month as I thought we could spend at least some nights together doing more than saying 'hi' and 'how was your day' because we both pass out being so goddamn tired to do anything else. So what's wrong, you ask. Arg, you are so annoying, Mac!"

Stella's burst was full of fire and when the silence fell, it fell all around the apartment. Stella sighed heavily, pulling on her jeans and sweater, grimacing at the pain in her shoulder. "Go watch your game. Go drink your beers. I'll go see Jill." Then, she was gone out of the apartment, leaving the men together.

The cool air greeted her and she breathed deeply the night's cold air. Her eyes watered, but not because of Mac spending time with his pals. It really was okay, but the day's trauma was so huge that she didn't know how to cope with it. She had been shot in the line of duty. If being shot wasn't enough then there was Jace. She hailed a taxi. What the hell had happened between them? She pondered. On some level she knew, but tried to ignore it. She wasn't attracted to him anyhow, but his presence left her restless. He was handsome, she couldn't deny it, and there was something that he held back, hidden beneath his cool surface. If Mac hadn't interrupted… No, she shook her head. She wouldn't have let Jace kiss her, but seeing how dark his eyes had been, she wasn't so sure if he would have taken no for an answer.

xxx

"It's only a scratch." Jill patted Stella's wound softly, trying to ignore the unpleasant worry that occupied her heart.

"Yeah, but it hurts like hell," Stella muttered, closing her eyes. She sat at a kitchen chair.

"I'll clean it better. Let's see it tomorrow morning as it could get infected." Jill vanished to pick up the supplies she needed for the cleaning. "This might hurt," she warned before pressing the scratch with an alcohol paper.

"Goddamn," Stella hissed her eyes watering. Jill frowned. She usually didn't complain about anything but there was something that Stella hadn't spoken about.

"So, do you want to talk about it?" Jill placed a plaster over the wound and sat across the table watching the younger woman. "Did you argue with Mac or did the cleaning really hurt so bad?"

"Is it so obvious?"

Jill smiled at her, tapping her hand softly. "I have two daughters who act _exactly _the same way as you when they have fought with their boyfriends-"

"It wasn't exactly a fight," Stella muttered, and as Jill waited her to continue, she shrugged her shoulders. "I kind of exploded."

Jill couldn't hide her grin as watching the remorse over Stella's face. "Really? I would have never believed you were able to do so."

"Stop it," Stella laughed at her mocking. Yeah, she knew how hot tempered she could be. "I was so tired, and when I got home it was like a hockey team had invaded our apartment. The kitchen was so messy and I had just cleaned the whole house from floor to ceiling. I couldn't believe my eyes when I got home. And I wished that I could have spent the night with Mac, especially after what happened today."

"Did you tell him?"

"No. I didn't have time," she took a pause "He saw me with Jace."

Jill frowned. "Jace?"

Stella summed up quickly things about him, and Jill listened to her.

"…and he just asked me to show the wound. I had my robe on and I just lowered enough for him to see it and then it just…" Stella's voice trailed away.

"Then what?" Jill prompted.

"Suddenly he was close, like really close to me. He moved his hand from my shoulder to my neck," she showed it to Jill. "He leaned in to me and I don't know what happened. I felt vulnerable, Jill. I was tired of seeing the mess in the kitchen. I have thought spending the night with Mac, in _his_ arms, but the house was full of men watching some stupid hockey game. He was more interested in seeing the game than noticing that I have been shot. After all what happened at work… I felt really lonely and Jace's touch felt…"

"Felt what, Stell?"

"Good," she whispered and buried her face into her palms.

Jill was silent for a moment, letting her collect herself. Then, she crossed her fingers over the table, asking: "Did you kiss him?"

"God, no!" Stella shook her head. "But I'm sure he would have kissed me if Mac hadn't come in the room."

"Would you have let him kiss you?"

"He isn't the kind of guy who asks opinions," Stella muttered, recalling how powerless she felt close to Jace and suddenly felt petrified of the thought if Mac hadn't come. She didn't continue the thought.

"Okay," Jill sighed."So Mac saw you, then?"

"Yeah. He asked what was going on and we both replied that nothing. Jace said it many times and I tried to say it too after Jace left, but Mac was drunk, jealous and hurt and annoyed me because he was really possessive. We argued and I lost my temper." After sighing heavily, she continued: "I'm tired of saying things that should be obvious. It shouldn't be so difficult."

"Nothing in relationships are obvious, Stella. Don't forget it. Always speak about things. Don't ever assume that everything is fine and okay. You have to work on your relationships and if there's anything that bothers you, you have to say it to him. You can't assume that he gets it. He's not a mind reader." Jill guided.

"He sure isn't." Stella agreed.

"You need to talk to him, Stella."

"I will." she promised, and they fell into silence.

"What if he aimed—" Stella said suddenly her voice strangled, but she wasn't able to continue as the sudden nausea hit her like a huge wave. "Oh God…" she muttered, placing a hand over her mouth. She rushed into the bathroom and vomited.

"Are you all right?" Jill reached the door frame, concerned.

Stella breathed deeply, spitting the bad taste to the toilet. She was pale and sweaty. "Guess it just hit me now." She sat on the floor, resting her head against her knees. "Everything."

"Here," Jill offered a glass of water.

"Thank you," her hands trembled a bit. "Thank you."

"You're welcome", Jill replied and waited for Stella feel better. Soon, something very fluffy appeared at the doorway. It looked at Stella and made a poor attempt to bark. Stella burst out laughing watching the puppy's joyful yet very clumsy play.

"What is this cutest thing?" she took the puppy in her arms, and couldn't feel anything but warm inside her.

"Stella, this is Trick. He's just two months old, a Siberian husky." was Jill's words when they both fell in the charm of puppy's fluffiness.

xxx

"Good morning gorgeous," Jace heard a soft whisper in his ear. Soft curls tickled the side of his face and he smiled at the touch.

"Morning," he turned in the sheets to face the woman. His opened his eyes dreamily, but there was nothing dreamy about the face he saw.

"I made some coffee. Do you want some?" She offered him a cup of coffee.

Jace rose up from the bed and took the cup unable to do anything else His head was about to explode. It was the worst nightmare in a long time. The woman moved closer to him and spoke about something what he didn't pay attention. _Christ, would you just shut up!_

"…Then I thought this was exciting. I just broke up with my boyfriend. He was a dork. You are much more handsome than he was. I didn't know what I saw in him when we started dating," the woman explained to Jace who rubbed his temple with his hand.

"Do you have any painkillers?"

"Sure," she replied and vanished into the bathroom for awhile. He enjoyed the time of silence as it took time to search for the painkillers and had the opportunity to dress up. As he was on his way to the door, the woman shouted that she found the medicine. If she understood his intention to leave without saying anything, she didn't show it.

"So…" the woman started as she watched him tossing the pills down.

"Thank you," he rasped. "I need to go."

"Wait!"

He heard the desperation in her voice when she announced that there would be a crazy party next Saturday.

"Yeah?"

"Totally awesome party," she smiled as she got his attention. "It's gonna be _the party_ of the year. Bring some friends with you, okay? Lots of booze, sexy dancers, sounds great, huh?"

"Jace nodded. "I'll think about it."

"Don't think, just come." she handed him a piece of paper when she wrote down the address and her phone number.

"I'll come with a friend, Claire. She's a flight attendant and doesn't go out much. Guess it's the job killing her, right?" her laugh was high. "Long workdays and stuff…" she explained. "Maybe we'll see you there."

"Maybe." Jace put the paper in the pocket. He was a bit tired of circling the bars anyway. The party sounded great, and a thought crossed his mind.

"Hey, is your friend single?" Not that it mattered, he thought.

"Yes, she is. Interested?"

Ignoring the mocking tone in her voice, Jace stepped back inside the woman's apartment. "No, but I might have a friend who is."

xxx

It took four long days before Mac and Stella talked. She noticed that he cleaned the house. Silently, she thanked him for the gesture, but as she saw the look on his face, she understood that he wasn't ready to solve things. She felt remorse as she noticed how angry he was. Nothing happened, she said many times, but wasn't given any comments. At night time she stared at his back, wanting to touch him, but gave in quickly noticing that he moved away. The days were long and pressuring when things were unspoken. He avoided looking in her eyes. It didn't help that she felt sick all the time. She didn't have any fever, but the coldness was everywhere, so she spent the days resting on the bed and going out for a walk that ended almost every time with her feeling dizzy. She cried secretly, pondering what was wrong with her.

In the fifth evening of the unspoken days, there was a knock on the door. Mac stopped reading the newspaper in the living room and strolled at the door. He opened the door and welcomed in Stella's street patrol partner, Mickey Roose. He was an older man who had two years until retirement. Silently, Mac gave thanks for the experienced partner she got and not some cocky, smart ass guy.

"Hey, Mac. I just thought I'd drop in to see how the rookie is."

Mac frowned, thinking why her partner wanted to see if she was okay as she hadn't told him anything. He guided the older man further inside the apartment. Coming from the shower, Stella was surprised to see the men in the kitchen.

"I didn't know you were shot, Stell." Mac's smile was tight as he watched her. Mickey had told Mac about the shooting.

Stella avoided looking at Mac, finding the floor suddenly very interesting. "I tried to tell you, but the game on TV and your pals won your attention back then."

The words hovered in the air as if the air wasn't pressuring enough between the couple.

"We haven't really had any chance to talk." Stella said to Mickey as if she needed to explain things.

He nodded. "I understand. Well, I'm sorry for slipping it out. If I had known—" he rose up from the seat. "Guess I'll go so you kids can talk things through." He watched them both. "Take care yourself rookie, and see you at work, then."

Stella smiled at him and guided him out. She felt touched by the nice gesture of her partner. It felt like she was taken care of, something she hadn't used to, but it felt very good.

"Thank you, Mickey. I appreciate this very much," she thanked him.

"Solve things with him," he nodded inside the flat and was gone whistling. When Stella closed the door and turned around, she faced Mac.

"Care to explain something, Stella?"

xxx

"…And that's why Jace was there. He only wanted to see the wound," Stella explained finally all that had bothered her, placing her hand on Mac's thigh. They sat on the bed. He looked straight forward, listening to Stella. "You understood the situation wrong. Nothing happened, Mac. Nothing happened."

As Mac turned to look at Stella he didn't know whether to tell or not what he had seen.

"_You don't have to be afraid of me."_

_Jace's gaze traveled all around her feature._

"_I'm not."_

_Stella looked breathless. _

"_Then why you are trembling?"_

"_I... I'm not."_

_Her chest heaved. His hand found the base of her neck. From the doorway Mac could have sworn that she leaned against his touch. _

"_Stella..."_

_Then, he was too close to her and—_

He closed his eyes and buried his face into his hands.

"Mac?"she called him. "Mac, please. Say something. Say anything."

"I saw you, Stell. Don't lie to me." His mind blackened with jealously. The angriness and betrayal waved back and forth inside him.

Stella got pale. "I'm not lying to you! I love you. You know that."

"He was this close to you," he demonstrated and brought his face inches away from hers. "This. Close."

"…And nothing happened, Mac." she whispered, closing her eyes. "I love you."

He couldn't stand the thought of any other men touching her. The rush of jealousy engulfed him. It haunted him at nights when the darkness consumed everything. His knuckles turned to white as he grabbed her robe and his palm met her skin beneath the silk. He was too close to back away. He tasted the saltiness of her tears on her lips. She opened her mouth willingly to him and allowed him to deepen the kiss. He kissed her harder, making her yelp. He soothed her lips with a softer kiss, trailing his lips along her jaw down to her neck, over her shoulder. He was sure he left bite marks. She didn't want to stop him for she was afraid that the moment would evaporate into nothingness. She arched her back when he lowered himself to caress her breasts. She bit her lower lip to stop a moan escaping, or was it a ragged respiration, she couldn't tell. She felt his hands running on her back, until his hands reached her neck and he pulled her down on the bed. She knew exactly where it would lead.

xxx

"I'm sorry if I hurt you," she murmured and slid her fingers through the man's hair. She liked how soft his hair was. He nodded against her chest, his lips brushing along the valley of her breasts, letting her know he heard her, but otherwise he was quiet, too quiet. She knew she couldn't erase the pain, but maybe those words could be a start. She recalled Jill's words about relationships and continued talking to him until they both drifted towards a dream.

She shivered at the sudden coldness. It wasn't so dark when her eyes got used to it. She didn't blink, but tears burned in her eyes so painfully she wanted to smash something broken. She considered throwing a night lamp across the room. She stared at the ceiling above and could only concentrate to breathe in and out as if that could ease the pain what jammed in her heart. She pulled a comforter over her naked body and lay on her back, staring at the ceiling long after he was gone.

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome!**


	14. So Many Ways To Tell That I Love You P2

**A/N: This has been ready for a while, but I have been lazy and tired, so sorry for the delay. It has been a long and painful journey. Oh well, enough about my angst. I'm sorry if I have ignored someone's review. I'm very happy for the feedback, thank you! Lily, thank you for your help! Mistakes are all mine. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**13. So Many Ways To Tell That I Love You**

**Part II **

**A Winding Tendril Strangles The Heart**

Autumn, 1993. New York City

"_If I should stay, _

_I would only be in your way. _

_So I'll go, but I know _

_I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way..."_

"Turn off the radio", Mac gritted to his colleague who hummed the melody of the song. They sat in a patrol car. Even though Mac didn't see he knew the other man rolled his eyes and turned off the radio.

"Guess you ain't a fan of Whitney…"

"I've got a headache, that's all," Mac replied.

"You should see a doctor."

"Why's that?"

"You've complained about a headache for almost a week, so I guess that's getting serious, man, if you're suffering every day…" his colleague left the words hovering in the air guessing that it wasn't a headache that made Mac feel so stressed. "I don't want to be rude, but whatever is bothering you, it's better to get things settled as soon as possible. I don't like being partnered with someone who isn't focused on the job."

"_Whatever_ isn't always so simple," Mac tried to explain not saying too much for he wasn't the person who spoke about personal problems. "But I'll deal with it, okay."

His colleague nodded and they continued patrolling the streets.

xxx

Stella heard the sound of the phone ringing through the door. She managed to unlock the door with one hand as she carried grocery bags with the other.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," she murmured, placing the bag on the floor and rushed to the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Stella, it's Jace."

Stella leaned against the wall and breathed deeply. He seemed to have disappeared under ground after the accident in the bedroom. Not that she longed for his company but she didn't like how she had left him in trouble.

"What do you want?" her voice was cold, which didn't go unnoticed by him.

"What's with the cold tone, Stell?"

"You really got a nerve to call like nothing happened."

"Nothing happened," he laughed and it made Stella's blood boil.

"Keep telling that to Mac," she muttered. "Where the hell have you been anyway?"

"Been busy," he said and after a pause he continued: "I think I should talk with Mac, dontcha think?"

"He's not home." Stella gritted listening to the silence that engulfed the apartment. She wasn't sure if Jace tried to hide his mocking laugh.

"Well, well well…" he said slowly, "Let him know that I called. Okay?"

Stella smashed the phone back onto its cradle and tried to calm down. She grabbed the groceries from the floor and headed into the kitchen. She placed all in the fridge except one item. She kept staring at the small box in her hands and swallowed nervously. All the nausea and dizziness that had bothered her the last week, she recalled. She hadn't realized it until a few days ago. She was only a few days late, but there wasn't any harm in doing the test. She could be late because of the stress and the aftermath of being shot could easily cause some physical sickness. She pondered doing the test right away, but didn't have time to do it as she heard Mac coming home. She quickly put the box in her purse and turned around just in time.

"Hey." He nodded, leaning against the door frame.

"Hey." She smiled and went to kiss him. "How was your day?"

"I'm tired," his voice was thick and detached when he passed her.

"Oh," she whispered. She didn't know how long she could stand his behavior. He wasn't the man she knew. Clearing her throat, her back toward Mac, she told that Jace called him.

"Is that so?"

"You should call him, Mac."

"Why?"

"You're friends."

"And I thought we're in a relationship," he snapped back.

Stella faced Mac her eyes wide. "What that's supposed to mean?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing."

"Nothing?" she repeated. "Then why you are saying so?"

He didn't say a word.

Stella continued. "We _are_ in a relationship, Mac. We live together. We…" _are maybe having a baby_, she thought, but left the secret unsaid. It definitely wasn't the best time to talk about it.

"We what Stella?"

"Nothing," tears pooled in her eyes. "Nothing at all." With those words she disappeared in the bathroom. As the door clicked shut, she started to sob. He hadn't spoken to her gently after that night. It was rare, harsh words now and then as if he was still mad at her. She didn't know whether he hated himself for acting so roughly or her for accepting him acting that way. Sinking on the floor, she wished to skip over the torture straight to numbness.

xxx

Jace was annoyed.

The brunette, what was her name… Jeanie, leaned flush against him. They sat in the bar where they had met a week ago. She had invited her friend, Claire, along with her but she was late. He wasn't the kind of person who liked waiting. He didn't really care to meet any of Jeanie's friends but she hadn't really asked his opinion which annoyed him into a furious state. Nursing his beer, he swallowed the liquid. His thoughts were drawn to the night with Stella as he saw Mac stepping inside the God forbidden place. He couldn't believe his luck. He watched Mac going straight to the bar. Jace left Jeanie alone and ignored her protest.

"Hi, man," Jace tapped Mac's shoulder. "Good to see you."

"Jace." Mac stared at his drink.

Jace hid his sly smile well as he noticed the weariness over his friend's face. "I was planning to call you earlier, Mackie, but I've been busy lately." He grinned, pointing at Jeanie who waved back, her scarlet nail polish glimmering.

"I don't care." Mac sipped his beer, still not looking at his friend. "Get the hell away from me."

"I don't know what to say, man," Jace stated going straight to the business, "but if you think that something happened between me and your girl, you are dead wrong."

"Are you kidding with me, Jace?" Mac snapped.

"Hell no, Mackie. I wouldn't try to steal my best friend's woman."

"I saw you." Mac spit the words, his face twisted with disgust.

Jace put all his effort to save his plan. He lowered his voice so only Mac heard him. "What did you see anyway? You saw me checking Stella's wound as she was shot in the line of duty. Dontcha think I haven't seen a half naked woman before? I wasn't checking her out even though I can't deny it, she's a fine looking woman. Don't be a smart ass anymore. How many beers did you drink that night? Guess you were hallucinating because _nothing_ happened. How is she anyway? Being shot is a bitch. You should know. Have you showed her any sympathy or have you acted like a total asshole?"

_I have acted like a total asshole,_ Mac thought. "I don't know." Mac replied, mortified now after thinking over Jace's words.

"Don't know, Mackie? Well what kind of boyfriend do you think you are?" Jace mouthed, watching Jeanie rising up from her seat and heading toward the woman who stepped inside the bar. He paid attention to her honey colored hair and slender waist. My my my, she was even better than he imagined. A single and sexy flight attendant. He wasn't going to believe his luck. They headed toward the men at the bar.

"Jeanie, baby," Jace pulled the woman in his arms. "Who's this charming friend of yours?"

"I'm Claire," she said with a soft smile. Her blue eyes met Mac's. "Nice to meet you. Are you coming to the party as well?"

Mac looked puzzled.

"I haven't had time to invite him yet as I've been busy with this hot pants."

Jeanie's high laugh echoed in the bar, and Jace grimaced inwardly.

"What party?" Mac asked, not wanting to be rude to Claire.

Jace didn't have a chance to tell about the party when Jeanie had already opened her mouth.

"It's _the party_ of the year," she started and went on and on. When she finally stopped she begged Mac to come in the party.

"I'll think about it," Mac placed the empty glass on the bar. "I need to go." He glanced at Claire being polite. "It was nice to meet you."

"Don't think, just come! I'll call you the address later, okay?" Jace shouted after his departure. After those words, Jace ordered beers for them all.

xxx

Stella was curled on the sofa, a blanket over her feet. She hoped the chamomile tea would ease her headache. The only source of light was the little lamp on the sofa table. She tried to read, but after noticing that she wasn't paying attention to the text, she gave up and put the book on the table and turned off the light, falling into her thoughts. The soft, autumn rain hit the windows of their apartment. The sun had been hidden all day behind the dark shelter of clouds, and the sky broke down finally. She shivered at the thought of the coming fall, but was happy how her life had moved on with Mac. The last fall's dark time was over with small steps. Well, maybe not small steps because after the Christmas they moved together and she ended going to the therapy. She did it with the courage from Jill as it had become clear that a good friend was as valuable as any therapist. She visited regularly at her mother's grave. She startled a bit when she felt someone sitting beside her. She hadn't heard Mac coming home.

"Hey," he said quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

She heard the softness she had missed in his words. "It's okay," she moved her legs, giving him room. "I wasn't sleeping."

For a long time she watched his profile. His hair was damp because of the rain. Before she was able to say anything, Mac asked how her arm was.

"It's good."

"I saw Jace."

"Oh."

"Yeah, we talked." he sighed heavily.

"And?"

"Do you wanna go to a party tomorrow?"

She wasn't sure if she heard him correctly. She probably missed something about the conversation.

"What?"

His attempt to form a smile was weak. "He asked us to a party. His company said it will be the party of the year. It could be fun for a change. To meet other people. To go out after all this..." he didn't need to continue as Stella understood what he meant.

"Do you wanna go?"

Mac shrugged his shoulders, looking lost. "Yeah, I guess."

As much as Stella wanted to say no she kept that to herself. Whatever it took to get things back as they were… Stella moved her hand to grace the side of his face. She kissed his cheek and whispered in his ear: It's a date, then."

xxx

She captured him staring at her from the reflection of the mirror. She had spent hours in the bathroom and hoped he liked the result.

"How do I look?" She asked, turning around.

He furrowed as he took in all the details of her clothes, all the exposed curves of her body. He found him staring at her feet. The black stilettos exposed her toes. He didn't know she liked the scarlet nail polish, too.

"Uh… "

His mind still processed those stilettos.

She let out a nervous laugh. "Never mind."

"Are you really wearing those?" Mac scrubbed his face with his hands. There were so many things fighting inside him. The makeup of her eyes was different. It was so dark and smoky, making the green color of her eyes clear.

Something, he couldn't quite figure, strangled his heart.

"I bought them a long time ago, Mac."

He felt her shivering as they stepped outside and waited for a cab. His hand rested on her lower back which was definitely a good sign, Stella formed a small smile. It had been a long week. The bare skin between the waistline of her jeans and the corset vest top drew gazes. He pulled her closer, showing who was with her and couldn't ignore the strangling jealously.

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome!**


	15. So Many Ways To Tell That I Love You P3

**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay. I'm so grateful for the feedback. Thank you Lily for the help and kicking me forward. All support is very much needed. Thank you. I hope you enjoy the updates! Yes, there will another update after this.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Poor me.**

**13. So Many Ways to Tell That I Love You**

**Part III **

**I Saw Her Standing There**

Stella wasn't ready for the night.

She almost panicked as she stepped toward the entrance of the house where the party was. Something wasn't right, she thought and watched the people It was all fake, the people and their expressions, the shiny metal of cars, the cold and sterile atmosphere, the loud pulse of the music. She couldn't believe she had agreed to this, and she had been surprised to know that Mac wanted this. Did he want to meet other people? Did he want to break up with her? The choke of fear held her and she did everything to get rid of the awful sensation that ran down her spine.

The worry about what might happen between them, danced around them. It didn't show its face, but it was there, looming, in the shadows.

Fate, the inevitable sequence of events.

xxx

Mac was right behind Stella after paying the cab driver. She breathed in deeply and waited for him. She reached for his hand.

"Are you okay?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine," was her reply.

He felt her shivering as they stepped into the unknown territory.

"You sure?"

"I'm okay."

xxx

Stella tried really hard not to look pissed off as they walked into the house. She shivered as the damn air condition blow freezing air into the wide lobby. It wasn't enough that she felt cold, she was also very uncomfortable among the strange people. God, how much she wished to be home with a warm blanket wrapped around her body.

"Mac…" Stella rasped and touched Mac's arm, but Mac pointed across the room. Her hold loosened, her fingertips sliding along the surface of his shirt. Then, her fingertips grazed air.

"Jace is there," he said.

Stella noticed him, too.

"I'll meet you there," Mac said and was about to leave Stella.

"Where are you going?" Stella grabbed his arm which caused a comforting smile on Mac's face.

"I need to go to the restroom. I'll be right back. Okay?"

She nodded and watched Mac drawing away. For a moment she didn't know whether to wait for Mac or go to say hello to Jace. She sighed turning in the direction where Jace stood. Bad company was better than no company at all. The man noticed her and nodded at her. She saw him throwing a coin in the air, catching it perfectly. He repeated his gesture but this time he didn't catch the coin. The coin hit the floor, rolling toward Stella unsteadily. The coin spun around every roll slower and slower, until the movement stopped and the gravity won. It landed on its side, and Stella picked up the coin and made her way toward him.

"Stell," Jace rasped. "Good to see you. How is your arm?"

"Better every day," Stella said. "After all, it was only a scratch. Here. I think this belongs to you."

Their gazes met as she placed the coin on his palm. Her fingers brushed his skin. She held his gaze and was unable to say anything. She tried to ignore his stare which landed down on her hip and absorbed every detail of her feature. She tried to forget the spin of the coin on the floor. She tried to forget how cold his palm was.

"So, do you wanna dance?" Jace asked breaking the awkward silence.

"I don't think that's a good idea," Stella protested.

"Come on, Stell," Jace insisted. "What else is there to do? I'm pretty sure you aren't the kind of person who wants to be wasted tonight."

Stella scanned the room. "You got that right, but I really don't feel like dancing right now. Can we just go and sit somewhere?"

Jace nodded and pointed to the corner of a room. It was separated with a sheer curtain from the rest of the room. All others cubicles were occupied. "I think I understand. Mac said something about how you haven't felt well." Guiding Stella toward the booth, he didn't think twice when he placed his hand on her lower back.

_But I'll hold you tonight. I swear to God, I will hold you._

xxx

It's nothing, Mac thought watching how Jace placed his hand on Stella's back. He had just exited the restroom and got the best view of Jace and Stella disappearing toward the intimate booth. It's nothing, he repeated. Still, he was unable to stop his thoughts from wandering back to the moment when Jace had been too close to Stella in their bedroom. He had his doubts that Stella had wanted to attend to the party, but clearly he was wrong. It's a date, then, she had said to him.

_A date indeed, but with who?_ Mac gritted and searched for the closest bar.

xxx

Jace watched Stella in the dim lighting. Her outfit was the best he had seen tonight. Jeanie was no match and he regretted that he had promised to be her date tonight. They had arrived at the same time, but after she vanished to mingle in the crowd, he felt relieved to be alone. She was probably searching for him by now, but as long as she didn't disturb his moment with Stella, he was content.

He had no future with Jeanie, but as the woman was willing to keep her bed warm, he enjoyed her. He was good at pretending things.

The uncomfortable atmosphere had changed during their talking, and it felt like she liked his company. Although he couldn't ignore how many times she peeked over his shoulders to see if Mac searched for them.

"You like playing hide and seek, Jace?" A woman's sharp voice interrupted them.

"Jeanie, I was wondering where you were," Jace forced a smile on his face Jeanie seemed to ignore his comment as her attention was on Stella.

"I'm Jeanie," she introduced herself.

"Hi, I'm Stella. Nice to meet you."

Jeanie hummed at her words. "Is it?"

Jace grinned inwardly. Jeanie's comment left them in a silence as Stella was too bewildered to say anything because of Jeanie's behavior.

"Why don't you, _Jeanie_, go and get us beers?" Jace finally broke the silence. "And if you see Mac, guide him over here."

"Sure, honey," Jeanie laughed. "But it might take a while. I need to make sure Claire gets here."

"Claire is Jeanie's best friend," Jace explained to Stella.

"Oh, that's nice."

When Jeanie finally left, Jace felt relieved.

"Well, wasn't she charming?" Stella smirked.

"It's not what it looked like," Jace shook his head.

"How long have you dated?"

"We are not dating," Jace told the truth. "We are more like… how would I put it… getting to know each other."

"Does she think, too, that you are _just_ getting to know each other?" Sarcasm dripped from every nuance of her expression.

When Jace just shrugged his shoulders, Stella continued. "I think she's fallen for you."

Jace laughed: "Well, I am a dream catch…"

Stella couldn't help but snort at his playful comment. "You are so hopeless, Jace. Why don't you give her a chance? It's rude to play with someone's feelings."

"She's not the one," Jace opened his heart. "She thinks we're more, but we aren't." He said this a little angrily. "I've never promised her anything. I've never promised her a golden ring, a house and—"

"Do you really think that's all women want?" Stella interrupted him, her temper rising as well. "Do you really think love is all about material items or based on just physical attractions?" Stella leaned against the back of the sofa, her hand resting on her stomach. "Love is so much more. It goes beneath your skin—"

"Do you know what's beneath my skin, Stell?" His back straightened and his eyes darkened. He hoped she remembered their proximity in the bedroom before Mac interrupted him, but he couldn't tell for sure what she thought about him.

"Only you know, Jace."

"Then, why are you speaking to me like I've never been in love?"

Hearing the fire in his words, Stella got serious. "Jace, I'm sorry. I just… I just thought that by the way you act you will never want to give a chance to anyone."

He clenched his fists so he didn't reach for her to hold her because at that moment the need to tell her about his feelings was overwhelming. Why didn't she get it? Why was it so hard to believe that he wanted to be loved, too? As much as he tried to hide the need, it was there all right. It was all there, beneath his skin. Why didn't she understand that she was the one?

"What gave you the impression that I haven't given a chance to someone already?"

xxx

"Goddamn."

Mac heard a woman cursing beside him. He turned his head to the left and witnessed Jace's company, Jeanie, standing at the bar. She reached for the beer bottles, her face twisted with hate. Her lips were a narrow line.

"Hey." Mac nodded.

Jeanie was a bit startled when she was greeted.

"Oh, hi… Mac, right?" She recalled. "Glad you made it to the party."

"I wouldn't miss this fun for the world."

Mac's sarcastic words didn't go unnoticed by Jeanie.

"Problems?"

Mac shrugged his shoulders. He rarely opened his heart.

"Been there, done that." Jeanie stated peeking at the direction where Jace and Stella where. "The poison prince is looking for you. All though I'm not sure if he wants to be disturbed anyhow."

Mac didn't understand. "The poison prince?"

Jeanie rolled her eyes like she was tired of explaining things. "Jace. My friend Claire, the one you met, says that Jace isn't The Right One for me. She says he's a poison prince - too good to be true. Guess she's right. I don't know."

Mac took a sip of her beer. "Why's that? Why wouldn't he be good for you?"

"I'm not stupid, Mac. I can see when I'm not wanted and clearly he doesn't need my company _now_. Like _she_ would be right for him," she snorted.

Mac asked for more information.

"She said her name is Stella. Like what kind of name is that?" Jeanie spat furiously. "As soon as I mingled with my friends he's out there to fish for company. I searched and searched for him everywhere. Where do I find him? Sitting in a booth with some bird..." She whined. "Oh, I'll never find a man of my dreams…"

Mac listened to her wrath toward men, but his thoughts traveled with the speed of light.

"I'm sure it's nothing," he mumbled and continued saying that he needed fresh air. He grabbed another beer bottle and left Jeanie alone. On his way toward the balcony he heard a woman saying his name but he didn't pay much attention to it. The woman shrugged her shoulders and waved at Jeanie.

"Hi!"

"Claire. Oh, I'm so glad you're here."

"Wasn't that Jace's friend?" she asked after hugging her friend.

"Uh-huh," Jeanie replied. "Mac. Or Mackie. That's what Jace calls him."

Claire watched behind her and smiled. "He's cute."

"Isn't he?" Jeanie smiled. "Too bad you said it first."

Claire placed her purse on the bar and leaned against it. "Too bad he didn't notice me."

"You go get him, girl," Jeanie winked but got serious. "I got a serious problem to deal with."

"Jace?"

Jeanie nodded. "Who else?"

"Well, I'll go see what Mac thinks about the amazing moonlight…" Claire left the words hovering, but by looking at her friend's face she knew exactly she understood.

xxx

"Get the party started!" Jeanie got back with the beers. She handed bottles to Jace and Stella but was slightly irritated when Stella said no.

"Come on," she whined. "It's just a beer."

"Yeah, well I think I'll save that for later, but thank you Jeanie." Stella stated for the last time. It was better for her to get out of the situation before she said something nasty.

"Excuse me," she apologized. "I need to go the bathroom," and left.

Jace watched Stella going. He turned to look at Jeanie who drank beer.

"Why were you so mean to her?"

"I was not." She retorted.

"Fuck's sake, Jeanie, don't play stupid," Jace said angrily.

Jeanie's voice was unsteady as she explained how she didn't like him finding company while they were together.

"You think we're together?" Jace's laugh was cold. "Where the hell have you got that idea from?"

"I- I- I…" Jeanie stammered.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too." Jace stood up. "And about my company." Jace kept laughing. "Stella happens to be Mac's girlfriend and they live together."

"Mac's girlfriend?" Jeanie coughed her beer.

"Yes, Mac girlfriend," Jace imitated. "What there is hard to understand?"

"Nothing," Jeanie swallowed and took a sip of her beer. "Nothing at all."

xxx

It took a long time to find the bathroom and an even longer time to get in as Stella wasn't the only one in line. When she finally locked the door and placed her purse on the sink, she remembered suddenly what it held. She decided to take the test. With her hands trembling, she opened the purse, took out the test and sat on the toilet seat. She read the information and proceeded just like the instructions said. Her heart hammered inside her chest as she waited for the result. She read the information again. Was it two lines that told about the pregnancy or just one? As she watched the test and read the directions she got her answers. She tossed the test into the garbage can and washed her hands.

So, this is what it felt like, she stared at herself from the mirror.

xxx

Mac leaned against the railing of the terrace, sipping his beer. He began to feel the effect of the drinks and he welcomed the sore numbness. The moon was pale, lonely, against the dark blanket. He stared at it and didn't notice that he was accompanied by a woman.

"It's a beautiful view."

Mac turned around and faced Claire whose smile reached into her eyes. Her blonde, honey-coloured hair fell along her shoulders. She nodded toward the sky and sipped her drink.

"It's a full moon."

Mac looked in the same direction and agreed.

She came beside Mac, their arms almost brushing against each other. The music was loud in the apartment, the bass rhythm very clear. Somehow her proximity wasn't unwanted.

"So you made it after all."

"I didn't want to miss _the party of the year_," Mac said dryly.

"Jeanie has a habit to overact about everything. But it makes me wonder though," she started "if the party isn't a success after all."

"Why's that?"

"Here you are all by yourself." She made a sad face.

Mac smiled at her. "Just cooling off."

"Cooling off?" she wondered and shrugged her slender shoulders, making her hair fall along her neck. "Interesting."

"I just wanted to be alone for a moment." Mac pointed toward the apartment.

Claire's smile faded. "If I'm disturbing you…" she was about to leave.

"No. You're not disturbing me at all. As I said, I'm just cooling off."

"Okay." Claire smiled and returned to her earlier position.

xxx

Mixed sensations whirled inside Stella as she thought about the result. She was happy that her condition explained the nausea and tiredness but on the other hand the pregnancy wasn't planned. She had no idea what Mac might think about it. She closed her eyes, her hand traveling across her stomach. A joyful smile danced on her features. She was pregnant.

Stella tried to find Mac but the gang of dancers around her didn't help her at all. She pushed her way through the people, looking around, hoping to see him somewhere. She turned around frustrated.

"Stella!" She heard her name and a hand on her shoulder. She faced Jace who was grinning. "You like the party?"

"Have you seen Mac?" she shouted so he would hear her.

"Nope," Jace replied, pulling her onto the dance floor. "You need to relax!"

"No, I need to talk with him," she protested and slipped from his hold. "Help me to find him, Jace. This is important!"

Jace wanted to say a thing or two about Mac, but kept his mouth shut and involuntarily followed Stella.

xxx

Her laugh bubbled deep from her throat.

"Oh, your humor is dry, Mac." Claire touched his arm, sliding her fingers up and down, and stepped closer. "It's a good sign in a man."

Mac sighed staring into her eyes. "Yeah?"

"Definitely." Her breath hit his skin.

"Some don't appreciate it," he muttered.

She took the beer bottle from his hand and drank the rest of it. "Well, I do. I appreciate a lot of things."

xxx

She saw him.

"Mac!" she shouted but it was useless and the loud rhythm of music drowned her voice.

She saw him on the terrace.

"Mac!"

Stella thought she moved in slow motion but it was only her mind tricking her.

Oh, he wasn't alone.

All around were shadows, sheer curtains, bodies moving in sync, laughs, and the loud bass music pulsating. Her instincts were hyper alerted. The blood rushed in her ears, and adrenaline kicked through her veins. The stress of the situation got to her. A wave of dizziness washed over her and she stumbled slightly. She had seen him and it was all too late to stop him.

It was her mind processing the unbearable.

xxx

When Claire was close enough, she pressed her palm against Mac's chest. It was broad, firm beneath her hand. His warmth radiated through his shirt. This guy was cute. A few strands of hair escaped along the side of her face. Without knowing why, he slid his fingers through the honey of her hair and brushed the strands behind her ear. She smiled and leaned in to kiss him. It was just an innocent touch against his lips, but the warmth of his lips against hers demanded more. She tasted the remains of beer. She hushed his words against his mouth. As short as she intended the kiss to be it didn't end.

xxx

Jace's lips curled into a wicked smile, his green eyes gleamed dangerously in the darkness, watching how the lips melted together. The shadow of the couple formed into one. He heard Stella gasping in shock beside him. A twisted triumph of joy pounced inside him and he barely could hide it. How had he been so stupid to let this happen, he couldn't figure out. Watching how his friend ruined the best thing in his life, he took the best view of it. He had always had everything. _Everything._ And now that stupid, careless man was unaware of the fact that they were watched. Drunk with the other woman's attractions and kissing her, he sealed their destiny.

xxx

Stella's face twisted in agony. Disbelief played clearly on her features as she watched them, and Jace enjoyed every second of the time. She didn't seem to notice the way his hand travelled around her shoulders, upwards till his fingers reached the nape of her neck.

God, her skin was so soft beneath the hairline. He couldn't believe he was touching her, not too roughly, but in the way a close friend could comfort. He leaned closer, so close that his lips almost touched her temple. He had the scent of her alluring him in every way.

_She will be mine._

She didn't have the power to beg him to stop, so he had the opportunity to take everything from the moment that offered the first day of the rest of his life. She breathed heavily through her nostrils, and she couldn't get enough oxygen. Stars filled her vision and the bile rose in her throat while she witnessed another woman in his arms.

Then, she was gone.

xxx

Mac pulled from the kiss rapidly and in shock.

"I'm sorry," he breathed. "I- I'm sorry… I can't do…"

Claire watched the regret on his face, stepping toward the man. "Hey, it's no big deal. Don't' worry about it."

Mac smile was tight as he watched her. "I need to go. I need to.. uh…" with those words Mac left her standing at the terrace.

When Mac got inside the house, he met Jace right away. The men looked at each other.

"Having a good time, Mackie?" Jace smile was sly.

Mac ignored him. "Have you seen Stella?"

It never occurred to him to tell the truth.

"I saw her standing there," he pointed across the room and after witnessing Mac disappearing to look for Stella, he made his way out of the party place and vanished into the night.

xxx

Stella leaned over the toilet seat, throwing up everything she had eaten that evening. The nausea whirled inside her body vigorously and she trembled like a leaf in stormy weather. She could barely breathe as the pain of the image wouldn't leave her alone. It was printed in her mind for the whole of her life.

It was all over.

Pressing her face against the cold floor, she closed her eyes, hoping to wake up from the horrible dream she had ended up in. She didn't have time to gather herself as she heard a knock on the door. She tried to ignore the sound, but as it went on and on, she hauled herself from the floor and went to open the door.

"Go away," Stella cried seeing Jace in the corridor. "Just leave me alone."

"This ain't happening, Stell." Jace stepped inside the apartment. "I can't believe he did this to you."

Stella watched him pacing in the living room like a caged animal.

"What do you care anyway?"

"I do care, and, Stella," Jace said sadly, "I think you should know the truth."

_Oh, God, what else there was to come?_ Stella's heart skipped a beat.

"What are you saying, Jace?"

Jace buried his face into his hands, acting well his role. "I saw them leaving together, Stella. I tried to stop him, I did, but he just…"

"He just what?" tears rolled down her cheeks.

Jace turned to watch her as he sealed the deal. "He said you were over."

"Oh." Was all she was able to say.

Jace closed her in his arms. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

To his surprise it really wasn't. The evening was a success after all. Jeanie breathing down his neck had almost suffocated him but he had finally got rid of her. Yet she had done the best favor to him but that was something he wasn't aware of. He hadn't needed to do anything to sabotage Mac and Stella's relationship. Everything had gone so well, and he would make sure that his luck would continue in one way or another.

"Leave him, Stella. Leave him and let him taste his own medicine." Jace said his voice strong and cold, placing his palms against her cheeks. He swallowed, watching those green eyes watering. "He isn't worth of your tears."

"You don't know everything—" she gulped.

"He hurt you. I saw them leaving together. God, Stella! Can you look at him anymore knowing that he fucked that woman—"

"Stop it!" she cried, burying her face against his shoulder. "Please, don't say it!"

Smoothing her back, Jace watched their reflections from the mirror. He easily pictured them elsewhere. In that dream she didn't cry; they were just a couple in love embracing each other.

She was about give in, he grinned at himself. He played his role well, but it wasn't over yet. He needed to get her away soon, get away from Mac so he couldn't explain and straight his version, and for that he got the perfect plan.

Just as he thought everything was going to go as well as he had planned, he heard her saying three words.

"Jace, I'm pregnant."

That was something he definitely hadn't considered.

xxx

Jill woke up to the sound of the loud knocking on the door. She hauled herself from the bed and grabbed her robe. She rushed the stairs down, almost stumbling over the lowest step. The clock on the wall told it was two a.m in the morning. For a moment she thought something had happened to her children. It made her heart beat twice its speed. She drew the door open. She was more than surprised to see Stella in a state that made her skin crawl. The younger woman practically fell into her arms, her hair matted wetly on her forehead, her skin pale as a sheet. She sobbed uncontrollably, and Jill couldn't understand anything what she tried to tell her.

"Good God, what happened?" Jill helped her inside the house. She pulled a blanket over her shoulders, but that didn't stop her shivering. Her eyes were red clearly because of crying.

"What happened?" she asked again while helping her to sit on the sofa.

"It's over." Stella's voice cracked.

"What's over?"

"I left Mac."

At two a.m. wasn't the best time to get such shocking news. Jill shook her head as if she heard the younger woman's words wrong.

"What are you saying? You've left Mac?"

Another burst of sobs escaped and it took awhile to get her voice steady. "I left Mac. They… Oh God! I saw her… standing… there…"

"Stella, I can't understand you." Jill shook her head.

"I saw him with her…" the river of tears was endless as Stella tried to explain the events of the night.

"Are you sure he left with her?" Jill frowned listening to Stella's shadow words.

Stella nodded, never doubting Jace's honesty. She leaned against Jill's shoulders, letting her breathing steady. But it was hard as there was so much on her heart in a state she was. It wasn't just about her anymore. She was pregnant. The thought made her sob again, and Jill did her best to comfort her. Something permanently had shattered inside her as she had seen him kissing another woman. She would never forgive him. She would never forget his actions. As much as she tried to live her life without him in the hazy state she was in, the sorrow of a future without him felt overwhelming. She needed to get away. Jace was right. She could never look into Mac's eyes knowing he had betrayed her. She could never pretend to happy. She mumbled something that Jill didn't hear.

"What?"

Life changed direction and the pain wrung her heart in its invisible grasp.

"I need to get away. I need to disappear. Help me, Jill. Help me to disappear."

**Tbc**

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**Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome!**


	16. The Chain That Doesn't Break

**A/N: I'm so happy that this story is going somewhere now. Enjoy!:)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**14. The Chain That Doesn't Break**

The 21st of July, 2003, Oregon

The house was quiet when Jill got up from a sofa, noticing how tired she was. The latest Medical Journal she had read had fallen on the floor, startling the Siberian husky, Trick who stretched on the floor. Her grandchildren had been picked up by their parents, her daughter and her son-in-law. Eli had protested the most, being a little tearful as he said goodbyes with Vera. Vera had been quiet all night, reading the books Stella had bought. She hadn't much paid attention to anything else as she had fallen in love with the world of Greek mythology. Jill knew Stella had never seen the country of her mother, and that it inspired her to know the tales and stories that had fascinated people all around the world and she wanted to pass it all to her daughter.

It was close to midnight when Jill turned off the lights.

"Come on boy. Let's go to sleep."

The dog waved its tail and jogged after Jill but stopped suddenly. Jill stopped, too. The sound was barely audible, but she heard the low humming of the approaching car. Trick barked sharply.

"Keep quiet, boy."

Hunched, Trick ran toward the main door followed by Jill. It was dark inside the cottage as well as outside. A man stepped out off the vehicle and headed toward the door. For a moment Jill was afraid that it was Stella's ex husband, but as she kept staring at the male figure she was relieved to know that it wasn't him. Still, it bothered her who the person was. Trick growled, and Jill sent the dog into another room.

"Stay," she commanded, and Trick sat down staring at the closing door. She turned on the porch light. Her heart jumped but she carefully opened the door.

"Jill Cameron?" she heard a voice which she didn't recognize.

"I am." Jill spoke, and the man stepped closer into the light. "Oh Lord! It's you!"

They stared at each other for a long time, giving Jill time to recover. Mac Taylor stood in front of her. He had his sleeves rolled up on his forearms, a badge rested against his black trousers, sweat pearled on his forehead.

"Hello Jill," Mac started. "It's been a long time since we met."

xxx

As she began to hear voices from downstairs, Vera put her book away and rose up from the bed. She recognized Jill's voice but there was another, a male voice that she didn't know. It wasn't her father's voice. She walked carefully toward the stairs and sneaked her way down. She saw a dark haired man standing in the hallway speaking with Aunt Jill and got the impression that he wasn't a stranger. A badge rested on his hip but the man had no gun, Vera noticed.

"…_it's been really long time, Mac."_

"…_Sorry to bother you so late, Jill, but I have some questions…"_

"… _if I can help you."_

Vera listened to their conversation. Jill voice trembled a bit as if she was shocked to meet the man. They walked further inside and Vera came down the stairs. She sneaked inside the room where Trick sat still obeying his mistress.

"Good boy." She tapped the dog's head gently. "Stay here." Then she exited the room. She heard the low growling behind the door as Trick protested at being left in the room.

"Vera," Jill breathed as the girl appeared in her vision. Mac turned around and saw the curly haired, deep sky-blue eyed girl. She looked intently at the man. "Who are you?"

He opened his mouth, but closed it. His mind raced with the velocity that made his head ache. His mind tried to process the possibility.

"Mac," he rasped. The expression of shock lingered on his features. "I'm Mac."

"Hello Mac." Her voice was so small. "I'm Vera." The shades of heaven reflected in the girl's eyes. She tilted her head a bit, observing the man. "Are you a police officer?"

"Vera. You should be sleeping," Jill interrupted. "Go to bed."

But Vera acted like she didn't hear Jill's soft order. "Are you Aunt Jill's friend?"

"I'm a detective," he gave his badge to the little girl who studied the given item with a fascinated look. "And yes, I'm Aunt Jill's friend but also Stella's. She's your mother, isn't she?"

Vera's eyes brightened as she heard her mother's name. "My mom is a police officer and she has this, too." She handed the badge back to the police man and said with a sad voice that her mother was in New York.

"Vera…" Jill tried, her heart shattering.

"I'm from New York, too." Mac spoke to Vera.

"I'll move there. Mom promised me." Vera announced.

"It's a big city," Mac stated, smiling. "Lots of cool stuff."

"Tell me!"

Jill put her hands over Vera's shoulders. "Okay young lady. It's late and no one is telling any stories tonight. Go to bed, sweetie. I'll tuck you in."

Vera obeyed Jill but not so willingly. "Hey Mac."

"Yeah?"

"Can you tell me about the city tomorrow? So I know where to take mom."

"Uh, sure, but only if it's okay with Jill." Mac glanced at Jill.

Jill got Vera's attention: "Aunt Jill? Ple-a-se? Pretty please?"

Jill couldn't help but smile. "It's okay if you go to bed. Now."

Vera nodded, smiling, and wished a good night to the grownups.

"Good night," Mac said and watched as the girl stepped up the stairs.

"Please, sit down. I'll be right back." Jill vanished out of his sight.

Mac did what she told. There were so many things running inside his heart. He breathed through his nostrils as he couldn't get enough air; the knowledge hit him so hard it blew all air out of his lungs.

xxx

Jill hid the trembling of her hands well as she tucked Vera into bed. She wished her good night and kissed the girl's forehead before making her way downstairs. She stopped for a moment, trying to steady her rapid heartbeats. She wondered if Stella knew anything about Mac's sudden visit and came to the conclusion that she probably didn't. For a moment she was tempted to call her, but looking at the waiting man downstairs she didn't. She shook her head, breathing deeply.

_Good God, let this end well._

Years had gone by so quickly since Stella had arrived at her house in New York, breaking down in her arms, crying heavily. From that moment the chain had began to form and led to this moment. She had never really accepted Stella's decision. She had tried to talk sense to her, hoping that eventually she understood that _he_ needed to hear to truth, but she was unaware of the dangerous thoughts of other man and the impact of his actions between the lovers. The truth had pieces shattered all around, and only now did it begin to take the form that should have been there from the beginning. Suddenly she felt the weight of the years inside her heart and couldn't stop tears forming in her eyes.

The chain that doesn't break.

xxx

"So, how long has she stayed here?" Mac asked as Jill came back. He had many questions which required answers, Jill was sure.

"Uh, this summer," Jill replied and went into a room where Trick was. She let the dog outside the room.

"He is kind, but let him get to know you first."

Mac sat on the sofa and let the dog smell his hands. The dog panted and sat beside Mac's feet.

"He likes you." Jill chuckled. Mac patted the dog. Jill sat on another sofa in the living room.

"Does Stella know you are here?" she asked.

"No."

"I thought so. How did you find—" Jill started but didn't end her sentence. "You're a detective. You find out everything, don't you?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Mac replied with a strangled tone in his voice. "But I didn't find Stella back then."

"Maybe she didn't want to be found," Jill mumbled, but Mac heard her.

"Did you know where she was?"

"Mac." She witnessed the torn look on the man's face. "Please don't ask me that."

But that didn't stop him asking: "Did you know why she left?"

"You need to talk with Stella."

_Is she mine?_ He wasn't sure if he said the words out loud. By the look on her face he realized that the words had slipped out of his mouth.

"Mac…" Jill began.

"I didn't know…" Mac rasped, his mind processing. "How old is Vera? Eight? Nine?"

Jill lowered her gaze as she didn't bear the desperation in his eyes.

"Jill, please…"

"She's nine, Mac." Jill replied, her eyes watering, and rose up from her seat. "Listen, I know you want answers, but I think it's better to get some rest now. Come on, I'll show you a room where you can sleep. I bet you're tired after traveling all way from the big apple."

"It's okay, I haven't slept much lately." Mac mumbled, but followed her anyway.

"_It runs in the family",_ Jill thought and wished him good night.

xxx

The morning arrived too quickly. Jill hauled herself from the bed, heading toward the kitchen. To her surprise the coffee was ready in the pot. Mac sat beside the kitchen table.

"I couldn't get sleep." He sighed in answer to the questioning look Jill had on her face.

Jill accepted a mug he offered and poured a cup of the steaming liquid. Trick jogged into the kitchen. Jill tapped the dog's head.

"Morning boy."

Trick barked and headed toward the door.

"Will you let the dog out, please?" she asked Mac.

While Mac let the dog slip out, Jill prepared breakfast for them all. They ate, being polite speaking about the careful subjects like weather. The silence suffused them eventually up to the moment when Vera stepped down the stairs and ended up sitting on a kitchen chair. She was still sleepy.

"Morning dear." Jill kissed the top of Vera's head.

"Mo-oor-ning", Vera yawned, resting her head against the surface of the table. Mac barely managed to hide his chuckle.

"What do you want to have for breakfast?" Jill asked.

"Orange juice, please," Vera mumbled against the table. Jill searched in the fridge.

"Anything else?"

"Hmm…"

"Vera?" The sharp tone in Jill's voice got some action to the girl as she waited her reply to what she wanted to eat.

"Muffins!"

Jill burst into laugh shaking her head. "Nice try, kiddo."

Vera overacted being disappointed. "Why not? Mom lets me eat muffins."

"Ah, you put the 'mommy lets me' card on the table." Jill chuckled offering a glass of juice to the girl. Vera took a sip of it, pondering her odds to win. She looked at Mac.

"What did you eat?"

"Full corn bread and coffee," the man replied.

"Yak, coffee." Vera twisted her face. "Yak."

Mac nodded understandably agreeing that he didn't like that either when he was child. He liked orange juice though.

"What about the bread?" Mac suggested. "If you eat your breakfast, maybe we can go out and eat muffins for early dessert? If I recall, you asked me to tell you about New York." He glanced at Jill, hoping that she wouldn't object to his suggestion.

Vera pondered that for a moment and looked at Jill who nodded her approval. Mac was pretty sure she noticed a small smile on her face before she turned around making a sandwich for Vera.

After Vera vanished to change clothes in her room, Jill told about Vera's poor appetite.

"…and I don't think Stella lets her eat muffins for breakfast every day. Maybe on Saturday mornings but not every day." Jill thought out loud.

"Saturday mornings?"

Jill laughed, recalling. "The times Stella had weekends off from work she spoiled Vera. They spent Saturday mornings in bed eating muffins and reading stories about Greek gods."

As Mac didn't say anything, fascinated to know more, Jill continued saying simply "Athena."

"What?" Mac had to ask.

"Her favorite goddess," Jill explained. She held more information in her words. "She adores her."

"I don't doubt that at all." Mac believed in the force of the Greek Goddess.

xxx

Jill watched through the kitchen window the people sitting on the dock beside the lake. Trick, the Husky ran and hopped around them, hoping to have a play mate. Vera protested at the behavior of the husky by throwing a toy as far as she could, but soon the dog was back with the toy for another run. Mac laughed and took the toy and threw it further away. Trick rushed after the toy and left the people alone for a longer time before it was back with the toy. It was an endless game.

Jill didn't know what to do. Her heart ached for the family that had never been together, yet the father and the daughter sat on the dock beneath the beautiful velvet sky with puffy clouds hiding the sun talking about the city where Stella was unaware of what happened in the place Vera was born.

"Good God, let this end well… " Jill repeated the words reaching for her phone while sitting beside the kitchen table.

xxx

Stella was just about to enter the office when her phone rang. She looked at the display and replied happily to the call of her friend.

"Hi, Jill."

Jill greeted Stella but by the nervous tone in her voice Stella knew something wasn't right. Stella walked further inside the office and sat on the chair listening to the chaos exploding inside her heart.

"He did what?" She rose up from her seat.

"_Mac is here, Stella. He arrived here last night." _Jill repeated her news.

"Oh God." Slipped from Stella.

Jill listened to her friend and calmed her down. _"Everything is okay, Stella. Listen to me now, my dear. Mac didn't tell me not to tell you about his visit, but by the shock you seem to have, you didn't know about this at all."_

"No," Stella whispered. "I knew he left somewhere, but I never thought… How did he find out the place?"

"_Well, he is a detective, isn't he?" _

"Jill, this isn't funny!"

"_I'm sorry, my dear. I just wanted to tell you this. We're okay, there's no need to worry about it—"_

"There is _every_ need to worry about this mess. This is _not_ what I planned. How on earth did he know— Ah, never mind." Stella began and ended a sentence as she couldn't form any coherent thoughts, but one thing was clear in her mind. "How is Vera? Has she met him?"

"_I'm watching them sitting on a dock."_ A soft laughed escaped from Jill. _"She got to know that he is from New York so you probably guess what has been the topic for her to talk about."_ Jill stopped a moment before continuing hesitatingly. _"Speaking about the truth, he was more than upset about what he discovered here."_

"Did you tell him?" Stella closed her eyes and tears burnt behind her eyelashes.

"_Stella, I didn't have to."_

Jill words sealed Stella's plan. She needed to get there as soon as possible.

xxx

Mac listened to Vera's story about the deal she and Eli had done.

"…Are police officers afraid of anything, Mac?" Vera asked tilting her head so her long hair fell along her small shoulders. She reminded him of her mother very much.

"We all have our fears," Mac replied.

"What are you afraid of, Mac? Mommy says that she is afraid of spiders," the girl got chills and admitted she didn't like them either.

Truthfully, watching how the sunshine reflected from the blue of Vera's eyes, Mac answered: "I don't want anything bad happen to the people I care about."

Vera seemed to ponder that in silence, and that gave an opportunity to Mac to study Vera's appearance. When Vera put her hair in a ponytail her neck exposed something glimmering that caught Mac's attention. First he thought he imagined it, but it wasn't the sun shine's illumination making tricks. No, he saw the silver necklace well. His heart skipped a beat, causing the stillness spreading all over his body. From that moment he was drawn back to his childhood home, to his room, onto the bed with the mother of the girl and to the moment when he handed his Christmas present to her.

He had never forgotten the Greek word.

_S'agapo. _

Now it was there, around Vera's neck, the silver, rectangular pendant that read, simply, in Greek I love you.

_I will always keep this, Mac. Close to my heart._

The calm inside him was just an illusion. The waves disappearing, the surface defined by the gentlest of ripples. The watercolors deepened by the moment, and the sun promising up at the sky.

Stella words echoed in his ears.

_I will always keep this, Mac._

_Close to my heart._

_Vera? _

Blood rushed every passed minute and he couldn't do anything but look at the girl who babbled back to the story about Eli's silly fear of dragonflies. He couldn't breathe. His nostrils flared as he tried to slow down his pulse.

"Vera?" he interrupted her.

"What?" there was annoyance in Vera's voice as she was just about to tell the best part why _she_ liked dragonflies.

"Where did you get the pretty necklace?"

"Oh" the girl touched the slate and watched Mac. "This? Mommy gave it to me last year. It was a Christmas present. She said this is a special necklace."

"Why's that?" Mac rasped.

"Because it says s'agapo." Vera told and added quickly that it's Greek.

He didn't trust himself to open his mouth, so he nodded, keeping his lips pressed together.

"It means I love you." dragonflies forgotten, Vera played with the necklace a sad look on her face staring somewhere deep in the water. Her words filled the silence. "I miss mommy."

The magnitude of it all was too much to process, yet the calm inside him hadn't formed into a tempest. The laps at the compacted sand retreated, the flow of the water soothing. Content of the haven he had reached, the air stilled, and for the longest time he sat there with his child.

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading! What did you think about the end?:) Feedback is always welcome! **


	17. The Shades of Winter

**A/N: I'm sorry for the delay. I'm lazy, I know. Thank you Lily for reading this through. Mistakes are all mine. The title of the part 1 is from Winter Song by Sara Bareilles. I can't get over the sadness of the song and it helped me writing the chapter.  
**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
**

**15. The Shades of Winter**

**Part 1 December Never Felt So Wrong 'Cause You're Not Where You Belong**

The 24th of December 1993 till the end of January 1994

Mac stopped outside the house in Chicago. As he turned the key in the ignition, the engine died. He sat in the car, watching the snowflakes fall onto the windscreen. The floury flakes piled up and coated the glass. His heart felt heavy in many ways. He was reminded of her, and suddenly there were the thoughts about her circling in his head. His thoughts were as heavy as the floating snowflakes. They floated painfully slow until they reached the cold ground where nothing lived in winter time.

She haunted his dreams, and he simply couldn't understand her reasons for leaving without saying a goodbye. He thought they had been good after solving their problems, but after arriving home from the party, he had faced the emptiness of their apartment. He hadn't been sober that night, but seeing the empty closets he had felt horribly sober. She had only taken her clothes, but at the same time she had taken everything. For weeks and weeks he tried to find her, calling hospitals, going to see her friend, but she was nowhere to be found. It seemed like she disappeared under the ground. He knew he was going insane, the desperation visible in his attempts to find her, and as much as Jace tried to help him get over Stella by taking him to see people and telling him that she wasn't worth his worries, deep in his heart he missed her.

xxx

December had never felt so wrong. The days of the winter were the darkest. Some days were better, some days not. Sometimes tears filled her eyes too easily and she couldn't bring herself to get up from the bed. Life had lost its meaning now he was gone. But life went on, no matter how painful everything was without him beside her. She found herself smiling, recalling, remembering, and thinking about the future. Soon, the time of life would change into a new, spring that would make everything bloom. Maybe then, it would be easier to breathe, too. But nothing at the moment, she thought, could take the pain away of losing the love of your life. She would always love him. No matter what. She would always love him.

xxx

Stella's palm lay on her belly. She rested beneath the heavy blankets and watched the flames of the fire. A cup of steaming, hot tea on the table. She had made a bed in the living room for it was the coldest night since she had come to Jill's cottage a few months ago. She felt herself more tired lately, and it wasn't helping that there was somebody dancing on her bladder. She was very much pregnant and had got used to the fact that her body changed every week as the baby grew, but it all amazed her. She thought about the fact that she wouldn't be alone and there would be a small baby to be taken care off.

Would she be a good mother? She couldn't tell. She was afraid that she couldn't do anything right. She didn't have any friends or a mother to help her to figure out how much the new life would change her life. What if something happened to her? But she had Jill, and wasn't she a life savior. She wouldn't be completely alone. As much as she tried not to think about a certain man across the country her mind traveled. Her heart full of heaviness she couldn't understand why he hadn't called her. It all was blurry since she left. She breathed in deeply, her palm resting on her belly. He hadn't even cared to read her letter.

xxx

_Mac,_

_When you read this I'll be gone. Well, not completely, but I'm not in your life anymore. I might be far away but distance never kills my love for you. I don't know where you are now, but I hope you are happy. I'll try to be, because I always carry a part of you with me. Maybe someday I'll have the opportunity to explain but at this moment it all is too much. It was the hardest thing, to leave you but what I saw it didn't leave me any chances. I hope you are happy with her. I really do, because that doesn't change my love for you. It makes me sadder, I have to admit that, but the years we were together taught me that the purest love goes beyond this universe. I love you. It's the simplest truth._

_Stella._

xxx

Jace read her words repeatedly while resting on a narrow bed. The flight over the country from New York City to Portland had been long, but he decided this as soon as the dust landed. His rental car stood outside the motel in the small town called Sandy. After a moment of resting he would leave. He had the address and after a bit of flirting with the reception lady, who was as tacky as the hotel was, he got the best driving direction.

He felt the coldness reaching in to the crappy hotel room. The coldness was something unbearable. He adjusted the heat higher, but that piece of shit seemed to be broken. The room was dim but he didn't need to see the words as he had imprinted them in his mind. His plan had worked after all, his smile was sly. She had scared him for staying so long in the bedroom, because he had been afraid that Mac would appear any minute. First he thought she was packing all her stuff, but as he had gone to check what the hell took so long, there she was, sitting on the edge of the bed, sobbing like a widow.

xxx

_She turned her head and tears fell along her cheeks like an endless river._

"_Jace, I can't do this—"_

"_Stella!" He sat beside her. "I saw them. I saw them leaving together. He doesn't deserve you. Let him taste his own medicine. Let him know what the pain is."_

_The woman's lower lip trembled as she breathed in heavily as if the air had drained away. The piece of paper in her hands caught his attention._

"_What that?" He asked kind of rudely. _

"_It's just a… a… letter…" Stella folded the paper and was about to place it over the night table when Jace kindly took a hold of her hand. _

"_I can give this to him." He met her eyes, putting the letter into to the pocket of his jeans. "I want to see him reading your words. But Stella, now you have to go…" _

_He dropped her off at some friend's place. The house looked like a mansion, he recalled thinking. Her friend was probably some up town rich bitch. Driving back toward the city he was more than happy. _

_He couldn't believe how awfully naïve Stella was giving the letter into his hands. Did she really think he would give it to Mac? Never in a million years would he do such a stupid thing. Over his dead body, he thought watching toward the panorama that exposed the city. _

xxx

Recalling what had happened a few months ago, Jace packed his belongings and made his way toward the door. The drive wouldn't take long. In a couple of hours he would get to spend their first Christmas together, alone, in a deserted place that stood far away from everything.

xxx

Stella stirred from her sleep. The sound of a car engine woke her up. She frowned, trying to figure out what the time was and who had gotten lost. Many had arrived to spend the holidays at their cottages around the area, and there had been a few guests who had gotten lost.

She had agreed with Jill that she would arrive at New Year's Eve. She had insisted spending the Christmas alone. No, she didn't mind if she were completely alone in the cottage that got cold in the mornings if the fire wasn't still burning. She was a survivor, she had reminded Jill.

Focusing, she saw the time. It was half past ten in the evening. She hauled herself up and wrapped the blanket around her body. She headed toward the main door.

xxx

Jace breathed in as he survived the drive along the narrow road to the cottage. He parked the car next to the pick-up car that stood in front of a shed. He wasn't sure if the place was right. Maybe he needed to ask somewhere. There were lights on in many cottages, so he wasn't out in the woods. Jace looked at the two-layered cottage that was sheltered by the trees. Heavy blankets of snow covered them, and the braches tilted toward the roof of the cottage. He stood up from the vehicle and was enveloped by the freezing air. His breathing steamed. He regretted of not taking his quilted jacket along. While walking on a narrow, ploughed path toward the cottage he witnessed a figure through the window moving inside the cottage. From that distance he wasn't sure if the person was Stella. The door opened, and he stopped. A smile appeared on his lips. He found the right place. He found Stella.

xxx

Stella steadied herself against the door frame. She saw the parked car next to her pick up truck that was actually Jill's. Who could have gotten lost here, she wondered, her breathing steaming in the coldness. For a second her stomach flipped and sensation was indescribable as she thought the possibility…

_It couldn't be… _

She saw a figure across the yard, almost hidden in the darkness.

_Was it him?_

The voice startled her. "Stella?"

She peered harder, trying to focus.

_Mac?_

The figure stepped forward into the light.

"Jace."

The disappointment was unbearable. For a minute all she could do was stand there, staring at him. She tried to say more than his name, but her voice seemed to have disappeared into the back of her throat. As if all her senses had shut down with the shock of seeing him instead of Mac. God, she felt stupid for waiting for a miracle to happen.

xxx

Jace stared at Stella. It had taken hours to get there. The flight over the country, the drive to this god forbidden place and sleep-over in the tacky motel made him feel agitated, but every bad thought vanished when she appeared in his vision. He approached the cottage. He had his speech planned and he had even rehearsed it in front of a mirror but seeing her had thrown him speechless. To be honest, he was as chocked as she was. She looked so different. The rounded curve of her belly was visible, grown. It struck him straight into his head that she _really_ was pregnant. He stared at her in the freezing air. She didn't say anything. And suddenly a thought struck him. Did she think it was Mac coming here instead of him?

xxx

The snowflakes danced slowly toward the white blanket over the frosty ground. Only God knew how long Mac sat in the car motionless unable to do anything. He felt frozen, but not only because of her. Yes, the seat next to him was empty, and it wasn't only her absent that made him feel so, so awfully fatigued.

Last year's Christmas had been full of love and joy, but this year's Christmas spirit was far away. Who would have known how lives changed in a year? The rhetoric question silenced him. Glancing at his parents' house, he took a deep breath. His heart felt heavy because of her mother… and father who passed away a month ago. It hadn't been a surprise after all, he tried to reason. Trying to be strong because of his mother and sister, tears had escaped seeing his father breathless and motionless, in peace, in the casket. The sickness had taken over his body. He had lost the battle and died in a morning in November. They all had been there, witnessing him taking the last breath. Morphin had carried him away, and slowly his breathing had become thinner, until there hadn't been the next inhale. All the time, the last minutes of his life, he hadn't been alone as his wife had held his hand.

The faintest light inside the house was seen through the watery of his eyes. Opening the door, he climbed out of the car and faced the bitter December weather. Tightly wrapping his coat around him, he gathered the presents on the back seat. The children of his sister were still so small, and they were who kept the life going on.

xxx

"What— what are you doing here?" Stella managed to whisper.

"Surprise", his smile was tight as he walked towards her. He stopped a couple of feet away. "I— I didn't bear the thought of you being alone at Christmas Eve. So, I decided to surprise you and as I haven't heard from you lately… I got worried, Stell. A woman in your condition shouldn't be alone." he pointed to her stomach beneath the blanket. "Wow, the baby's grown so much, Stella."

Stella couldn't help but smile. Her hand travel to smooth her pregnant belly. "I can feel her moving."

"Her?" Jace's eyes sparkled. "You're having a girl?"

Stella nodded, triumphing as well. "I got to know last week."

Smiling widely, Jace handed a pink gift box that he had held behind his back to Stella. "Then I got the perfect present for you. Merry Christmas."

"Jace.. You shouldn't have…" she muttered peeking inside the box.

"I know. But I wanted to."

"Thank you."

Her smile was the best gift to him. Then, she remembered that they stood in the freezing air.

"Come on, let's get inside."

xxx

Jace welcomed the warmth sensation that spread from the fire place. He headed toward it as his hands felt almost numb. God, it was horribly cold. The short looks around the cottage gave a warm and cozy feeling of being home. He didn't know where the sensation came from, but he already liked it. The wooden panels, the fire place, the light scent of tea, candles, the dimness, snowy braches hovering over the roof of the cottage, the snow, the time of the year. This was everything he wished his life should be. Affection, warmth, peacefulness, tranquil feeling embraced him.

Meanwhile, Stella had an opportunity to look what the box held inside. That was very nice from Jace, she thought. She couldn't help but think how badly she was disappointed to see him. She knew she was being silly as she hoped to see Mac appearing from the shadows. God, how badly she missed him, but since she left she hadn't heard anything from him. She glanced at Jace who stood close to the fire place warming his hands. Maybe he had news from him. That was a weak _maybe_ as every time she had asked Jace something about Mac he had avoided looking into her eyes, being awkward always replying that he had moved on his life and he hadn't even read her letter. That hurt her the most. That Mac hadn't even being interested in her reasons to leave. He had moved on his life. Maybe with the blonde he kissed. That vision was permanently imprinted in her vision. Maybe that was good for him – to move on with the woman he wanted to live with. Maybe leaving him was good for her, too, but it sure didn't felt nice spending days and nights living alone thinking only him and the future without him.

"Do you like it?"

Her thoughts were interrupted by Jace. She lifted her gaze up from the small, pink pajamas that had a teddy bear printed in front of the cloth to meet Jace's gaze.

"It's really lovely," she managed to form. She tried to draw her thoughts to the moment. She cleared her throat. "Yes, I love it. Thank you. It's really nice."

Jace stepped across the living room to the kitchen area, his thoughts troubled. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry… I just couldn't help but…" tears formed into her eyes, "think about…"

"Mac?" Jace guessed.

With another nod she replied. Holding the small cloth in her hands, she pressed her head against Jace's shoulder, tears wetting his shirt. His body felt different, taller, bigger, and heavier than Mac's but he was there like a solid rock that held her together at the moment. It was enough for her. Naturally, he wrapped her arms around her, holding her there, letting her shed tears. "When time goes on, everything will change for better. Believe me, Stella."

"When?"

"When the time is right." Jace pushed her gently away so he was able to see her eyes. With his thumbs he wiped away tears from her cheeks. "It hurts, I know."

Stella asked: "Have you heard anything about him?"

Another moment to speak the truth, Jace pondered. Would he tell that he never gave her letter to Mac? Would he tell that he was a mess after she was gone searching her everywhere? Would he tell that he never saw Claire, the woman he kissed, again? Would he tell that his father passed away a month before the Christmas and at this moment he was probably spending the worst Christmas ever with his mourning family? Would he tell all that? Would he ruin his own opportunities with her?

Hell no.

Jace shrugged his broad shoulders. "I'm not sure if I should tell this…"

"Have he asked about me?" Stella got her hopes up. He could tell by the look on her face.

"Stella…" he lowered his voice as if this was so hard for him, too. "He's in Chicago…"

"Oh, that's really nice."

"with _her_." Jace added.

The information sank into her heart. Her face paled a bit and she sank into a chair beside the kitchen table. Jace sat on another chair next to hers. Closing her eyes, she rested against the back of the chair and breathed in long lungfuls. Her heart throbbed. So this what it felt like. Being alone, hurt, hoping to go back in time when everything was as it used to be but never could be.

"…be part of your life… having a child alone…"

Jace spoke something, but his voice was drowned out by the voices from the memories she drowned in.

xxx

_"The windy city, I know," Stella continued and said thoughtfully. "I've never visited the city."_

_"I'll take you there someday."_

_"Really?" she asked. "To see what?"_

_"Well, my parents live there," Mac replied watching her reaction. "I'd like you to meet them."_

_Stella swallowed nervously. She hadn't seen any parents of her dates. No man would take a girlfriend to home if he wasn't serious about her, she realized._

_"That— that would be nice," she said honestly, meeting his gaze. "Someday."_

_Her breath caressed the side of his face. "I'm happy with you, Mac. I'm falling in love with you."_

_He turned his head, and it was just inches away from hers. He was relieved what she said about them. He felt the same way. He looked at her green eyes and whispered. "This is real, Stell." And his lips skimmed over hers. "We are real."_

_"Good." She smiled and continued her walking watching the man beside her. "Because I don't want to wake up from this amazing dream and face another nightmare."_

_"Oh, it's beautiful!" Stella admired the silver, rectangular pendant that read, simply, s'agapo._

_He helped the necklace to rest around her neck and kissed the crook of her neck. "S'agapo."_

_From where he had learnt the meaning of the Greek word, she didn't know. But she knew that she felt the same way._

_"S'agapo." Stella whispered and pushed the man into a lying position and fell along beside him. "I will always keep this, Mac. Close to my heart. I love you, too."_

_His lips skimmed against hers. The sensation was nothing she had ever experienced before. It was so pure, so tender, and she wanted it to last eons. The way he caressed her with his hands, his mouth, she took a memory of it, printed the touch of his lips in her mind, and heart. The kiss was a hopeful promise of the future, the reflection of their possible path together. It represented everything between them. The kiss exhaled them. Somehow, unconsciously, she knew there would be time to recall it. She just didn't know when. The worry what might happen between them, danced around them. It didn't show its face, but it was there, looming, in the shadows, and waiting for the moment of solace._

xxx

The fire cracked in the fire place like fireworks exploding. It startled Stella back. She and Jace stared at each other. Neither of them speaking.

"What?" She managed to whisper.

Jace cleared his throat. "What I'm trying to say…" he stammered nervously. He reached out and touched her hand. "I want you to give me a chance."

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading! Feedback is always welcome.  
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	18. The shades of Winter P2

**A/N: Thank you for those how read and reviewed the latest chapter. A bad language warning. Mistakes are all mine. Credits to Lily for reading this part.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

******15. The Shades of Winter**

**Part II They Say I'm Buried Far Just A Like Distance Star**

******Timetable: The same as in the first part**

The joyful laughter and screams of Melanie's and Thomas' children filled the otherwise tired atmosphere. Mac's mother, Millie, sat quietly, touching her wedding ring, the bang of gold nestling against her skin. She wiped her moist eyes now and then, smiling through tears as Rick and Ralph came into her arms. The sofa was occupied by Melanie and Thomas. They seemed to watch their children playing, but in reality they both were concerned about Millie.

"Are you staying overnight, Mel?" Millie asked. Melanie nodded.

"Say good night to granny," Thomas ordered the kids who obeyed surprisingly well.

After lots of wet kisses on Millie's cheeks, Thomas grabbed the children, who thought their dad played with them, and headed toward the stairs. "Time to go to bed."

Millie rose up and followed the group. "Let me help you with those. I'll remember when Mel and Mac were little and they used…" Millie's voice trailed off and she vanished upstairs.

"Wanna guess what she tells about us?" Mel grinned at her brother.

Mac shook his head, smiling. He moved to sit next to his sister.

"So…" she started, not knowing how to ask about Stella whose absence they had noticed. It had been a surprise as Mac hadn't spoken about it to anyone. They had seemed to be happy. Melanie put her arm over Mac's shoulder, comforting her brother.

Mac glanced at her when she asked: "What happened with you two?"

Mac shrugged his shoulders, not really knowing what the hell had happened. Suddenly, everything had fallen apart.

"I don't know." He said the truth. "I have no fucking idea what happened."

The hidden anger and stress kept bursting through the surface that had been solid.

"She just left," he continued "No messages. Nothing. As if she'd never lived with me. As if we never were together."

"I'm sorry," Mel comforted seeing how badly Stella's absence bothered him. "I know it's not my business, but did you guys argue or something? I know how a small argument can turn into a huge fight…" she glanced upstairs leaving their problems unsaid. "But I don't think any subject is so bad that it can't be solved."

"It doesn't matter anymore," Mac said quietly.

"What doesn't?"

"That she left," he lied. "She's not coming back, and I'm not waiting for her anymore." Another lie.

Melanie was quiet for a moment, thinking. When he decided something, he would stick to it, but this was something… something that shouldn't be a hasty decision.

"You can't just forget somebody. I know you'll try, but give yourself time," Mel said softly and added, her voice trembling: "I can't imagine how badly mom misses dad."

"I can't either." Mac swallowed. This was the first Christmas without dad. "This feels so wrong – to be together when he isn't here. I don't even know if I should talk about him or not. I don't know how mom will survive…"

"Dad wouldn't have wanted us to think so," Mel cried, wiping away tears as the memories of their father were too painful. "You're wrong about one thing."

Mac looked at his sister. "And that would be what?"

"Dad _is_ here," she sobbed. "In our hearts..." she touched Mac's chest. "…and minds." she pointed his head. "He is here."

Nodding, Mac buried his face into his palms, and let the tears fall.

xxx

"Yes."

Her shallow whisper was barely audible but he heard her. He couldn't believe his luck. The feeling left him unable to form any words, and that was good because seeing the look on her face told him that there was more to come than just yes.

"Yes, Jace. I'll give you a chance, but not in the way you want." Stella looked into another pair of green eyes. "My life is a mess right now, and I'm not in the right shape to begin any relationship. That's very kind of you to think about it, but I mean I'm not ready for anything… "Stella tried to find the right word. "…intimate."

Jace listened to her words.

"I like you as a friend." Stella continued, squeezing his hand. "I really do appreciate your effort to help me."

Trying to save his ego he laughed: "Stella, that's what I meant. That I would like to be your friend, support you at this difficult time…"

Stella blushed, covering her face into her palms. "I'm sorry. I understood you completely wrong."

Acting like it was his plan A he added some fuel into the fire. "It's my charm. Women can't resist it…" He let out the words and they stole a rare laugh from Stella.

"You keep dreaming."

"Bet I will…" he teased her. If she only knew how the truth beyond the surface, he thought.

xxx

The weather stayed cold and brisk, but at nights it snowed more. They never spoke about how long Jace would stay, and after the Christmas holidays, both he and Stella drove to Portland to buy Jace quilted clothes and do grocery shopping as well. She couldn't believe how on earth he tried to cope in the coldness without having any warm clothes along with him. As much as she would have liked to gather a pile of clothes she controlled her shopping needs.

Stella remembered her promise to Jill to pay the money back. She hadn't asked for any money but Jill hadn't accepted no for an answer when she handed an envelope full of cash to Stella before her flight to Portland a few months ago. She had tried to talk about her savings to Jill, but the older woman had told her to save the money for the baby. As if guessing how tough it would be, Jill had helped her in a way she would always be grateful for. Taking the money had been a good decision, Stella thought. She had put the money safe for a rainy day. With that kind of savings, she felt safer. When she had no other choice, she would use Jill's money. But at the moment she was able to use _own_ money for living as she had a short employment in a library in Portland.

xxx

Stella's employment had ended a few weeks ago before Christmas. Those weeks had given her extra savings for the future. She had applied for a job at the Portland police department, but as the police chief had seen her condition, he welcomed her back after she had given birth. They sure needed new blood in the field, but her condition was a risk, and she knew it as well. They didn't have any desk assignments for her either. The chief gave her a number in Seattle. It was the chief of Seattle's police department. They were short, too, of police officers, the chief. The chiefs were brothers in laws, and the circles were small. Pondering whether to call Seattle or not, Stella had walked past a small library and gotten lost in her thoughts.

It had reminded Stella of the police academy's library where she met Mac and for that reason she stepped inside. At that moment she wanted to be surrounded by the memories and that place offered them. Of course it wasn't the same building, but it was old and breathed out the scent of old books. She loved the place from the first moment she stepped into the wide, dim hall way where the access to the reception, reading area and the book sections was.

The walls were tiled and old. It was easy to see that the place had gone to pot, but that only added to the attraction. She searched for the section of Greek Mythology. For some reasons she wanted to get deeper in her past and refresh her memories about the subject. She found a book of the Greek's ancient gods and decided to borrow it. Heading toward the reception with the book in her hand, she couldn't help but stop in her place as she heard the director speaking in the phone of how they needed an employer who could speak Greek as they were having a famous Greek novelist as a guest. Waiting for the man ending the call, Stella knocked on the door and spoke Greek, maybe not so fluently, but it made an impression on the man. She was hired for the job immediately. After the visit of the novelist, she was asked to take another job in the library and with pleasure she accepted the offer. It was a quiet, almost forgotten place where the few visitors were paper and magazines readers but from time to time there were young families lending children books.

Speaking of children, Stella was drawn back from her memories as she looked at the baby clothes. She pursed her lips, pondering. The clothes were overpriced. She had almost everything for the baby but maybe a bodysuit wouldn't harm her budget…

xxx

Meanwhile, Jace tried on the quilted clothes. He didn't pay attention to the price. Working as a construction worker wasn't the right way to get rich, but what kept his money situation in good balance was his favors to his 'friends'. They paid well for delivering a package or two. He didn't mind stepping into the wrong side of law. Hell, he needed money for living and staying alive. He couldn't ask for money from his parents as his old man was dead and dear mom in a senior home and there wasn't anyone else. He had his pride and was a survivor. He knew well enough that if he ever got caught, he wouldn't live long enough to see the walls of the prison. So, he got skills and learned how to stay hidden when it was the right time and did his part well. He didn't ask what the packages held inside and his friends didn't tell either. Business was going well and that suited them both.

Jace glanced at Stella who approached him. If she knew what he had done to get here… But he would never tell her, he thought. He was sure she wouldn't accept his criminal career.

Jace felt her inquiring look as she noticed the price of the clothes.

"Savings…" he muttered.

Stella nodded.

They headed to the supermarket and bought enough food so that they wouldn't need to take a trip to the town soon. During the months Stella had learned to prepare meals for days. A way to save a few bucks.

She was surprised about how much she enjoyed his presence. It felt good to have somebody to talk with. She hadn't noticed how badly she missed a person to talk to, to make food with or just to watch TV when it worked.

xxx

In the mornings Jace got up before Stella. He had taken a room upstairs as she slept in a room next to the living room. When she awoke, the scent of poured coffee lingered in the room where she slept. In a few days they had fallen into a rhythm that suited them both. Stella enjoyed two days of sleeping and relaxing, but after those lazy days, she began to feel anxious and restless. She was used to doing all the work alone, taking breaks more often as her pregnancy forced her to do so, but she managed to cope in her own way. The thought of not doing anything was about to make her crazy. After enjoying a breakfast and a cup of coffee, Stella dressed in the quilted clothes and headed outside. The sound of chopping carried from the shed.

Jace had chopped all the wood which Stella was content about for she usually got small contractions after heavy work. Sometimes cleaning the house was too much and made her feel agitated.

"Hey", she greeted him. Jace turned around and faced her. She stood at the door way a snow shovel in her right hand.

"What are you doing?" His breathing heavy and deep, Jace asked.

"I just thought that I could do something as well. I'm tired of—"

"I'm finishing here, put the shovel there", he cut her off and pointed the wall. "I'll take it from here."

"But I can't let you do all the work—"

"Stella", he said little roughly this time. "I'll do it, okay?"

"What I'm supposed to do here then?" Stella snapped, tossing the shovel against the wall. "I'm so bored!"

"Be pregnant. Rest. Sleep." Jace smirked. "Isn't your due date soon?"

"Ten weeks to go", Stella muttered angrily and began to form a pile of wood in her arms. "At least I can take a few these inside."

Jace hummed at her words as he finished chopping. He took the shovel. Watching her collecting the wood he began to clear the snow. He reached hall way of the yard when she was nowhere to be seen.

"Stella?" he inquired looking the shed. There was so reply. It was dead quiet, and it didn't feel good. Frowning, he tossed the shovel in the snow and made his way back to the shed.

What he wasn't prepared to see was her leaning against the wall, her face pale and twisted in pain, panting and her hands holding her stomach. The pieces of wood were spread on the frosty ground.

"What's wrong?" He rushed over to her, not knowing what to do.

"Oh God", she yelped in pain, her breathing heavy and deep. She looked at him a horror in her green eyes visible. "She can't be born yet. She just can't…"

Hearing those words, Jace got pale, too. Jesus Christ, she wasn't going into labor right now or was she?

Moaning in pain, Stella began to fall against the wall. Breathing in deeply, Jace calmed down. He needed to make her feel safe and forced the panic aside.

"Let's get you to hospital. I'll get the key, just wait", he rushed through the yard inside the cottage and grabbed the car keys. He was back in no time and scooped her into his arms. She was feather light and she didn't protest as he carried her to the car. Not caring about the speed limits on the road he headed toward Portland and prayed to find any hospital sign that could promise her the care.

xxx

A young, male doctor pulled the curtain and approached the hospital bed in which Stella lay. She had her lower abdomen bared and two sensors were strapped to it. The heart sensor continuously emitted ultrasound and detected motion of the baby's heart. A soft, rapid thump-thump could be heard. Jace sat on a stool beside the bed. He stared at a poster on the wall depicting the stages of fetal development. He scanned the length of the poster until he found thirty weeks. Stella's weeks.

"Stella Bonasera?" the doctor asked.

"I am", she conformed.

"Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Doctor Potter." He introduced himself, glancing at Jace.

"This is my friend, Jace," Stella explained and the two men shook hands.

"So, how are you, Stella?"

"I don't know what happened", Stella recalled. She didn't have any pain at the moment. She didn't know if she had overacted sensing something in her body. "I haven't had any problems before but today I got a really awful pain in my lower abdomen."

"Are you still having the pain?"

Stella shook her head.

"Well, the blood tests we took were normal", Doctor Potter explained and looked at the print paper. "And everything is okay with baby as well. The heart beats, her movements, no uterine contractions, no bleeding… There is nothing abnormal that could explain the pain."

"So everything is okay with my baby?" Stella breathed, concentrating to listen to the baby's heart beats.

"You're fine. Just remember to take it easy." The doctor reassured. "We can monitor you a little while but if everything is okay in an hour or so, you can go home and rest. Maybe it's not a good idea to lift any heavy items, not even chopped wood."

Stella grinned at Jace. "You had to tell them?"

"Hey, you were barely conscious. Of course I told them."

"Try to avoid other _activities_, too." After those words, the doctor quickly glanced at Jace, but Stella noticed that.

What _activities_? Stella wondered before it struck her. She wanted to crawl beneath the ground as the embarrassment began to flush her cheeks. Not having thought about sex in months, the doctor's mention of the subject made her mind travel towards thoughts that she hadn't allowed herself to for a long time. She still should be mourning the break up. She wasn't over Mac in any ways. Yet, her body reacted like a sky rocket when someone mentioned sex when it was prohibited. She couldn't help but recall the proximity with Jace and the fact that he would have probably kissed her in the bedroom if Mac hadn't appeared. How could that image be so luring? Not that she have wanted that happen, but lying on the bed, she couldn't ignore his presence and the vision of them. Flushed, she shook her head. What the hell she was thinking? She should be worried about the wellness of her child and not thinking about sex. She cursed the word in her mind, trying to ignore the warm tingle spreading over her body. Hormones, she blamed, those awful, awful hormones.

xxx

Jace noticed her discomfort when the doctor left. Her calmness was breaking as she moved a little restlessly, maybe trying to find a comfort position.

"Are you okay?" he asked watching Stella.

She nodded, avoiding his gaze. "Uhhmm.."

Somehow relaxing and getting her thoughts back together, Stella closed her eyes. Not sure if he believed her or not they fell into silence and the sound of the thump-thump filled the room. They listened to the baby's soft heart beats.

"It's pretty amazing", Jace stated.

"Yes, it is." Stella agreed, in love with the sound. Then she sighed. "I'm sorry this ruined your day."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else", Jace touched Stella's hand. He felt her shake with emotions, but in that situation it felt the gesture she could accept, Jace pondered.

Stella glanced at Jace who had trepidation in his eyes. Giving a reassuring smile, she let her hand rest beneath his. Nothing could sway him away from her.

**tbc**

* * *

**Thank you for reading. Feedback makes me write better:P  
**


	19. The Shades of Winter P3

**A/N: Hi! Thank you so much for the feedback! Credits to Lily for the help and suggestions. Mistakes are all mine. **

**A bad language and a pregnancy warning!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

**********15. The Shades of Winter**

**Part III Sweet Nothing in My Ears**

**Timetable: From the last day of December 1993 till the end of January 1994**

The New Year's Eve arrived, and so did Jill with her Husky, Trick. Unaware of another visitor, she was surprised to see two cars in front of the shed. She parked the car behind the pick-up and released Trick, who was amazed by the white blanket over the ground.

"What's the matter, boy?" Jill asked as the dog smelled the ground and barked. "It's snow." Another bark. Yes, it is.

On her way toward the cottage, she noticed that the yard had been cleared of snow. She reached the door just in time for it to be opened by a laughing Stella.

"My dear!" Jill pulled her into a hug and placed a kiss on her flushed cheek. "Look at you. So absolutely beautiful!"

She was right. Stella bloomed with beauty and wellness. The trip to the hospital had taught her to take it easy and she had spent her time resting.

"I'm so glad to see you, Jill. I missed you."

Trick barked wanting attention as well.

Stella bent down carefully. "Hi Trick! Wow, how big you've grown. A man already." She tapped his soft coat and scratched beneath his snout. He rolled over on his back, clearly enjoying the attention he got.

"Good boy," Stella spoke to Trick. "So handsome."

"So, how have you been?" Jill asked when Stella rose up and Trick sprang from the porch to the yard and back to the porch.

Stella crossed her arms, glancing inside the cottage, unsure how to tell about Jace. "Actually, I've got a guest who has helped me."

"Really?" Jill wanted to know more.

Stella guided Jill inside.

"He's my friend, Jace." Stella said before they reached the living room. Jill placed her bags on the floor. Trick sat beside them.

"Jace? Why's that name so familiar?"

When Stella blushed, Jill remembered her story about him. She didn't have time to say anything to her, when Jace came downstairs.

"I thought I heard the sound of a car." He smiled at the women. "Hi, I'm Jace. Nice to meet you. This is a great place."

"Nice to meet you, Jace." Jill shook hands with him recovering well from the news Stella had revealed. "I'm Jill Cameron, Stella's friend. And thank you. This place is important to me. I bought it with my late husband. I'm glad to see it has been taken care of. I assume you were the one who cleared the yard?"

Jace nodded pleased that the older woman seemed nice. He hadn't liked the idea of having any other people here, but the woman owned the place and it would do good to show how great he was. Trick jogged up beside Jill and barked few times.

"Shh!" Jill ordered. "You're not the boss."

Jace liked dogs. When he was a child he had always wanted to have one, but never had. He had enjoyed playing with their neighbor's dogs until his dad had denied him that fun, too. He kneeled down on the floor and called the dog by its name. Trick carefully approached the man, sniffing the air.

"So you're Trick." Jace spoke. "He's a Husky?"

Jill nodded.

"Then you must enjoy running outside", he talked to the dog tapping his coat. "Wanna catch a ball?"

"So you're heading outside?" Stella was amused.

"If that's okay?" Jace asked Jill.

"Of course. It's good that the dog gets exercise."

While Jace put on outdoor clothes and exited the door with Trick, Stella and Jill had an opportunity to catch up. Snaking arms around shoulders, the women headed toward the kitchen.

xxx

They sat around the kitchen table, Stella enjoying a cup of tea and Jill fresh-poured coffee. Gingerbreads vanished into their mouths. Stella licked her lips, not wanting to think about the extra pounds around her waist.

"I could eat a box of those."

Jill chuckled at her statement. While taking the last sip of her coffee, she placed the mug on the table, leaning against the back of the chair.

"So…" she began not really knowing what to ask or how.

Stella tried to avoid looking at her for there were so many question that she didn't want to answer.

"So…" she stated, too.

"Care to tell me more about _your_ friend?" Jill inquired.

The last time Stella spoke about Jace had nothing to do with friendship. Hadn't he tried to kiss her? Or had that been just Stella's misunderstanding of his concern after her getting shot at and her imagination had carried away a little too far? Besides, Jill was in the conclusion that Jace was Mac's friend, but now, Stella told her that the man was _her_ friend. There were some pieces of a puzzle that didn't fit in their places.

"I don't know where to begin." Stella shrugged her shoulders. "He showed up on Christmas Eve here and has stayed since then."

"He just popped up here?"

"Not just popped up here, Jill." Stella rolled her eyes. "He said he was concerned and didn't want me to spend time alone."

"That's charming, but isn't he Mac's friend? I understood that you didn't like him so much." Jill was confused. "Has he told you anything about Mac?"

Stella took a deep breath. "Mac's in Chicago."

"Okay", Jill stated, smiling. "Do his parents live there?"

Stella nodded and added that Mac's father passed away.

"Have you spoken with him?"

Stella shook her head. "No. Jace told me when I asked about Mac. He is in Chicago, but not alone."

"Of course he isn't alone", Jill spoke. "He needs to be with his family, right?"

"I guess so." Stella said quietly looking at her hands. Jill guessed there was more to come and stayed silent. Stella continued when she was sure her voice wouldn't crack. "He went there with _her_."

"With who?" Jill asked and as Stella didn't say anything, she guessed: "With the girl he kissed in the party?"

With a tired breath, Stella nodded. "Yeah."

Jill reached to touch Stella's hand and gave a comforting squeeze. "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

"Me neither," Stella laughed sadly.

For a moment they sat in total silence.

"Yes. I guess that's it. He's not interested in knowing about me. He hasn't even read my letter."

"How do you know that?" Jill asked.

"Jace told me. He hasn't been in touch with Mac lately, but clearly enough to say that Mac's moved on. Jace was furious when we witnessed Mac kissing the blonde. You should have seen how badly he was disappointed in his friend's actions."

Hoping to not cross any boundaries, Jill asked carefully: "Have you talked about what almost happened between you two?"

"No", Stella replied hastily. "I think I imagined it all. I was too vulnerable in that kind of state to think straight. We're just friends, that's all."

"Good." Jill tapped on her hand. "I'm happy that you have a friend to help you."

xxx

Jill's visit lasted two weeks. It was a long time for Jace, who wanted more than ever to spend time with Stella. He offered to do all the grocery shopping as he needed to get out of the cottage. If it had snowed, he cleared the yard, chopped the wood and played with the dog. In the evenings he became restless but hid that well for he didn't want to show his discomfort to the women. Stella and Jill seemed close. If he hadn't known he would have sworn that they were like a mother and a daughter. He got to know that Jill would be Stella's child godmother.

xxx

Jill's leaving left a longing, but Stella was sure they would meet soon after the baby was born. Jace, on the other hand, was content as they were left alone. The cottage felt home without any third part.

"How's your mother?" Stella asked after they had gotten themselves comfortable on the sofas. Stella rested on the smaller one. Jace sat on the sofa that was close to the fire place. He felt cold. He wasn't sure if he was becoming sick.

Stella enjoyed another steaming cup of tea and had offered one to him. He declined saying that he wasn't a tea person. That caused her to smile, amused. After looking what the fridge held inside he decided to pour coffee. He could have easily made himself an Irish Coffee, but after being sober for over two months he just didn't want to be slashed. Tricky thing, the alcohol, he thought as he sipped his black coffee and enjoyed the taste. Those days of not drinking he had thought about his mother a lot. His father had been a drunk, violent piece of shit and he was heading toward the same direction, and as he had the opportunity for something good in his life, he needed to take control of his life and not ruin it.

It had been months since he had visited his mother. Her ability to walk had sunk and she basically lived in a hospital bed. The nurse said that was expected, but otherwise her life was steady. But witnessing her mother resting on the bed, her eyes closed, breathing shallow puffs, he knew her life was anything but steady. She looked so vulnerable and pale against white hospital sheets. On the night table next to her hospital bed was a picture of him as a kid. And for some reason he couldn't forget how her paper-thin skin had felt when he touched her hand.

Staring into the fire, he cleared his throat: "She's old and tired."

Stella hadn't forgotten her and asked about her from time to time. It was hard for Jace as he couldn't accept the sickness of his mother. Her life had been rough and poor. She didn't need to get sick with Alzheimer's and end in a senior home where the walls were white and the silence told more than it should have.

"But is she okay?"

Jace shrugged his shoulders, keeping his gaze on the flames. He couldn't show how painful the subject was to him. "Yes, she's okay, I guess."

xxx

Both fallen asleep on their sofas, Stella woke up and witnessed that there were only embers left in the fireplace. She touched up the embers with a poker. Soon, she could close the funnel so the heat wouldn't escape. In the corner of her eye she saw Jace asleep rather restlessly. His face was twisted as if he was in pain. Sweat pearled on his forehead. She moved closer to him, carefully changing her position that she wouldn't wake him up. He looked tired, like life had taken a toll on him. At times he seemed to be still the little boy who had been neglected by his parents. She couldn't even imagine the little boy surviving, living without love and care. Bet his mother tried, she was sure, but coping herself in the nightmare meant she couldn't save her son. Sitting on the sofa, Stella felt the baby kicking against her rib. Her hand flew to sooth the spot. She let her hand travel along the grown belly. She couldn't tell why the tears formed.

"I'll take care of you," she whispered and wiped away tears. "I'll always take care of you."

Controlling her emotions, she studied the faint scar above Jace's left eyebrow. She recalled the scar on Mac's chest and wondered how badly Jace had been injured. It had been a close call, for their two army pals had died saving him.

How deep were the scars, she couldn't help but think.

Jace grunted asleep. She touched the side of his chin, tough and bristly due to the stubble. His forehead felt damp and hot. She left her palm rest on it, her thumb travelling softly along the scar. He stirred from his sleep, trying to turn on his side, but as Stella sat at the edge of the sofa, he wasn't able.

"Hey," she said softly, drawing her hand away.

Jace opened his eyes and found himself staring at Stella's eyes. They were full of concern. He hadn't met that kind of look for a long time.

"Hey," he rasped with a sore throat. How the hell the pain had appeared so quickly? "Christ... my throat…"

She tucked the blanket over him. "I'm pretty sure you're sick."

Jace's eyes watered. He got chills. "I must have fever."

"You don't say," she muttered. "I'll get you something."

She headed to the kitchen and made a hot drink.

He took a few sips of it.

"I'll let you sleep." Stella was about to rise up when she felt Jace touching her hand.

"Stay," he rasped.

Stella watched the empty place.

"I'm not sure…" Stella hesitated.

"Please." He rarely begged. He pulled her closer a bit. "I'll sleep better when I have someone close to me."

Stella couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Smooth."

A tired, playful smile on his lips he apologized. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I didn't mean that…"

"I know what you meant," Stella adjusted on the sofa on half sitting position. "I can't rest on my back, it hurts my back."

After endless times of adjusting the pillows behind her back she finally felt comfortable.

"I'm the one who's sick," Jace coughed.

"And I'm the one who's having a baby dancing on my bladder."

"Okay, you win." Jace muttered beneath the blanket. Resting his head on Stella's thigh, he lay on his back, coughing now and then, but eventually falling asleep. Stella watched his figure suddenly aware of how close they were. Surprisingly, it didn't bother her a bit. She recalled their proximity, and that sensation she hadn't allowed herself to think about. The moment they shared in the bedroom when she had been shot had been something that she buried beneath the trauma that the accident caused.

What would have happened if he had kissed her then?

No, she denied. She was with Mac back then and it wouldn't have been okay, because Mac kissing the other woman wasn't okay and that was the reason she had flown here. She loved Mac. She really did, but living alone the past months had led her on her way to heal. It was time to move on, but not because of herself, because of the baby.

Was Jace serious in asking for a chance with her? Or did she hear him wrong? His support in the tough situation had been a surprise to her now that she had time to recall. Usually he had the bad habit of disappearing when troubles came up, but helping and supporting her had to mean something more than just friendship.

Or did he just try to cover the damage that his friend had caused?

She couldn't bear the thought.

Was it possible to learn to love somebody?

Some men and woman lived in relationships without any deep feelings because it was comfortable to have someone close. You didn't need to live alone. Having a baby alone hadn't been the dream number one in her life. Not that life went always as you planned it, but it was like she repeated her mother's footsteps. She had had her alone and parented alone to the day she died in the car accident. She hadn't got to know who her father was as there hadn't been any names on the papers, and neither would her baby either.

With many questions in her head, she spent the night awake.

xxx

"Have a safe flight", Mel hugged her brother. They stood outside O'Hare airport. It was Mac's time to travel back to New York City because of his job. He was relieved to have the distance. Not that he didn't want to be part of his family, but after all that had happened to him, it began to be too much to cope with.

"You take care of mom, okay."

Mel nodded and pulled away. "Call me when you get home and call mom, too."

Mac smiled. "Don't I ever?"

"Don't be a smartass."

Mac took his stuff out of the car's trunk, grinning. He enjoyed teasing his sister. Waving his hand, he entered the airport and headed to the check in desk. He didn't have to wait long for the boarding began soon. His seat placed him in the last row of the plane. He didn't mind seeing the places next to him empty. Maybe he could have an opportunity to get some rest. The captain of the plane welcomed them into the flight and soon the flight attendants took their places on the aisle and showed how to put on the oxygen mask. He watched them going on not really thinking of who he saw. It was not until the plane began to roll along the high way and the flight attendant took their places among the travelers he saw her. Her honey blonde hair fell over her right shoulder when she sat down on the seat. Her smile was warm and she laughed about something that the other flight attendant said to her. There were five rows between them. The lights went off, and it was dim inside the cabin. The moment the plane didn't reach the ground anymore she met his gaze. She looked a little puzzled for a moment as if she was trying to think where she had met her.

Was he a regular traveler?

A guy she had talked with into a bar in Chicago's night?

No. No. She looked at him. His smile was kind but he looked uncomfortable. Either he didn't like flying or he recalled something unpleasant. The memory struck her like lighting from the sky. It was the guy she had met in the party a way ago and got into kissing with him. It had been fun so long it had lasted, she recalled. She played it cool, acting like his stop didn't harm her ego, but damn she didn't like being turned down. So, it was the guy. Mac? A friend of Jeanie's jerk ex-boyfriend, Jace. All be damn, she thought smiling at him. Clearly he remembered her. When all the fuss of take-off had settled down, she would chance a word or two with him. Talking with him wouldn't get her into trouble, she reasoned. She stood up as the lights of the seat belt turned off. Until the moment she would have a chance to talk with him, she had a job to do as a flight attendant.

xxx

Weeks went by and Jace got well, but something wasn't right. Stella's behavior had gotten serious. She avoided looking into his eyes and seemed to be lost in her thoughts. He asked if she had any pain or contractions, but she said over and over again that everything was great and she didn't have any problems.

One evening, Stella carried a pile of clean bed clothes upstairs. She placed the clothes into a drawer in the hallway. She hadn't spent much time upstairs, only when she cleaned the cottage or brought bed clothes in the drawer. On her way back downstairs, she stopped outside the room where Jace slept. Knowing he was outside, she stepped inside the room unable to resist her curiosity. She was surprised to see that the bed was made. For some reason she imagined his bed open, sheets spread all over the bed. That would be very like him, not that she really knew how he lived. Now as she thought about it she had never seen his apartment, never known where he lived in New York City. She and Mac never visited him. Jace was the one who visited them or they saw at some other places. Never at his home. One of the doors of the closet was ajar and she saw his clothes neatly placed in it.

"Huh," she stated.

She traveled her fingers over the blanket on the bed. She sat at the edge of it and leaned backwards. She fell into the softness and supported herself with arms. She sighed heavily and closed her eyes. Something boiled inside her. She wasn't able to concentrate to anything. At that moment, she let her head fall backwards, her long hair falling along her back and touching the surface of the blanket, and fell into possibilities.

xxx

Jace came inside the cottage, placing the chopped wood close the fire place. He had gone for a walk. It was exhausting to even try to jog in the coldness as the air was so frozen. He touched the tiles. The fire place was still warm. Maybe he could light a fire later on, he thought. He took off his outdoor clothes and placed them in a rack in the hallway. Wondering where Stella was, he made his way into his room. He was surprised to see the woman leaning against the window frame. He stood there, watching her for a second just like he had done in the doorway of her and Mac's bedroom in New York City. He had seen it right away, before even Mac noticed, that she was shaken. He hadn't forgotten how close he had been then kissing her.

"Hey."

"Hey", she greeted.

A moment of silent fell in the room. He was puzzled for a second to see her there, but seeing a letter in her hand, he got a little pale.

"I never knew about the letter," she whispered finally still not facing Jace.

So, that was it. She had found the letter she wrote to Mac and guessed that he never gave it to Mac. It was over. His chances were gone.

"Stell…" Jace didn't know how to explain his actions and couldn't when he saw her expression. Was it regret he felt, he couldn't tell.

Stella continued with a small voice. "I didn't know he wrote her a love letter the day they got married. How sweet that would have been for Jill."

The heavy weight fell off from Jace's chest. She hadn't found _the _letter.

"I… I didn't know that either."

Jace stepped further inside the room. Figures stalled against the dark surface of the window, in the reflection shoulders touching.

"I found it in the bookshelf," she pointed to the bookshelf beside the bed "It was between a book… and…it just slipped between pages. I began to read it… and…" she stared at the letter, her lower lip trembling. "Such beautiful words. So much love…"

"And so much pain?" Jace said quietly.

Stella nodded, giving him a sad smile.

"It hurts. I can't really understand it why we are drawn to it so badly."

"I can." Jace looked into her eyes. He took the letter from her hand and placed it between pages of the book. "I can understand why we are drawn to such elemental feelings."

"I have another word for elemental feelings," Stella muttered.

"But love is more. It's so much more."

"Have you ever been in love, Jace?" she asked. "Because if you haven't… you can't tell me what love is about—"

"I know everything about loving someone I can't have," he interrupted her, letting the words hang between them. Only her heaving chest told him how deeply those words affected her. He couldn't have given her any better hint of how he felt about her.

"Jace…" she drew air and was unable to say anything else.

He didn't rush to touch her, but he did it eventually. The skin in her neck was soft when he ran his hand along her neck muscles. She turned around and faced him. He was about to say something but the words died on his lips.

"You must have known it," he muttered looking into her eyes. His fingers curled into her hair. Leaning in, glancing quickly at her anticipating expression, he pressed his lips against hers. This time no one would interrupt him.

**tbc**

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**Thank you for reading. Feedback is always welcome.**


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